The Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
The Ex
3
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:24am
Okay, I've been in this relationship for about 8 months. Here's how it started. I needed a roommate, because I was moving out of an apartment with my old roommate who had problems paying bills on time. A girl I knew told me her brother was looking for a roommate. I met him,and he seemed okay, so I moved in. Well, then we started dating. The thing is that his ex-girlfriend lived only two doors down from us. He had moved out of her apartment 6 months earlier. She was really jealous although she had a boyfriend at the time. She was rude to me, and said bad things about me to the neighbors, which weren't true. She ended up buying her first shortly afterward, because she didn't want to have to see us share a Christmas tree. This shows her craziness. Well, since she moved out, she asks my boyfriend to do everything: he painted her walls, put in new flooring, hung her lights, installed her smoke detector, and lets her dog out. He complains about it, but continues doing it. Well, now she has a new boyfriend and has already moved in with him. She invited my boyfriend and I to the house for a cookout. I know she is only doing this because she wants him to see how "happy" she is, and rub it in his face. He wants to go, because he says they are still friends although they never hang out, and wants me to go with him. I don't like her, and don't want to go. He defended her when I said I didn't lik her by saying, she says she likes you..blah, blah. He has said things like, "I'm not sure if I want to go, because her new boyfriend seems to have this great place and a good job and everything, and I don't know if I want to deal with that." He also said he won't be letting her dog out anymore, because he doesn't want to drive all the way to the new boyfriend's house to let her out, even though he drove to the other side of town to do it before she moved in with this guy. She should have asked a neighbor to do it anyway. Is he jealous of his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend, and does this mean he's not over their relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: me94323
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:15pm
I think there are a few things going on here

::Well, since she moved out, she asks my boyfriend to do everything: he painted her walls, put in new flooring, hung her lights, installed her smoke detector, and lets her dog out. He complains about it, but continues doing it.

So rather than set a boundary with her, he helped her out for unknown reason (guilt, wanting to remain friends, not wanting to be seen as the bad guy by saying no, etc). Also by doing this he was getting something out of it - either he liked her attention or he liked showing her what a 'good guy' he is. He complained about it, but to the wrong person. He should have stood up for himself.

::I know she is only doing this because she wants him to see how "happy" she is, and rub it in his face.

You are probably reading her intentions correctly.

::He wants to go, because he says they are still friends although they never hang out, and wants me to go with him.

Again he wants to be seen as the 'good guy' - they never hang out, but are friends. Saying they are friends is the polite way of ending a relationship.

::I don't like her, and don't want to go. He defended her when I said I didn't lik her by saying, she says she likes you..blah, blah.

Even though you don't want to go, I think you should. 1) to show a united front, 2) so your boyfriend can face his issues with her. Maybe even see the truth of her actions.

::He has said things like, "I'm not sure if I want to go, because her new boyfriend seems to have this great place and a good job and everything, and I don't know if I want to deal with that."

Sounds like he doesn't think he can measure up to her new boyfriend and has some issues with her moving on. Yet, it's part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks up and he may not be completely healed from their split.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: me94323
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:16pm
They are obviously not over eachother, and if he is your man then he shouldn't be "helping" his ex out like that. Sounds like there is something going on with them do you think they are still sleeping together??
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
In reply to: me94323
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:16pm
6 months is not long enough for someone to get over an ended relationship, let alone to have transitioned into being just friends with the ex. Emotionally, things are not over between them, that's obvious. Does he do all that kind of stuff for you, too? He must be a very busy guy. The fact that she's asking him to do those things when she has a bf (who should be the one doing them for her) just means she's on a power trip -- manipulating him and controlling him still, first from 2 doors down, then from across town. The fact that he goes along with it is a huge red flag IMO. Reading your post gave me the distinct image of him as a puppet and her as the puppeteer. And you as the onlooker in the audience, trying to get between them. Friendship is a label that's so overused! They are not true friends. What's going on between them is not how real friends interact and treat one another. She's got other motives and he's got reasons to play along. I wonder why he's so desperate to have her in his life that he'd be such a puppet. In any case, the reasons why don't matter. His actions show you that he's not emotionally available or capable of having a healthy relationship at this point, with you or anyone. I'd move on, but that's just me. I wouldn't waste my time being caught up in the middle of crap like that. You're looking for something he can't give you right now. His actions speak louder than his words. Hope you listen to them. Take care.