Ettiquette and being rude

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Ettiquette and being rude
15
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 9:30am

My boyfriend of 14 months now and I  go out with his friends (a couple) from time to time.  They have been friends for a long time and every time we have a conversation, it is between the 3 of them and I am totally out of the picture.  They look and talk to him only. As much as I try to strike up a conversation with them, they go right back to talking to my boyfriend.  I don’t have problems with other people, just this couple.   Is this rude or to be expected? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 7:58pm

not all of your boyfriends friends are meant to be your friends and vice-versa. but he should have enogh respect for you to not allow his friends to be rude to you.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 9:45pm

mom_lovetodance wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:small"><span style="color:#000000"><span style="font-family:Calibri">My boyfriend of 14 months now and I <span> </span>go out with his friends (a couple) from time to time.<span>  </span>They have been friends for a long time and every time we have a conversation, it is between the 3 of them and I am totally out of the picture.<span>  </span>They look and talk to him only. As much as I try to strike up a conversation with them, they go right back to talking to my boyfriend.<span>  </span>I don’t have problems with other people, just this couple. <span>  </span>Is this rude or to be expected?<span>  </span></span></span></span></p>

This is something your boyfriend should not have allowed to stand or participate in.  They might not be that interested in being your friend, but that doesn't mean that he should tolerate them being pointedly rude to you like that... nor should he be joining in and excluding you.

It's been about a year now that you've been with him and I went back and could find at least 4 posts of yours with the exact same title: "Am I overreacting?" about the same exact thing over and over and over again. You were complaining about being left out when your boyfriend wanted to go on a skiing trip and didn't invite you go to along, even though other couples would be there.  And before that, you were complaining, yet again, about him wanting to spend more time with his skiing friends than with you and you were only 6 months into this then. Before that, it was about going to dinner twice with a female friend of his and showing pictures of a vacation and leaving you out of the conversation; then before that he was taking an ex girlfriend to a hockey game.

o_O

I think it's time for you to stop being so desperate for his friends to know that you two are a couple.  It's just stress that is not getting you anywhere. If after one year, he has not moved closer to demonstrating his commitment to you in public and in front of his friends, then guess what?  He's not going to move closer to you and he's not giving off the vibe to anyone he hangs with that that is his intention, either--otherwise, their treatment of you wouldn't be what it is and it wouldn't be tolerated by him.

Really--you've wasted one year of your life--time you'll never get back--doing your best not to see what is plainly laid out in front of your eyes. For someone who is old enough to have a grandchild, I'm really shocked that this needs to be spelled out to you. If him not only allowing his friends to be rude to you, but he himself doing nothing to include you doesn't make you step back and stand sentry to your own self esteem and self worth, then it's clear that you've taught him that you do not value yourself, so why should he?

He is going to treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Staying with him confers your permission for him to proceed in that vein. Own that.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 10:18pm

Here is the difference between a guy who cares and who doesn't:

my ex had a married female friend who had a huge circle of friends, my ex being a part of that circle.  When he started dating me, she was rather miffed that I sneaked in under the radar.  On balance, she was cordial to me, but there were times when I felt that her behavior was offensive.  As time went on, it appeared that she accepted that I was his girlfriend and none of her friends had a shot, which is what she wanted. She and her husband ended up moving to the east coast; my ex and I eventually ended up moving to the east coast ourselves and got together with her and her husband for dinner/drinks a number of times. It all seem pleasant enough.

He and I were invited to a barbecue at her parent's place on 4th of July. There were lots of people there.  We were having fun, eating food, drinking, blah blah.. At one point, she came over to where we were sitting and without ever looking at me or acknowledging I was there, she sat down next to my ex and said that she thought that it was time for him to take her out for a drink, just the two of them, so that she could visit with him like old times. She made a point of the fact that I was not invited along.  She then got up and walked away. We had both just moved about 8 months prior to this and were so busy with work that we hadn't gone out on a proper date ourselves.  I'd said to him "well, that's nice, but you have to first take me out for dinner and drinks". He thought nothing more about it.. I'd gotten up to go get a beer and she was then sitting in a lounge chair and when I caught a glimpse of her, she was glaring at me as if I'd tried to do her husband or something. I mean it was menacing. I told my ex about it on the way home and he basically filed it away, but I thought about that for a few days. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

I had no problems with him taking her out for a drink. What I had a problem with was her coming over and acting like I wasn't siting there. All she needed to say was "Kendahke, I miss my old friend... I want to catch up with him and hear what's going on.. would you mind if I kidnapped him for an evening?"  I'd been totally cool with that. But that's not how she brought it. So I said something to my ex about it and spelled out my case about it. I felt that she owed me an apology for being so rude to me for no reason whatsoever.  At first, he was reluctant to say anything, but as I spelled out why my case was what it was, he had to agree that what she did was rude.  So he said something to her and she in turn attacked me to him.

He cut off his friendship with her and to this day, he still has nothing to do with her. Not only does he feel she owes me an apology, but he feels she owes him one, too. He said in all the years he's known her, he said that if her husband felt he did something disrespectful that he would be apologizing and making sure to smooth the waters. The fact that she didn't hold his friendship to that high of a standard spoke volumes to him.

That is the difference between a guy who cares for his woman's esteem and one who doesn't.

Put your case to your boyfriend. If he refuses to check his friend's treatment of you, then you know he doesn't care enough for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 8:42pm
I completely agree with you! :) I have to agree that that woman's bf's friends are being rude to her and HE should have said something about their behavior to them a long time ago.I say that if he doesn't do anything about it..then she should leave him and NEVER look back BUT I have had experience with some people who are in relationships NOT wanting to rock the boat and would rather be in a bad relationship then no relationship at all.Point being a friend of mine that I have lost due to the fact that since I finally made it known to her that I have always felt uncomfortable around her bf/exhusband ...that I haven't heard back from her at all.I feel that you shouldn't force to be around someone whom you don't like BUT I have a good reason.He has/been abusive to her and controlling so I have always felt like that about him BUT yet she chooses to ignore that for the sake of keeping her man and being in that relationship.I say that life is too short and people shouldn't have go be around rude people or people that they don't like just to please someone else.There are compromises...like someone had suggested about the guy seeing his friends on his own once in awhile and not include his gf since his friends treat her like that. That way you have your friends and you still have your spouse who doesn't have to be around that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 1:50pm
He should at least try to make sure you are included in the activities and conversations so that you don't feel left out. Maybe a discussion with him on how you feel will clear make him see your side of this.

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