everything I ever knew is wrong!

Avatar for merriweather
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
everything I ever knew is wrong!
7
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 5:05pm
I thought my marriage of 30+ years was fairly stable. I knew we had mismatched libidos, his being over the top and mine being very near the bottom. I only wanted sex 2 or 3 times a week. And I didn't especially like oral sex. I thought he respected my attitude about sex even though he didn't like it and I was content--and I thought he was too. He even told me so. Recently I was informed by him that he had been holding back his real feelings for decades. Decades!! He is and always has been dissatisfied with our sex-life. He keeps bringing up the fact that within a week of our marriage he was sleeping on the couch. (I actually don't remember that, we have certainly been sleeping together since then.) But it sounds like something that very well could have happened. And now he expects oral sex every night. Even though I was doing it wrong, he used to climax, now, in order for him to enjoy it, he wants me to take it in deeper. And I always gag. Is it true that most sexually active couples have oral sex? I sure feel naive or something. I'm not sure that I can ever learn to like it. I am astounded that he was never satisfied! I really don't want to end this relationship, but I feel that it has all been a lie. We are fairly dependent on each other emotionally. And I have never worked outside the home. This is my home, it is monetarily possible that I leave--for the present time, though I'd have to find some kind of job. He has a drinking problem. He drinks way too much, several glasses of straight whiskey per night. I have a voice in my head that says the drinking is doing that. The change seemed to be abrupt to me. It seems to me that since he has trouble with "regular" sex, he is trying to compensate for it with oral. I am willing to learn new sex techniques, maybe I can learn to actually enjoy them, but I don't think it will end there. When he gets bored with oral sex, he might want to attend orgies or something. How much is too much? The situation is becoming fairly intolerable. Are my values meaningless ? Are they just stupid and old fashioned? Do I have no say in this? I sometimes don't think I can stay in this relationship and still be me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 5:28pm

Whoa, how did we go from oral to orgies?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 6:20pm

Hi Merriweather,

I was married for 15 years 11 years ago. We had good sex but he wanted more often then I did. I like giving oral more then receiving but both can be nice.It's a personal choice. That is up to you. If you are willing to explore this then do so but not because you feel forced to. I found that part degrading when I did it to keep the peace. A 30 year marriage is a long time. Something must have kept you together. Try to find out what that is. It is hard when you are financially dependent on someone to make make the hard choice of leaving. If counselling does not help you may be faced with that choice for your own sake.I know it is tough.I too was financially dependent for some of those years.Whatever you do please take care of yourself first.Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 11:14pm
I dont blame you for feeling dismayed about your husband's lack of honesty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 12:33am

Merriweather, you've been given some great advice so far.


I just wanted to comment about your

Avatar for merriweather
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 8:10am
Thanks for saying that, true. I had hoped I wasn't the most frigid married person in the world. Some times I feel like it.
Avatar for merriweather
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 8:32am

Lately, I am not sexually satisfied either, as he is not capable of performing the kind of sex that I like. I feel I have been at least willing to try to enjoy what he enjoys. It seems like there should be some middle ground. I feel like he is not considering what I am feeling.

His drinking turns me off big-time. My father was an alcoholic. I never even knew the good he must have had in him at one time, my strongest memories of him was of him being at the bar and not home with us. DH is different, he has always been a very good dad and provider/protector.

Avatar for merriweather
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 9:05am

I got from "oral to orgies" from the on-line porn he watches and from the fantasies he tells me about, also from the swinger and group sex porn magazines he has stuffed under his side of the mattress. I feel like the cliche' of "give him an inch and he'll take a mile" applies here, I've noticed it happening through the years. Stuff that started as a special treat sexually becomes routine, and then he moves on to something else.

I only mentioned the money aspect of this to show that I have thought seriously about leaving him. It is not just some half baked idea from a crazy woman. I know one needs money to live, and I have some I can call my own. I have all the money I need here, but I cant very well ask him to pay for my leaving him.

His drinking started because of the stress with his job. He tells me that 80% of the people who do the kind of work he does are alcoholics or heavy drinkers. My dad was an alcoholic, so I know a little bit about it. I grew up with it, I could see problems coming 5 years ago.