Ex GF Trying to get along

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Ex GF Trying to get along
3
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:54pm
Hello guys..youve helped me before so Im posting for further help. Thanks so much for reading.

My ex GF of 4 years and I broke up last July. We were a great relationship at one time but simply we are way to young to be ain a serious relationship. (both 21) We were together ever since we were 16 and pretty much the ONLY serious relationship in our lives. She wanted to break up with me in order to make sure she loved me and to experience other people and relationships. At first I didnt agree but now I know it was much needed for both of us.

Since then we both have seeing people but we still both admit we miss and love each other. The problem is getting along. We point fingers...we fight..we bring up old things and its tiring. Its now to the point where Im sp frustrated over this as we fight on the internet about stupid things.

When I finally calm down and chill out I try to do the smartest things and say "Ok..lets calm down...chill out...forget old things...and try to get along." Even though she knows thats the smartest thing to do she does a thing to pay me back (in my mind) by avoiding me and not allowing me to see her. Literally we would sit for hours of me trying to get her to come over and eventually I blow up..say things i dont mean..and shun her. Ive done things like ignore her for days...tried to just say OK...right...OK..agreeing with wahtever she says to try and get along and give her her way. I want to see her and get along..We both want this to possibly fix things but we are just so unaware of how. I feel like im fueling the fire with whatever I do and nothing feels right.

We both admit we dont want other people and that we think about each other and love each other...etc etc. I would just like to know the healthiest..smartest way of handling this situation for the both of us. I feel like im waiting on something that will never happen with her. It bothers me so much that shes so insecure..andjealous..etc. Any words would be much appreciated. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:06pm


I couldn't tell fom your post whether you agreed to date and be exclusive or not.

Have you thought about couples counseling to learn how to communicate?

Maybe it is time to admit that you can love each other but know that you can't be together

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:19pm
Counseling, counseling, counseling - both of you can learn effective communication skills, deal with the old issues and heal the resentment and *score keeping* she seems to be doing.

Print this out and share it with her:


Ten Rules for Fighting Fair

It's great if both partners will follow the rules, but these really help even if you're the only one following them. It's amazing how just one partner doing this can de-escalate things in a marriage.

(1)Discuss only one thing at a time. No dragging in other issues, events or people – that’s certain to escalate the discussion into an argument.

(2)No hitting below the belt. Declare certain topics, historical events or comments “off limits” because they’re sure to cause pain or start a fight. Then LEAVE THEM ALONE. Agree to discuss those issues, if necessary, only for a specific purpose and under safe conditions, such as in the presence of a third party.

(3)Only one person at a time gets to talk. The other gets to listen – not debate, defend their position, or counter-attack. Then take turns. MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S VIEWPOINT before you talk about your own.

(4)Take a time-out, with a guaranteed time-in. When you feel things escalating, take an immediate time-out and try again in a half hour. If you can’t do that, you must commit to talking about the issue later, at a specified time. The purpose of the time-out is to stop the escalation, not the discussion! If you call a time-out, you MUST call a time-in. If your partner calls a time-out, leave him/her alone – don’t follow your partner around trying to continue the discussion.

(5)No character assassination. Talk about specific behaviors, not your partner’s personality. “I’d like you to pick up your clothes” is appropriate; “You’re a slob” is character assassination.

(6)No “mind reading.” Don’t jump to conclusions about what you THINK is meant by what is being said or done. Stick to what is actually said or done. The responsibility for revealing meanings and motivations belongs only to the person who has them.

(7)Don’t try to re-create history. Too many people argue over historical details – exact words, who did what first, in what time frame, etc. – instead of identifying actual problems and solutions. Stick to real issues you can do something about NOW, and stop fighting about whose memory is more accurate.

(8)Take responsibility for your own feelings, desires, needs and behaviors. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements, as in “I want you to…” instead of “You should…” “I’m angry that you were late” is talking about your feelings; “You’re always late” is blaming.

(9)Look for resolution, not agreement. Partners don’t have to agree on things, arrive at the same conclusions, or see things the same way; this is not only impossible, it’s boring! Individuals are allowed to have their own opinions, interpretations, feelings and thoughts about things. Trying to win a “Tastes great! Less filling!” argument is fruitless and unfair.

(10)KEEP THE RULES EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER DOESN'T. Your partner fighting dirty doesn’t give you permission to do the same! Fighting dirty is a character issue – don’t compromise yours.



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:44pm
Wow itwinflame, that was great info. I'm going to have to print this out myself. Thanks so much for posting it!