***EX Advice PLEASE!!***

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
***EX Advice PLEASE!!***
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:14pm
Please Help! Here's my situation...

I'm wondering two things... (1)Is it okay for me to get back with my ex-boyfriend? (2)Does he even deserve a second chance?

My ex and I broke up about almost 2years ago. He was going through traumatic problems, etc. in his life at the time and I was doing all I could to be by his side. Through all of his emotional ups and downs, he decided that he didn't deserve me and thought we should break up. After giving myself time to think(took me a month!), I thought it would be a good idea so that he could recover from what he was going through and to give him space as well...I thought that if we were meant to be we would later get back together.

After breaking up I wanted to keep in touch and stay friends. That didn't happen. He thought that wouldn't be a good idea. It tore me apart, but as time passed I eventually got through the whole break up. So, this is the big part. A couple of months later, I found out from a mutual friend that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend whom was his first love.

Currently (2003) he has broken up with her. Recently, he has been calling me and telling me that he regrets the whole past and wishes for me to give him another chance. I was basically hurt that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and that during his "times of trouble", I couldn't help him...but he later went back to his ex-girlfriend? How is that supposed to make me feel? He was my first love and it hurts so much that he only NOW realizes what a mistake he has made.

I feel it's too late, but at the same time I kind of want to give him that chance. I really don't want to let him get the best of me again, but sometimes I wonder if the timing wasn't right the first time around? My ex has been on a "quest" to get me back for 3 mos now and I'm scared to give in. He has been calling me drunk, he has been telling me that his mother even feels that we were special, he has been just constantly apologizing, etc. However, I feel betrayed...almost as if he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend... I don't care that he got with her after we broke up... it still bothers me. Just the thought of him sleeping with another woman tears me apart.

I'm not sure what to do!!! I still love him, I'll always love him. I've moved on with our relationship and am okay now...but now I'm starting to stress on whether to give US a second chance. What should I do? Does he deserve a second chance? I'm thinking that I'm going to make him work for it if I do decide to work things out again. I don't know...please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:37pm


It's hard to be in love with an ex, especially when they're the worst person in the world for you.

As for his rationale for leaving you the first time, I think it's fishy. He doesn't think he "deserves" you, so he breaks up with you. Then, because he's so "unworthy," he refuses to speak to you. Hmmmmm...doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Men who say they don't "deserve" their girlfriends usually don't, because men who say that are (in my experience) usually cheating. Or planning to. It's the guilt that makes them say they don't deserve you, and their guilt serves as further "proof" to them that you are "better off" without them. It's how a cheater rationalizes leaving his faithful girlfriend for someone that he(at least at that time) wants more. My guess is he had already gotten back in contact with his ex before he broke it off with you, and then didn't want to maintain contact with you because he was afraid you'd find out. Either that or his ex said she didn't want you two to be friends so soon after the breakup. Or she didn't know you two had been together to begin with, and he wanted to keep that from her. Or a combination of any of those unpleasant possibilities. He was with her OPENLY by TWO MONTHS after you broke up. My guess is it was secret long before that.

But I could be completely off base about all that. That's just my read of the situation. Whatever the case where your breakup was concerned, you need to ask yourself a series of questions before you even think of dating him, let alone getting back together with him.

Is he over his first love? Did he dump her or vice versa? Why?

Does he have a stable, reliable, full-time job which he has held for at least six months?

Has he, in word and deed, shown himself to have overcome the "traumatic" events that supposedly caused the two of you to break up before?

How often does he get really drunk? More than once a month? More than once a week?

Does he seem like he's in a "good place" in his life, and ready for a stable relationship?

You need to get the right answers to those questions before you see him again. I don't have to tell you what the right answers are. You know what they are.

Breaking up with you may indeed have been a mistake for him. But if he isn't over his "first love," if he doesn't have a job, if he drinks too much, if he's still carrying a lot of emotional baggage, then getting back together with him would be YOUR mistake, wouldn't it?

I have a gut feeling you'll get the wrong answers and try with him anyway. I hope I'm wrong.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:56pm
You HAVEN'T moved on if you're considering getting involved with him again!!!

i believe that everyone deserves a second chance, so I'd tell you to try again, especially if you love him as much as you say you do.