Ex GF too prominent in our relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Ex GF too prominent in our relationship
7
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:42pm
I've been with my BF for almost 11 months now, and everything has been fine - EXCEPT for the fact that his ex gf is still around (they broke up around 3-4 years ago). The main reason why she's still around is because he met her through friends, and they currently have mutual friends. From time to time when we go out, she'll be there at dinner, at a club, at a bar, etc.

She's not an evil/psycho ex (atleast I haven't seen any signs YET, although her friends have told me she's a bit crazy), but she does things that I think are over the line. There are small things that bother me, like her using my boyfriend as her shipping address and sending all of her online purchases to his house, her borrowing my boyfriend's mom's pots (long after they had broken up), and her calling on the weekends just to ask him what he's doing. Initially, these things bothered me but I didn't want to overreact. But this past weekend, things got weird.

We went out to a birthday dinner/club, and she was there. She was trying really hard to be nice to me - asking how I was, whether I was done with school, even sticking the tag of my shirt back in for me when it stuck out - twice. This made me think that she wasn't so bad. BUT - later that night, she started calling my boyfriend by the pet name SHE used to call him when THEY were in a relationship. All throughout the night, it was "BB this", and "BB that", right in front of me!!! I found this to be rude and disrespectful to me as the current girlfriend. Her ride left her so she had to bum a ride home with us (even though her roommate was at the club too), and the whole time there was more calling my boyfriend "BB". After we dropped her off, I asked my boyfriend if "BB" was what she called him during their relationship, and all he said was, "That was a long time ago".

I don't think my discomfort with the whole situation stems from insecurity. I just don't like having the past stare me in the face all the time. I think I would be ok with her if she was a "friend" if she wasn't still so unneccessarily involved in my boyfriend's life. I've talked to my boyfriend about this, and he always says either "It was a long time ago" or "you have nothing to worry about". I asked him to tell her to change her shipping address, but he says he's just "helping her". I find it a bit unneccessary that she uses his address, given that her parents live within a couple blocks of her rented apartment.

So what I would like to hear your opinion on is am I overreacting, or is her behavior somewhat suspect? Should I talk to her and let her know that I don't appreciate some of her behaviors, since my boyfriend doesn't seem to be taking my feeings seriously?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 6:27pm
To be completely honest with you, if I were in your situation there would have been a big problem when she started to call him by the pet name. I don't think it has anything to do with insecurity at all, she is definately disrespecting you and so is your boyfriend for letting her behave in such a manner. Something is suspect and you need to find out what it is and your boyfriend needs to tell her to re-route her stuff. If he won't do it then he is not worth keeping.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:37pm
'It was a long time ago' is not a good response when she is currently in his life. Using his house as her shipping address is inappropruiate as is calling him by his pet name. They should both respect you enough to be civil and friendly to each other but not overstep the boundaries. Have a serious talk with your boyfriend. If he won't let go of her then you have to decide if you can live like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:54pm
i would not like that at all! infact. it really pisses me off. your bf must not have respect for u if he is still letting her mail come to his house, he needs to himself in ur shoes, what if u had an x using your mailbox. i think this girl is still interested in him and doesnt want him missing out of her life so she is doing this by not letting him live his. i would say you are not over reacting. i have been in your shoes before, it didnt work between us, becuase i wasnt about to take that crap,, i did for a while, but not for long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:12pm
I actually found out later that she might have been somewhat drunk when we took her home that night and that made me re-evaluate my opinion of that night's events, but still... when you're drunk you still know what you're doing, right? She can't use the drunk excuse for the sending of all of her packages to my bf's house, borrowing his mom's pots, etc.

I talked to a few of my male friends, and they suggested that she might be trying to situate herself to sabotage the relationship, or she wants to regain attention in his life by finding excuses to spend time or come into contact with him. I find this a bit too cynical, but you never know..


Edited 8/10/2004 11:15 pm ET ET by est1982

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:24pm
It doesn't matter what she thinks or does. What matters is your boyfriend's reaction to it. He is letting it happen. You need to have a seriou talk with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 1:22pm
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and respond to my posting - I really appreciate your advice and imput! I had a talk with the boyfriend last night and I think he understands where I am coming from now. He's going to talk to the ex soon and hopefully she'll comply with what the changes I want. If not... some sh*t is going to go down! Wish me luck! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:30am
I don't think you're over reacting at all. Read the post I posted today. My story is MUCH longer too. I personally don't see any point in having exes around and if it upsets you it's like he's saying it's more important to help her out than it is to consider your feelings. My fiance's ex was the person who chased him like a madwoman while he was married before. I don't think it's wrong for me to be upset that she's still around and I don't think you're wrong for not wanting your bf to still be involved and doing favors for his ex. It was very disrespectful of her to call him her pet name in front of you but also disrespectful of him to not make her stop it. I can only imagine that they get something out of having them around, who knows what it is but we only do things that work for us right?