the ex: did he or didn't he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
the ex: did he or didn't he?
5
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:40am
My now husband of 6 months spent some time back home visiting friends and family (we're military, no kids) after a deployment for about a month until i got the time off to meet him there, when he proposed to me. However, while he was home he spent some time with an ex-girlfriend whom he remained friendly with. This ex though did everything in her power to try and get him back because she always thought they would be together. My husband didnt do anything to disillusion her until i asked him to. She continued sending him loveletters during our engagement, which is when i asked him to say something to her. He told her to keep it at a friend level or he wouldnt talk to her anymore. Now, this was all a year ago. And I've held this suspicion and cant get past it that my husband cheated on me with this girl. He thought she and I could be friends, but when he introduced us he went to lay down saying he was tired, which left she and i to talk. seem a little weird that he wouldnt want to say goodbye to this good "friend" he'd been hanging out with, as we'd be leaving in a few days? after we left his hometown,she mentioned something (a little tipsy at a bar) about sleeping with my husband to his best friend. i asked her over aol if anything happened, she said a kiss and that was it. i should trust him, but this keeps nagging me. my husband says nothing happened at all, no kiss, nothing.and that she has some issues. i want him to confront her about what she's said in the past, but he thinks i should let it go and it's best to just cut off all communications with her. he's agreed to this. but i think that if anything did happen, it's an excuse to cover it up. i just want to know the truth and this woman has been an issue. am i just being paranoid and distrusting, or should i pursue the truth? any advice at all is appreciated. sorry if it was a little long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 11:51am

based on this information alone, its hard to tell if he did or didn't do anything with her. he says no, she says sort of. you already know that she has been chasing him - so she might be saying things just to get back at him or to get him back or to make you mad. or she may be telling the truth.


are you feeling that you can't trust him? or are you feeling jealous? if this is one time incident, and you can put it behind you, trusting him, without really "knowing" the truth - then move on.


if you feel that you can't trust him, that there are other issues, that he lies/manipulates/stretches the truth - then you need to either work on these issues pronto (together) or move on from the marriage.


If YOU are the one with the issues, i.e., you have trouble trusting people, you are jealouse for no reason - then you need to work on thse issues.


sorry if i am no tmore helpful but you diddn't give enuf info about the nature of your relationship(s)


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 12:09pm
I do feel a little jealous, but i dont believe without reason. In the beginning of our relationship, he tended to glorify this ex, so that bred a few insecurities. I didnt think he was quite over her. But I've dealt with that. It's just the not knowing.

I dont know if i can just put this in the past as a 'one time incident' without knowing, because I'll still have that doubt.

I want to trust him, but there were several times when I found out he contacted her via email and didnt tell me because he didnt think it was a 'big deal' to write and wish her a happy birthday, christmas, or whatver. I know trust is important, and I'm worried about that aspect of our relationship. Sometimes just letting out in an environment like this with everyone's perspective helps alot. I'll probably look into couples cousenling for us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 12:50pm
so should i ask him to say anything to her about her behavior to see if it gives anything away, sets her straight, or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 1:09pm

well again, i am not sure, but based on what you are writing, it sounds like you are the one with the insecurities. with or without reason. if YOU feel insecure because he said nice things about his ex - then you are the one who needs to deal with the insecurity. again, unless you feel he is deliberately being mean to you.


re his sending her emails for happy birthday/xmas - what is the big deal? he has an ex - i am assuming that you had a life too before you got married to him? do you not have friends that you are in touch with?


sorry, again the few incidents you brought up are not enuf to say - yes, he is definately cheating. I think that you need to learn to trust. have you had BFs cheat on you in the past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 1:28pm
He's admitted to saying things to purposefully make me jealous. That's stopped. Emailing an ex isnt a big deal, of course we both have bonds with people from before we met each other. He keeps in touch with another woman as well, but the difference is that one has moved on with her life and knows how to be just a friend, the other hasnt. And these emails were sent after he said he wouldnt contact her anymore. So I do feel a little decieved by that.

I haven't been cheated on by him, or any other boyfriends, however I have been the cheater before (not on my husband). And I've known plenty of unfaithful men, (not romantically involved with them myself). So yes, admittedly, I am aware I need to trust. I just didnt think it would be this hard, or be tested like this, as naive as that might be.