The ex-factor

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
The ex-factor
2
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:06pm
Hi, my boyfriend and I have been going out for 7 months now and we're really in love. The only little problem is his invasive ex. They went out together for 8 years, broke up 3 years ago and decided to remain friends. But it looks like she can't live without having the feeling she still has her hold on him. She calls almost everyday and even calls him at work just to chat. They have diner together every 2 weeks, just the two of them and she complains that he doesn't see her that much now that he has somebody new. I admire the fact that he can have a friendship with her and I don't mind that much that she is his ex 'cause I don't believe they want to get back together. What I mind is she is overly present in our life (though I haven't met her yet!), calling at 8 am in the morning or during diner or while we're in bed "not sleeping". I feel she is taking much more space and time than a normal friend should. I'm really uncomfortable with their relationship 'cause it looks like 2 people refusing to let go of the past.

Am I just crazy?

Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: annieville
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:44pm
No, I don't think you are crazy at all. Sounds to me like you've tried to be understanding, diplomatic, and patient about it but now you are at your wit's end. Which I would have been a long time ago. Seems to me that many bounderies are being crossed here. And not just by her. He is allowing this and he isn't setting any clear bounderies for her out of respect for you.

Have you shared your feelings with your boyfriend? If you two are really that in love I think he might be receptive to your feelings, as you should come first here. If he resists you on this topic then that would immediately raise some red flags for me. I find it odd that they have dinner together, just the two of them. Why don't you ever get to come along? Afterall, when a couple begins to get serious do they not introduce eachother to their friends and, occasionally include them in their plans?

I say talk to him first. See what kind of a response you get. Get him to set some bounderies and limitations so this girl isn't calling all hours of the day. And just as soon as he agrees to that, why not suggest a get-together...the three of you? Show him that you are open about his friendship with her and hopefully if she meets you, maybe it'll sink in that she needs to back away.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: annieville
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:51am

This chick is overstepping the boundaries...big time.Whats even worse though, is that your BF is welcoming this. By doing that, he is disrespecting you and compromising your relationship. This all may eb in good spirit, they proably are nothing more than freinds, but if that is the case..than you need to be included in some of these get togethers.Reason being is that if he has decided to be exclusive with you then that means he has chosen to include you in his life. i dont see a reason why he shouldnt want to include you in these meetings either...


I would let him know how this makes you feel when he doesnt included you....or accomodate your feelings.If them meeting every other week is more frequent then you two g out- somethings wrong and he needs to be aware of that.


Best wishes,