ex-GF and husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
ex-GF and husband
12
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 7:03pm
My husband has a freindship of 15 years with his ex. We have been married 4 yrs and all this time I have cried many times because I find he is giving her gifts "as a friend" and contacting her without telling me. I told him to let me know if she contacts him so I don't get all suspicious. I get hurt when I see his emails to her, even if they are a couple times a year. Am I overreacting? This was his love of his life and he claims they are friends, but she cannot meet me, she doesn't want to and will never be a friend to me or anyone of our friends/family. So I just assume he has no feeling for her and vice versa, but it bothers me, he lies to me when he needs to see her. He gets angry when I get upset that he contacts her. She lives nearby and he could be seeing her often for all I know... I can't spy on him...

If she can be a friend to us, it's ok, his ex just before me and he are friends and she and I get along great, we are cool, but this one is not right... she does not want anything to do with me and that to me says she still has feelings for my husband... So why can't he stop seeing her if it is killing me?? What do I have to do to stop this? Is divorce the only answer? Why won't he stop? Or do I have to just get over it and let them be friends??? Am I wrong to feel like this? He said he will still see her and he will not tell me when he does because they are only friends and it's nothing to get upset about. What does he think I am??? I am so mad, help me!!


Edited 4/9/2004 7:23 pm ET ET by erinton

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:39pm
Hello again, don't worry about me. :-) I guess I behave that way because he is my first boyfriend, and he has quite a few "ex's". And that's why sometimes I feel insecure. :-)

Good luck with you. Yeah...a journal is a good idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
In reply to: erinton
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:47pm
You are so right, and he is so wrong, I know. So help me. I know right after he and I got married she started instant messaging him, she was probably totally jealous, and she flirted and tried to get his attention, and he was not strong enough to tell her to knock it off, and that was our first huge fight. He did defend me when she wrote bad things about me, but he didn't tell her to go away. Then he started getting attracted to her attention, and he did meet her and had dinner with her and lied and said he went to see his guy friend, and another time he said he was going to work on a SUNDAY and I went by the office and he wasn't there, so I confronted him and he told me he was with her because she needed his help. It was an emergency, FAMILY MATTERS...yeah whatever! He lied and that is wrong no matter what the reason was, cheating or not. I was about to die myself...he doesn't think that that was a big deal... oh yeah that was a big deal to me.

She was also married for a while, she started contacting my husband as she became unhappy and was going through divorce and was wanting to DIE... ok, well then tell me right??

Why hide this? I don't know. All I see is, she is getting divorced, she wants him back...

am I wrong to feel this way?? Anyway, he and I had a time out and we separated for a little bit after that and I was ready to divorce him, but went to counseling and "fixed" it for the time... he said he wasn't going to contact her and let me know if she did. Then she emailed him again and he tells me he was going to stay friends with her because he has no feelings for her and it was ok. Well that was not ok with me and we fought again. He said he never would go back to her, that was crazy for me to think he would want to. Well, he's crazy to think that this is ok. How about the ex's feelings too?? She obviously is not wanting to meet me because she still has feelings for him, then cut her off for her sake too! Don't let her hang as "friends" and have her be all dependent on him and needy... that's just wrong. I told him if I can't meet her, he can't be contacting her already, that was clear years ago. So now what? He says I have to trust him... and how the hec do you trust a man who had already lied to you??? I don't get it.

Thank you and everyone who has givien me support! At least I know I am not the crazy one...

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