Erotic stories to another man

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Erotic stories to another man
12
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 5:38pm
Earlier this year I wrote very erotic stories to another man. My husband found out and says this is a form of cheating even though me and the other man have never had

intercourse. I am still writing the stories and giving them to the other guy.

I'm not saying this is right what I have done but it seems different than the conventional cheating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 6:26pm
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you've cheated.

But many people are adding more gray to that definition by identifying nonphysical ways of being unfaithful — such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

An "emotional affair" can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want. An "emotional affair" tends to involve sexual attraction — even if not acted on — and secrecy on the part of a married participant.

If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life (in your case, writing erotic stories to another man)... and reserving them for your "friend," you are cheating your spouse of intimacy.

Fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Your husband may feel you have crossed those boundries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 6:36pm
I agree with falucchi and would add - if the roles were reversed how would you feel?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 6:56pm
If the roles were reversed and I found my man cheating in any way, shape or form, I'd have to do what I promised him I would do in that situation: Cut it off and then kill him! ;-)

Truthfully, I'd be hurt, crushed, sick, upset, in turmoil, I'd want to kill him, I'd be furious, I'd probably vomit, cry, break plates.....

That said, I have a wonderful man whos values, character, morals and honor I fully appreciate, so I am 100% sure that this would never happen. He's a great man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 7:00pm
Here, here! My question was for Daisey. I was agreeing with you all the way!


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:20am
I agree with both of you on this matter but until something like this happens to you - you just don't know. Everybody who I have talked to in my family agrees with my husband as if my opinion doesn't even matter. It's my life and I'm the one that has to live with what I say or do - no one else. The man I'm writing them too is also married but he hasn't told me not to give them to him either. I'm not saying what I'm doing is in anyway right but it is something that just happened. He caught me by surprise one night and I never in a million years expected to feel something so strong. I'm happy for both of you that you have such strong marriages but not everyone does. My husband and I should never have gotten married to tell you the truth! We are now separating and divorcing as of next year.I'm just someone who when I feel so strong I have to write down my feelings. The stories to me are in a way of expressing my feelings - they aren't dirty in my eyes. You make love to your husbands but this is a way of making love without actually going through with the actual act. Yes I would be hurt if the situation was reversed but I told my husband someday he may find someone who just overwhelms him like what happened to me. I don't expect sympathy or anyone to understand but until it happens to you - you don't know what I've gone through. I've never slept around in fact my 35 years on this earth my husband is the only one I've ever been with. I never expected in a million years for anything like this to happen to me or to happen ever again. It took me 35 years to find this one person I don't see it happening again. I would forget about him but even when I don't write him stories for a while he still comes around. It's sad that other people got involved but when feelings take over there isn't a whole lot you can do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 12:58pm
You aren't divorced yet and sending this guy what you are sending him is at best highly inappropriate. Your husband has a right to get angry.

I certainly hope there are no children involved.

And yes there is control when feelings take over. That is what separates humans from the other animals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 1:55pm
It's not cheating just kind of tacky and inappropriate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:19pm
Why on earth would you continue to do it if you know it bothers him so much?

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:18pm
Hon, everyone is attracted to others even when married, but it's still our decision to act on those feelings are not. If the feelings were that strong, I think most of us here would agree that it's a signal that something is missing in the relationship/marriage you are in and rather than act on those feelings, leave the relationship you are in first OR deal with the issues.

You say the guy you write to is also married, how sad for his wife, espeically if she doesn't know about what's been written and given to her husband. I'm sure she would think it was inappropriate to and feel betrayed. Affairs, even those of the heart, hurt far more people then just the two that make the decision to continue contact, flirt, act inappropriately or even jump into bed together.

I suggest you post on the My Affair Support board under Infidelity here at ivillage.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 2:25am
"It's my life and I'm the one that has to live with what I say or do - no one else." That could not be more incorrect! You are in a marriage, a partnership, and EVERYTHING you do AFFECTS your husband. agree that you have been having an affair on him, and as his wife, no one should get that kind of intimacy from you BUT HIM.

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