Ex has Hard time Believing I am Changing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Ex has Hard time Believing I am Changing
2
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 12:58am

My ex and I are friends, great friends. We know we connect on a great level and are in love, but we have had some relationship problems (most being me) that have led us not to date. Her main issue is that she is not sure if she can ever take the risk again to get hurt like she has by me. She already had confidence issues, but my problem always lied in the fact that I did not know how to show her love very well or appreciate her. I have since read the love languages and applying what i learned, learning to control my anger, and ego and I am making sure I tell her something genuine everyday that I notice or appreciate. The problem is, she tells me that she doesn't think it's me. She doesn't know what to think. She also says she just wants to have fun with me for once and not worry about relationship stuff. She is just waiting to evaluate if this change is consistent (we talked about if this is going to stick). I mean we don't cuddle, but we hold hands and such (taking it extremely slow) so it's not like she doesn't care at all. So, what can I do to help her trust that I am changing and am going to be different? I know the obvious answer is to keep up with it, but I mean I was the man of her dreams for the first couple of months and then I got comfortable and I think she worries that once we are "official" again things will return to the way they were. What can I do to help? I just want to do everything possible to win her trust again. I can't imagine being happy without her and would love to marry her, but you know.

Please help iVillage! I will do everything I can to prove that I am realizing that I took her for granted and I am changing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 1:07am

Welcome to the board guyinlove,


Have you loaned her the book?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 9:52am

"She is just waiting to evaluate if this change is consistent "
This girl is extremely smart. She has the right idea, and I don't think you should go out of your way to change her mind or speed up the process because SHE IS RIGHT. It's going to take time, and in order to avoid being hurt again she needs to be a lot more cautious about you before jumping back in.

How can you prove this to her? Time. Nothing else. Flowers, love poems, late night conversations don't create trust. Time does. If this girl is worth it then you'll be able to keep up these lessons you've learned for the rest of your life. Maybe she'll come back and maybe she won't, perhaps by the time you've finished your self-project you'll both be over one another. Either way this work you're doing will pay off. I hope she comes to see the "new you" (I also hope that it's a permanent change for you).