Engagement... Was on now on hold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Engagement... Was on now on hold.
8
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 11:26am
Help! I have been dating the love of my life for five months now. It has been the best five months of my life. We met, fell in love and everything has been like a fairy tale. Now... my relationship has hit a huge speed bump. Background being this...my boyfiend lives 2200 miles away, on the other side of the country, we see each other every 4 to 5 weeks. His family lives in the same town as I do with my family. He came out here for a two week trip to see me, and do the whole meet the parents thing. It went better than expected. My family love him and his family loves me. Before he left, he asked me to move to boe with him. I said I would. We startede talking engagement and he even took me to look at rings...twice. I am 8 weeks from moving and yesterday, he called me and said that he is so excited for me to move, but wants to slow down a little on the engagement. My whole world has been rocked by this. I dont know want to do. He said he just started to really think and now believes that we need to slow down a little. He said that he still wants to get engaged etc... but just not so soon? Do I still move, or wait or what. I dont want to make a mistake. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:35pm
I think you're moving way too fast. You've known him for five months, seeing each other no more than once a month - that equals five face-to-face meetings, much too soon to know him well. The fairy tale you describe is the infatuation stage, a time when people don't think clearly being that their heads are lost in the clouds. That doesn't mean that your feelings won't blossom into real love, but that takes time.

Should you move to be with him? On one hand, it sounds like a good idea since you would be able to get to know him on a day-to-day basis over a period of time, and that would help you make a rational decision on whether you want to marry each other. But it's still a huge risk, and you should only do that if you aren't giving up too much - like a great job. It would also be important to have a job there before moving, or at least some interviews set up and enogh money to tide you over until you do find a job. It's also wise to get a place of your own, rather than live with him, because it's too soon for that as well. You should also consider how it would impact you to leave all your friends and family and move far away for someone who has not made a commitment to you. If things don't work out, do you have a plan B? You really must be practical about this, don't let your heart do all your thinking for you.

Is there any way he can move to where you live? After all, his family lives in your city and if things don't work out, he has a support system, where you'd have no one if you move to his city. Personally, I wouldn't be the one who makes all the major changes in my life for someone who is not sure about me, regardless of how I felt about him.

In any event, I think you should continue to see him for a few months longer before either of you move. You need to give this more time. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:40pm
Hold on! Am I reading this right? You've been dating him for five months, but only see him once every 4-5 weeks, except for this 2 week vacation? So you've seen him approximately 5-6 times the entire time you've been dating? This is just my opinion, but 5 months is not long enough to know somebody well enough to marry them, EVEN if you see them every day of that 5 months, let alone once a month or so! I think you should definitely put the engagement on hold, and personally, I wouldn't even move out there yet. I'd be too scared to uproot my entire life, leave all my relationships behind, and risk losing everything I have for some guy I've known for only 5 months. But if you're comfortable moving out there, then do it. I would still, though, wait a little while to get engaged. See how things turn out once you get there. People have a mysterious way of changing once you live with them. Just give it some more time. If he's truly the love of your life, he still will be in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:00pm
Thank you to ladies! It is amazing the clarity one can get when others tell their opinions. Just a little more info on the situatuation, he would move to be with me but he is in the military and is stuck where he is for the next 2.5 yrs. And i have been out there numerous times for a few weeks at a time. I understand totally about not being engaged, but the issue now is the moving. I am in a job that is not that great and in my fiend of work I can do it pratically anywhere. I am a little nervous to leave my friends and family, but have strong enough ties with all of them that I am not worried about disconnecting with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:20pm
Well, if you're not concerned about leaving your family and friends, and your job here isn't that great, then I guess go for it! But I WOULD get my own place. It's important that you don't go out there completely dependent upon him. I would wait to go there until I have a job, a place to live, and some money saved. Anything could happen once you get there. He could dump you (NOT saying this will happen, just a possibility), or you could even get sick of HIM, in which case what would you do if you were living with him and solely dependent on him for income and shelter? That would be AWFUL. Just make sure you take care of YOURSELF first--you should always have a back-up plan! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 4:55pm
This is someone you seem to have known in person for less than a month. That is why it is a fairytale - because you two don't really know each other yet. He is right to put this on hold and if I were you I would not move out there unless you have a job and your own place (or a roommate that is not him). Wait until you have been dating in person for six months at least before getting engaged.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:12pm
I am all for the long distance. My husband is from England. We met in Aug and were engaged in Feb and married the following March. When you know its right you know. But on the other hand I wasn't going to make any big changes or moves until we both said I Do!! We talked about where the best place to live was and because of my family and friends we chose to live in the USA. I would have moved to England for him if that is what we decided. Being engaged is one thing but married is a commitment. I would think about what you would do if for some reason, and I hope not, that it doesn't work with the 2 of you. In my opinion I would wait it out a while longer, make more visits and then decided a few months from now. Don't rush it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:27pm
(since this was posted to me) - sure when you know it is right you know but that doesn't mean you shouldn't spend consistent in person time together to confirm that what you feel you know is grounded in reality and holds up over consistent time together. Even arranged marriages can work so just because a rushed marriage works doesn't prove that "just knowing" right away - is enough for a lasting marriage.

I also do not agree that engagement is not a very serious commitment - to me engagement means that you have a date for a wedding - it is a promise to marry - it is certainly not the same as being married but using the term as a replacement for exclusive dating - or in a similarly casual way - doesn't work for me.

I am glad things worked out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 5:30pm
I like this one, it's kind of like my situation. Long distance relationships are wonderful and hard all at the same time...you get something from it that couple who are close could only really wish they could go back to...you get to miss each other like crazy, anticipating each others arrival...that feeling is so intense especially in the beginning. What's the rush?

Enjoy what you have for a while...get to know each other as much as you can, and i don't agree with some people who say LD relationships are for those who are afraid to commit, sometimes it just happens - but you will need to work hard and be creative in order to continue growing. it will get frustrating, i guarantee this...but if you have what you do, and in a year from now it's still there, then you know you have what it takes to make a go of it. 5 months is very early, because you really are still on that Love High, and more time will just make sure you are both sure. i say take it easy, continue doing what you are doing, make time for yourself, do things for yourself, and all in due time it will work out. i think you should stay where you are for a little longer, if it's going to last, what is the problem with waiting for a few or several more months?

hope it all works out for you :)