EX-Factor- Still in love with ex-fiancee??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
EX-Factor- Still in love with ex-fiancee??
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Mon, 01-07-2013 - 11:07am

HiAll,

Haven't been back in a while but alas another relationship ending?  I have been with the man who for the first time I thought could be the love of my life.  We click in every way and enjoy each others company.  There is only 1 problem- his ex-fiancee.  The were together 7+ years but never married.  Just when I think I can relax and just be happy with someone, she somehow manages to ruin it.  And I say her, but the true reality is she did not know about us until October.  He always made an excuse that she was too fragile to hear it.  She tends to call him when something difficult happens in her life. 

Jus to give the backstory, I have been insecure about his ex since the begininng.  He had so many things of her in his house when I first stayed there that it was almost as if she still lived there- photos, cards, some other more personal items.  I finally blew up at him one day and said he had to get rid of it and that it was disrespectful to me.  He did (not everything) so I finally just threw it out myself.  He says he just doesn't get rid of stuff which i do find to be true.  He even called me by her name a few times (as recently as 1 week ago at a very poor time).  They had a really complicated relationship to the outside (never even lived together in 7 years) but he would never really talk about it so I always feel like she was the once that got away for him.  This all became a non-issue eventually and I got to a place where I was comfortable.  We were long distance up until August.  When I was interviewing for a job in his hometown to be closer to him, his ex texted him and he hid it from me.  Turns out one of her friends got cancer and she called him to cry.  I was there interviewing to move 1500 miles aways and she was causing us issues.  I got over it.  He didn't tell her about us at this time because he said she was very fragile (This is the second time he avoided it).

I think we are doing well after this occurs, and it is about 1.5 years into our relationship. I move to be with him,  and the the next set of texts occurs… but this time on says "I hope you are doing well.  I am so very sorry and it still makes me cry and difficult to talk. Love, ??".  He hides this one from me as well but he gave away the fact that he received a text from her with his facial expressions.  It has happened infrequently enough that it is easy to see.  This text to me says that she might want to get back together with him.  He said, no, thats not what it means, it's just a salvation, etc. making all the excuses for her.  After this, I finally put my foot down, and said, you tell her about us or Im done.  So he tells me he told her.  Of course, I have no proof but what can I do.  A couple days later she texts him that she has to have some medical test run and that she is scared is sorry to text him.  I know he called her and spent at least an hour on the phone.  I know he cares about her because they were together so long but 1.5 years into our relationship, he should not be her support system and she should not be able to manipulate him like this.  She cheated on him and ended there 7+ year relationship even though he would've taken her back.  I have been hurt in the past andI don't want to set myself up for failure when its right in front of me.  I cried for days and fought with him  a lot after these messages.  He defended her and himself saying she is not in my life, just happens that she text me once every 6 months and that she doesn't have anyone else. I would like to believe him but it took him over a year to tell the ex about us.  He also refuses to delete her texts / contact info out of his phone because he says it documents his life and why should he have to do that.  FYI, It also took him 6 months to delete pics off his phone of her.

She has not come into the picture again since end of October, but I can't escape the feeling that something will or is happening.  I have talked about this with my bf and he assures me I am the one he wants and he treats me wonderful.  I just can't escape the pain he has caused me by hiding his relationship.  I actually am at the point where I think ending it may be the only option even if nothing else happens just because of my feelings.  The only other solution I have come up with is to talk to his ex and get her side of the story.  I don't know why but I think finding out if he actually told her about us and if he has been truthful I will feel some sense of relief.  Ive almost call and e-mailed her a few times, and then stopped myself.  Is that crazy?

~Confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 1:04pm

If he saves all texts from her shouldn't there be a text from him saying that you two are together?  Honesly I bet that he never told her about you.  Does he have Facebook?  Does he say that he is in a relationship?  It sounds like he is still attached to her.  If she literally has no one else to call about her problems (and doesn't she have any family members or friends?  that would be pretty rare) then it's not really his problem.  I think when people break up after kind of a long relationship ends, it's hard to get out of the habit of relying on each other because that was the person that you went to with all your problems, but she needs to move on--she can't move on until she gets the message from him that this kind of contact is inappropriate now because he's involved with someone else.  He should either text her and show you the text or he should tell her in front of you so you know that he actually said it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 1:29pm

Yes, he says that he called her to tell her (so there would be no record).  For certain, he does not use any social networking sites.  He has otherwise not hidden me from anyone, family, friends, etc.

Do you think it would be stupid to contact her just to confirm my suspicions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 2:35pm

What do you believe you'd really accomplish by contacting her?  I did it and it halfway backfired, even though I was uber careful how I phrased everything, and I ended up almost sorry I bothered.  If you truly need to do it, then fine, do it.  Just know it often won't end up like you were imagining, nor will it solve the problems you're having.  This is for HIM to handle, it sounds like he is still having feelings for her - if he's honest with himself - and it's affecting your relationship.  If he wanted to, really wanted to, he could end contact - we do that to improve our current relationship, we put the past into the past, or we're supposed to, anyway.  Thinking about her is one thing, staying in touch because she's needy?  Even if she doesn't have anybody else, how is that your problem?  I don't think he can have both of you in his life any more, because here you are writing about it all.  So it's affecting you and your relationship.  So many of us have had to let our partners know they have to choose, it's miserably awful to take that step, but many of them need that push to do it.  SHE isn't "ruining it", he is. 

 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 2:41pm

I have to agree that yeah you can go ahead and contact her but you don't know if that is going to solve your problems. Who says that would stop her texting or calling him? It is up to him to cut the contact. Now there is not necessarily a rule that one must cut all contact with someone after you enter into a new relationship. However it bothers you greatly that this contact occurs and so maybe for you, it is something YOU need out of a relationship in order for you to feel secure and comfortable. If this is the case, and he is not willing to cut the cord, then you are at an impasse. At this point maybe you two need to move on from each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 2:50pm

I guess, but I have tried that.  She texts him so sporadically that I am not sure how to react.  On one hand it could be more often and he could be honest about it.  I would much prefer this. The fact that we have to walk on eggshells where his fragile ex is concerned just drive me nuts.  And, yes, you are absolutely right that it is not her fault.

I am just tired of feeling like a jealous gf and making demands / requests.  For some reason (I don't know if I would ever have the guts to do it), I just feel like if I could sit down with her, I would have some sort of closure.  I would not do it witthout informing him first, so don't know if that makes an difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 2:50pm

I guess, but I have tried that.  She texts him so sporadically that I am not sure how to react.  On one hand it could be more often and he could be honest about it.  I would much prefer this. The fact that we have to walk on eggshells where his fragile ex is concerned just drive me nuts.  And, yes, you are absolutely right that it is not her fault.

I am just tired of feeling like a jealous gf and making demands / requests.  For some reason (I don't know if I would ever have the guts to do it), I just feel like if I could sit down with her, I would have some sort of closure.  I would not do it witthout informing him first, so don't know if that makes an difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 5:40pm

OR...."sitting down with her" could potentially end up in a screaming, humiliating scenario, too.  Some people can do that, I'm not one of them, which is why I chose e-mail for the one-time contact.  I managed to let HER know I was aware of all of their contact (well, I think so, anyway, I'll never know for certain), and in between the lines I was scolding her for her willingness to let me be hurt in the end.  This is not yours to take care of, it's all his.  He either wants to protect your relationship by ending contact with her, or he doesn't.  If it's affecting you this much, I don't see that you have any choice but to tell him once and for all, that he can have her in his life....or he can have YOU, but he can't have you both for one more second.  He needs to make a decision here so your relationship can survive, or you need to find someone who values your presence enough to do the right thing.  He's not a 10-year old, he's a grown up. 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 7:38pm

  What is the real problem?  That he has a female friend?  That they had a thing going?  Are you acting like a jealous GF?  In all of relationships we all will have people.  He has her as a friend.  All of us have ex's.  How we treat out ex's says much about ourselves.  Some people drop all friends when they have a relationship others do not. 

     It is you causing your pain.  Your past belongs to you.  Not to him.  what ever happened in your past is just that past.  Perhaps learning to deal with a painful past is in order.  In his past it has not been painful just different.  In a relationship we must learn to accept that all of us are unique.  Courage speaks louder than fear. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 8:10pm

Hmm, I guess you don't see where you are coming from.  To be clear, the problem I have is not that he has a past or an ex.  It's that he lied to her about me (1.5 years to inform her??) and he lied to me about her.  Noone has the complete story except for him.  I am cordial with 1 or 2 exes but I dont hide my relationship from my bf or them.  I have a past as well bit I am up front about it.  He skulked around like he had something to hide.   I wouldn't even care if he wanted to be friendly as long as I was not excluded due to to her fragility.  I was not planning to be hostile in reaching out to her... just to talk and hopefully reach some common ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 8:10pm

Hmm, I guess you don't see where you are coming from.  To be clear, the problem I have is not that he has a past or an ex.  It's that he lied to her about me (1.5 years to inform her??) and he lied to me about her.  Noone has the complete story except for him.  I am cordial with 1 or 2 exes but I dont hide my relationship from my bf or them.  I have a past as well bit I am up front about it.  He skulked around like he had something to hide.   I wouldn't even care if he wanted to be friendly as long as I was not excluded due to to her fragility.  I was not planning to be hostile in reaching out to her... just to talk and hopefully reach some common ground.

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