ex-GF and husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
ex-GF and husband
12
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 7:03pm
My husband has a freindship of 15 years with his ex. We have been married 4 yrs and all this time I have cried many times because I find he is giving her gifts "as a friend" and contacting her without telling me. I told him to let me know if she contacts him so I don't get all suspicious. I get hurt when I see his emails to her, even if they are a couple times a year. Am I overreacting? This was his love of his life and he claims they are friends, but she cannot meet me, she doesn't want to and will never be a friend to me or anyone of our friends/family. So I just assume he has no feeling for her and vice versa, but it bothers me, he lies to me when he needs to see her. He gets angry when I get upset that he contacts her. She lives nearby and he could be seeing her often for all I know... I can't spy on him...

If she can be a friend to us, it's ok, his ex just before me and he are friends and she and I get along great, we are cool, but this one is not right... she does not want anything to do with me and that to me says she still has feelings for my husband... So why can't he stop seeing her if it is killing me?? What do I have to do to stop this? Is divorce the only answer? Why won't he stop? Or do I have to just get over it and let them be friends??? Am I wrong to feel like this? He said he will still see her and he will not tell me when he does because they are only friends and it's nothing to get upset about. What does he think I am??? I am so mad, help me!!


Edited 4/9/2004 7:23 pm ET ET by erinton

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 7:40pm
I was reading this with my husband. We have different views.

My husband feels that it would be best if you spied on him. Watch what he is doing. Before you go so far as getting a divorce over what may be a harmless friendship and regreting your action find out for sure what is going on. if maybe you have a friend that your husband wouldnt recognize as well as a car se if they will help you out.

It seems to me, that he has been sneaking around and lying about something for at least 4 years. If it was just a friendship then it would be treated the same way as his other friendships are. Does he sneak and lie about other friends. If so are any of them guys?

He either has something to hide or why would he act that way. You are very strong for putting up with this for this long. I dont think i would be able too. I would have already found out what it is that hes hiding because if there are these types of secrets and actions within a relationship then it isnt a good or strong relationship. You have offered compramises and such. And it doesnt seem to matter to them how much you are and have been hurting over this.

We also have a question. Do you all have children?

If so that may have alot to do with this. Often if you have children and this is going on alot of times it is because he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you but he feels obligated because you are the mother of his children. I have known a few couples like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: erinton
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 3:39pm
::This was his love of his life and he claims they are friends

so what does that make you chopped liver? How sad for you.

Personally, if they were "just friends" 1) he wouldn't lie to you, 2) he wouldn't hide things from you, 3) she would want to meet you (because you are a big part of his life, like his wife.

This doesn't look good. Consider marriage counseling. Let a counselor tell him how his behavior undermines his marriage. Or get Dr Laura's book 10 Things Couples Do to Mess up Their Relationship.

Sounds like you've talked about guidelines - you request to be informed, in the loop (and no woman would like their guy/mate/husband giving other women gifts ) and he's unable to fulfill your request. Not a good sign.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 7:25pm
My heart absolutely goes out to you right now- I am in a similar situation. It is so hard to understand why a man needs certain things. What is he like? What is his motivation? Have you caught him in lies before? It is a huge red flag that he lies to you to be with her. Now it is possible that he has some reson in his head for lying to you (He's afraid you will throw a fit, he has feelings for her, she is threatened by you, it could be a thousand different things) but that DOESN'T make it okay. Lying to you undermines trust. And trust has to be there, because if it's not, things like jealousy, insecurity, and distrust are in a thriving environment. And regardless if his platonic or romantic feelings for her, you are the number one woman in his life, and he needs to treat you that way.

Divorce is not always the only option. Is he willing to talk to you about this? If you sat him down to talk, would he be willing to explain his feelings for her? Also, if their interactions are inappropriate - say, in her place alone, or if there's alcohol involved- then things are definitely going to come to a head. Is counseling an option? These situations are so complicated- overwhelming, and painful. But there are ways out that don't involve just being over- hang in there and know you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:31am
Oh dear, welcome to the club! I am in a similar situation except my situation seems to be in the beginning stage... So I haven't really found him lying to me yet.. but that doesn't mean he hasn't. He is a very good "talker" if you know what I mean. He has quite a few ex-girlfriends and I am the one he is engaged to. Sometimes he still contacts his ex-GFs or other female friends. To me, some of his conversations or emails to his ex-gf/other female friends would seem "crossing the line". To him, it's not, but it is to me. Whenever he goes out with his friends, I would stay home and check out his laptop to see any emails. When he is in a shower, I would check out his phone text messages. But a warning to you, it's not a fun game to play. The rule is you must try to hold your anger on whatever you find. Keep a journal and make notes. Once you have a big amount of proof, then you confront it with him. If you confront it with him whenever you find something, he will be careful not to leave any trailers for you to find in the futuer. He might be deleting stuff..and you won't be able to find anything. Email me if you need to know more: gini4709_taurus@yahoo.com (my name is Grace). :-) Talk to you later!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 11:18am
Thank you for your reply. We have no children, he is very busy at work and really is at the office for 12 hrs a day, we spend weekends together and we are very social, and all of our friends are mutual friends except for this ex. I told a couple of mutual friends and they are just as confused because he is loving and we look so happy... it's just the times that I find out he is hiding stuff that we get into fights. But these fights have no conclusion, because he said he is not cheating, and he will continue the way he does things even though he knows it bothers me, and tells me to stop thinking of him that way, like he is cheating because he is not. He doesn't know that I have consulted our couple of friends and he would be very hurt if he found out I was talking to our friends about this, but at this point I have no choice to but to ask for help and advice. We even went to a couple of counselors and they said the same thing... BE OPEN don't hide things from your wife, marriage is built on TRUST and if that breaks, then you can not be married, it is abusive and I don't have to take that kind of abuse. Of course he says he will stop it and be open and say he understands to the counselors, but then when we get home, he is not open, he is still the same so he is not even being truthful to the counselors, so why spend 150 bucks an hour if he isn't going to DO what he is saying... it doesn't help me at all. I am confused at the way he acts like the best husband on earth, then hides his things with this ex and hurts me. Very confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 11:22am
Thank you so much, I will but the book today!! We saw a couple of couselors and he didn't DO what he said he would... he said he would tell me if she contacted him and reassure I was OK, well, he isn't and he doesn't take orders from me or the counselors so I don't know what to do. I will have him read the book too. Thank you again for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 11:30am
I am so glad I am not alone... thank you for your reply. I have had so many serious talks with including going to couseling with him it is getting old... the first time he was sorry but defended himself, second time he was no longer sorry and defended himself, now he just says, he will keep doing this, and I need to trust him on this, he's not cheating and she is a friend who is sometimes in need... in need of WHAT? and what about MY needs?? So we get into fights and I cry and he will be silent for a while. Then after a while he is normal again and I am confused out of my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 12:43pm
I hear you....thing is, most people will say and do anything to keep their life the way it is (the way they want it). Read that, they will say and do anything (defend, lie, hide) to justify their decisions, actions, choices and behaviors.

It may come down to - living with it or leaving him over it, especially since he's unable to follow through with any compromises.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 1:22pm
Thank you and oh please don't get married feeling this way! That's not healthy. I have confronted my husband because I had enough proof, enough that we where soooo close to divorce, actually separated for a bit. Then we went to counseling and I trusted him for another 2 years and we were happy for a while again. But just the other day I was not snooping but came across an email that was to her and poof! We are back to where we were again. Although this email I found was nothing to what I had found before, it was harmless, but it still told me he was contacting her and not telling me he when he promised before that he would keep me informed. So that's why I am asking for help from this board. It's so easy for all this trust and happiness to come crashing down on me because we went through this before and I am so sick of it. But besides this problem, we have no problems, we are happy in every other way that it is very hard to just say, "OK, lets divorce because I can't take this one problem!" My husband also had lunches and emailed past girlfriends besides this ex and that was very painful too, and he stopped that. At least he includes me with anything with the other past girl friends and I see them at gatherings, run ito them in town, etc... and I am fine with that. If he just stopped hiding things with this one ex, I would really be happy. That's what is confusing, why he hides stuff with this one ex and he thinks it is OK. It's NOT OK. But what do you do when he says he is not going to stop and I need to trust him... that is not right. Why should I trust anything he needs to hide? How stupid is that? I hope you get to a point where you don't have to feel like this, where you can trust him and feel confortable. Then you can marry him, you should not marry him the way you are now. I caught my husband and busted him too many times... at least 4 times... you're right I should keep a journal. Thanks Grace for feeling my pain :) Good luck
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 5:59pm
What reason does he give you for you not being able to meet her? I had 2 exes (ok, so I'm a slow learner) refuse to let me meet an ex. Both said that they were "just friends" but that it would hurt the woman for her to see him with someone else. Pretty stupid, huh? Turns out they were both cheating. I'm not saying your husband is cheating, but I am saying keep your eyes open. I hate to condone sneaking and spying, but I might just be tempted.

You say everything is great except for this one thing. To me, it's not one little thing. He's lying to you (who knows what else he could be lying about?) and sneaking around with a woman (even if it's only via e-mail) who he won't let you meet. I might be compelled to lay it on the line. Either let me meet her, or I'm leaving, period. The not letting you meet her speaks volumes to me.

Has he ever cheated before? Or have they always been 'just friends' since they broke up?

Best of luck to you.

Pages