Ex boyfriend treating me like a yo yo
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Ex boyfriend treating me like a yo yo
| Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:54pm |
I was with my boyfriend for 6 months, he dumped me by text message saying he wanted to end things because he was going in the army. We had no contact for a week, and then he text me saying he wanted me back. We were then together for a week and he changed and became rude and nasty, so I dumped him. I found out that when he dumped me the first time, he had cheated on me and didn't have the guts to tell me, he wasn't goin in the army either. I found this out through a friend, not him. I was really upset that he had lied and cheated, so a few weeks later i got with his best friend and was seeing him for two weeks, and then i slept with him. A month and a half had passed since i last spoke to my ex and he rings me saying he misses me and wants to be friends. I ignored him for about a week, and he kept calling and texting. In the end I replied saying i had slept with his best friend because i wanted to hurt him. This worked, and he wanted me back even more. I said no, and ended things with his best mate too. Three weeks passed and I contacted him asking for us to be friends because i missed him, and he was pleased. We were good friends for a few weeks and i was offered a holiday by my best friend and her boyfriend. They wanted me and my ex to go away with them as friends because we all used to hang around together and got on so well. My friend's boyfriend asked my ex and he said yes. We booked the holiday and he was so excited that he started texting me saying he had strong feelings for me still, i replied saying i felt the same but just wanted to be friends until i could learn to trust him again. He was fine with this. We then started meeting up 3-4 times a week for about two weeks, and we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, kissing and cuddling and holding hands etc. Morning, noon and night he would text me sweet messages saying things like i was his special little princess and he didn't want to lose me ever again and that he wanted us to be together and wanted to see me everyday,and like a fool i replied saying the same kind of thing. So this went on for three weeks and one day he just stopped. And he started being rude to me on the phone and I had a go at him, and he apologised and said he felt like we were an item again and he didn't want that just yet because he felt there was a lot of pressure on him. I explained it was all him doing the chasing, i was just responding to the nice things he was saying. He then said he had a lot on his mind, like he's lost his job, he is £18,000 in debt etc etc. I said that we are just friends and to stop stressing, but he was still being funny with me and cancelled our date for the evening. I had another go at him for messing with my head and told him that i didn't want anymore sweet text messages and i didn't want any kissing or cuddling to happen if we are to meet up. He agreed and was fine with this. I was so shocked that i asked if he meant anything he said, and he said he did and he still hopes something will work out but in time. Now i have a problem, i haven't heard from him for 5 days, i dont know why he had such a sudden change of heart from wanting me back to saying that he wasn't ready to be an item, and i dont know if he still wants to come on holiday with us. Maybe his friends have put him off me because i slept with one of them and they think im a bitch?! He was trying to keep us a secret from them because of his pride, perhaps they found out? I dont know what to do, I feel used and heartbroken.

Sleeping with and texting each other all day is not a real relationship.
This guy isn't treating you like a yo-yo - he's doing exactly what he wants, when he wants and as long as you put up with it, he thinks he has permission to continue doing so. So far you've showed him by actions that it's ok if he lies to you, it's ok if he cheats, it's ok if he's rude to you, it's ok if cancels dates with you when better things come up. You've allowed him to treat you this way.
When you decide you are worth more, you will set a boundary and block his messages, not hook up with him and not take his calls.
He's not going to change his behavior for you because he already knows he doesn't have to. Also, you can't love him enough, want him enough, give him what he wants enough to change him, to make him love you and want you and to be the kind of person you want him to be.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
Why does this surprise you? This is his MO. This is how your relationship runs. It is a mess.
Sounds like you need to get out and learn how to have a respectful honet relationship.
First, this relationship has a TON of issues! Let me point out some things if I may?
He cheats and dumps you, you cheat on him in such a way as to create the maximum impact on his heart. You are now in 'payback mode' - You hurt me and I hurt you worse. Ive been there and it always ends up the same way - you standing by yourself, tears streaming down your face, alone, whispering "I won..." Stop it and stop it now, its not worth it. Instead of talking, trying to move past, you made the issue that you are both only committed at the point of giving each other pain.
Over his being just friends with you... do you let your friends treat you as he has? I dont mine! Alot of times, the 'just friends' = a sex partner who they dont have to be committed to. This will continue until you draw the line that "Friends are friends and dont have sex, and Committment means you have a relationship and share sex to share each other deeper and the line does NOT cross." Each time you cross the line and give in to stroking his ego with your heart and your body, its going to hold him off even longer, continue to hide you and keep taking what you give so willingly. Lets look at it rationally, honey. Would you buy a 27" tv if someone let you use a big screen tv indefinitely without any money exchanged? Of course not. So, why is sex and your other affections any different?
His rude behavior is a way to keep you from asking for more (a relationship) than he wants to give and still get to have what he wants. This boy cant even committ to being uncommitted!
Now, Ive talked him out, and I touched on your behavior with 'payback mode' a little bit (and I do know what Im talking about, I played that game and it nearly cost me everything that I hold dear, so DONT DO IT), now I want to tell you something else that you are doing wrong.
"Having a GO at him" is not going to stop his mistreatment. He knows he can do what he wants, and you will yell but then give in. This is a residual teenage type behavior (and if you are older that doesnt mean anything except that you havent put it to rest - Ive seen people who are in thier thirties pull this type of behavior.) YOU MUST get to a place where you can state your reasons for not liking what he does and be firm with the fact that it will NOT happen again if he wants to be anywhere near to even your friend. The treatment is wrong, hurtful, and he will not be accepted with open arms and pretty typing or talking. Instead of screaming or playing his game back at him, use your wits to get it stopped. You would be surprised how much firm words can do. "What you did was unacceptable and I wont tolerate your treatment of me for another day."
Over the text messages, since they cloud your thinking, DELETE them. When he starts trying to fill your ears instead of your heart, tell him that his knowledge of the english language and how to use it to his benefit do NOT surprise you, but a bit of maturity would and does he have the ability to stand behind his words instead of expecting THEM to satisfy you because you need just a bit more than that.
(And honey, if someone belittled me by calling me 'their little princess' I think that *I* might have a go at them! lol Thats patronizing, putting you in your place which is lower than him, my God, why didnt he just pat you on the head to go one further. )
One thing that you are going to have to do is define the relationship and have it followed through. Youre giving all that you have to someone and getting absolutely nothing in return. Theres only one way to stop that and that is to stand up for those wants that you have for a reason and see them carried through with a person who does have the courage to stand up with you and not hide you.
He is not going to like any of this, but then if you were getting everything for nothing, you wouldnt either. You're going to call a stop - one way or the other - on his little indulgences and its high time that you do.
If you are so intent on giving him another chance (which its obvious from your post that you are) then state to BOTH of you that this is the last time, so if he isnt sure that he can do it, friends is all there is until then. Friends WITHOUT romance or sex. If he does want a committment, you are going to hold him to that and if he messes up again, he's done for. Including as friends. That way, when he makes his choice, you know that its with knowledge of the repercussions of his actions and you can leave knowing that you warned him that any childishness will be ending the relationship.
I really do wish that you would leave him alone, I dont think he is very good for you and brings out some very bad behavior in you due to your frustrations and hurts and anger. (For which I can understand) But its pretty obvious that you want to be with him. But honey he is going to have to make a stand for his actions and he will only treat you cruelly and spout pretty words to shut you up for as long as you will let him. You decide what it is that you deserve by what you accept.