ex breaking up with fiancee for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
ex breaking up with fiancee for me
4
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:41pm


Hi,

I've never done this discussion board thing before, but I'm in a bit of a pickle and just thought I'd try to get an 'outsider' opinion.

I went out with my ex for 6 years. Over our 6 years I grew dependant on him. He did lots of things for me - sometimes things he didn't even want to do - just bacause he always said "if you really love someone, you'll do anything for them". I grew to rely on him and allowed him to - I suppose - look after me emotionally. He did so much running around after me - he stopped playing golf and stopped going out with his friends to try and tie in with my busy work schedule. I always felt he was more attentive to my needs than I was to his. At the time, I honestly didn't know why I allowed this to happen. I did truely love him and we always laughed, got on well and connected with each other on so many levels.

After 6 years of going out, he felt ready to settle down and talked a lot about marriage. In my heart, I wanted to marry him, but I started to think - I've lost a bit of who I am - I've learned to rely on a man - when I always wanted to be independant. So, I told him I wanted to get some counselling to figure things out. I reckoned he had some need also - a need for me to need him - if that makes sense. So, I suggested we take a break from each other - both individually see counsellors - and figure ourselves out before getting into something as serious as marriage...

Here's where the problem starts. He was hugely upset. Phoned me a lot, said I was really breaking his heart and could we not work things together. I was insistant we needed time out. I know this really hurt him. I started seeing a counsellor - figured why I let things get that way. Resolved a lot of issues, read a lot of books... We were in touch all the time. He told me that he hadn't yet seen a counsellor, but was doing ok on his own.

But he wasn't on his own. He met someone a few weeks after we had the break. He continued seeing her and moved in with her. I only found this out through a conversation with a mutual friend - he never told me, even though we were in touch by phone all the time. He'd been lying. We had a huge argument and I told him never to contact me again.

He plagued me for months and eventually I agreed to meet him. We talked - he cried his eyes out. Told me he rushed into things with her and wasn't sure if he even loved her. Told me I broke his heart and he was needy! Anyway, he said he was going to leave her and be on his own to sort out his feelings...

He spoke to her alright - and when she cried and begged him not to leave - they decided to get engaged!!!

So there he is, 6 months out of a relationship with me and he's engaged to someone else. In the meantime - I assured him that I hadn't broken up with him bacause I didn't love him - it was just to sort out priorities and how to be independant again. Not because I didn't love him... He stayed with her, so I broke contact again.

Now, another 6 months on - he's been in contact again. This time to tell me he's finally been seeing a counsellor (for the last 3 months). He's realised that he never loved this girl and is still in love with me. He realises we probably don't have a future because of all his lies, but he wanted to let me know that he's always loved me, not her. He wanted to apologise for all the hurt and lies. He knows now that he needs to be on his own to sort his head out and is determined to get out of his engagement before it's too late...

I don't know how to feel... I know I'd be mad to ever think about us in the future. I never stopped loving him though. I long to be close to him again (not now - but I'm thinking of leaving things for a few months and see how things go.) But no-body in my life will EVER welcome him back after what he's done. My family and friends all HATE him for the lies he's told. I realise I deserve someone who's not going to lie to me... and if I do find the courage and heart to forgive him... would things ever be the same???

Phew - that's a long story!!! Any insight from anyone?

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:50am

First off, you have every right to be angry. He did lie to you and it seems like he hid his girlfriend just so he could garner more guilt from you. So, be angry. Keep that anger in mind every time you think about getting back with him.

I had an ex like that. We had such an intense connection, but he lied to me continuously. The past year he has persistently pursued me, and I've considered it, but then I remember his lies. The damage has been done and even if we DID get back together, I would not be able to fully trust him again.

My advice is to fully break contact with him. Change your numbers and email addresses if needed be (I had to). Your family, it seems, would be in support of this. You seem to be a healthy individual and the counseling has served a purpose, so try not to get sucked back into this man's drama.

Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:27pm
I think I would advise him to keep seeing the counselor and maybe check in with him in 6 months. See where he is with the counseling and his life and if the two of you feel a need to reconnect. There is no point in getting back together with a man who makes such rash, emotional, irrational decisions right now. He isn't ready to be in a healthy relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:03pm

I second what ciao_gina said and add:

You might want to consider keeping contact at a minimum in those 6 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 7:01pm


Hi,

Thanks so much for your advice. I know I'd be mad to go back now - it's just good to hear from others. I sorta felt my family and friends are too involved to give an unbiased opinion. I know it's just because they care and want what's best for me. But I know him, what he's been through and what I feel for him. I can't ignore that he lied to me. Nor can I ignore that it took him nearly a year (!) to do something positive to change what was making him unhappy.
I spoke with him today and suggested we don't contact each other for a while. He's going to continue seeing his counsellor and I'm going to see mine too... And who knows, maybe in 6 months we can be friends... and take it from there. I might feel differently about a relationship with him then, depending on how things go, but right now, I don't think either of us are in a position to make a healthy decision.

Thanks for replying to my post...