Ex-husband not over it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Ex-husband not over it
6
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 12:08am
My ex and I happen to work for the same company. Company outdoor family events often fall on a day when he has our son, 'cause he has him on the weekend. So, he tells me he will deprive our son of a very good time at a baseball game, cookout, waterpark, whatever - if I show up at the event. This irks me b/c 1. I got him that job, 2. He's using our son to control my actions, 3. He's still very jealous (oh yes it was worse when we were married) and thinks that I will show up with a date just to rub his face in our divorce. Just for grins, I called and asked if he was taking our son to the annual picnic and baseball game. He said only if I wasn't going and when I asked him why he started blubbering that he wasn't over it. I said over what? He said the divorce. Holy cow! Can anyone identify, here? Between him and my idiot b/f (see previous posts in this board), I think I need a hiatus from men. BTW, set a boundary w/the b/f (asked him not to make fun of me) and he freaked out and left my house. Good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 11:56am
::I think I need a hiatus from men

I agree with you. Sad that you ex 1) isn't over the divore, 2) that he would use his child as a pawn (though it happens all the time).

What are you going to do?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:07pm
"So, he tells me he will deprive our son of a very good time at a baseball game, cookout, waterpark, whatever - if I show up at the event". So, if I'm reading this right, he will not take your son to an event that you are attending? He's willing to deprive the child and wants you to take the blame? No wonder you divorced this guy.

I think your ex is being very childish and I would not go along with it. I do not think it is any of his business what you do with your time and it is none of your business what he does with his. Don't tell him whether you are going or not. If you choose to go, bring a friend if you want to. Unless there is a restraining order, you are both free to attend any function you'd like. What about school events? Do you both go?

My stbx told me he'd be very uncomfortable if my bf came to watch the boys' in their school play so, when the boys asked bf to come, he told them he was sorry but, he couldn't. As soon as the play ended I went to the restroom and through the window I saw stbx just pulling into the parking lot. He missed the whole thing!(and lied about it to the boys) My bf, trying to be understanding of my stbx's feelings, missed the whole thing. I told stbx that bf would not be excluded on his request again so he'd better get used to seeing him at these type of events from now on. Now, stbx rarely shows up for anything and the boys don't seem to miss him. Bf is always there for them when they ask.

Your X doesn't have to like it but, he does need to get used to it at some point, for your son's sake. You may have to be the one to force his evolution.

BTW-Way to go with the bf.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:57pm
The only thing I can think of doing is just not going, so that my son can enjoy a baseball game. I would rather he had fun and was oblivious to this, although one day he'll realize how dear old dad was using him! It's already too late for me to sign up anyway - the 21st was the last day. The CEO is working on getting me box seats for another day b/c the company has season tix, so my son and I can go. Also, if I did show up, even alone, I know exactly what my x would do (after 9 yrs you get familiar w/patterns of codependency) My x would make a huge scene and make it a point to confront me in front of others. He would be very stern and uppity, angry and teary. He would try to make me feel as bad as possible. He would say something like "You promised me that you would not come and you broke that promise, what a horrible thing to do to your son, blah, blah, blah." Then he would offer an ultimatum that either he could leave with my son or I would have to leave and there would be no way to compromise. That would be emotionally hard on my son and it would also be stress that I don't want to deal with. He is an emotional retard and he's doing this more than usual b/c he heard I was in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 3:13pm
That's right, he won't take him to an event that I am attending, or his best friend's b-day party. Yes, he was way more manipulative during our marriage, and more creatively so before there was a son he could use as leverage. See my previous reply for my reasoning in going on another night. It works out well in this instance as a double-whammy of fun for my son even though my ex is a depressive stick in the mud and not much fun but he's still his dad, so whatever. We both attended my son's pre-Kindergarten graduation and he tried to get me to take a series of pictures with him and my son, i. e. family pictures saying that my son would really appreciate it. It was really weird. I posed for one (in which my son turned his back on his dad and hugged my neck!) and then ran for safety :).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:09am

hey queen mary.... i have read some of your other posts and messages. your life is not so easy right now,but i think you are doing some things to sabotage your own life.


you say that your ex is not over it yet. you say that he is manipulating you. you say that that is the way he is. and yet - you are playing games with him <<Just for grins, I called and asked if he was taking our son to the annual picnic and baseball game>> and you are allowing him to control your life.


and before you get all puffy, and tell me that i don't know what i am talking about, let me assure you that i DO. my STBX is the master of all manipulators, the very inventor of the term "manipulator", so yes, i do know what I am talking about. what you NEED to do - is simply STOP. he can't manipulate you - if you won't allow him to. he can't control you - if you won't let him control you. easy??? not at all. but DEFINATELY doable. only problem is that *YOU* need to let go. stop calling him, stop baiting him, stop answering him, stop stop stop. he can't control or manipulate someone who is not there or who won't respond. trust me - its the only way.


soooo - if HE chooses to deprive your son of a good time - that is HIS choice, and HIS responsibility and YOU cannot control that.


if HE chooses to make a scene at your workplace - again, that is HIS choice and HIS responsibility and YOU cannot control that either.


*IF* both of you were able to act like adults, and decide, lets say, that since its difficult for both of you to be at the same place at the same time - then you will each attend HALF of the company outings and make sure that you won't be attend the same outings. that is a workable compromise and this way, your son will be at ALL the fun stuff, and you and EX won't have to see each other. but ---- it will take a lot of work for BOTH of you to reach that point.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:54am
I know exactly the type of idiot-boy you are describing because, for over two years, I've been trying to divorce one of the same species.

At some point you *must* separate yourself completely from him. You need to take 'his reaction' out of the things you weight and base your decisions on. Stop trying to plan things with him. These type of guys will use every opportunity to control us whether we are still with them or not.

In your marriage, I'm sure you ran interferance so your son would not be hurt by him and his manipulative ways. You are still trying to do that and it is NOT your responsibility anymore! It was a hard habit for me to break too but, you will never be truly free of him until *you* cut yourself off from him in your mind. If your X acts in an immature or manipulative way, and your son gets hurt or is disappointed, it is your X that did it, not you. Trust me when I tell you that your son will see who is right and who is wrong regardless of what your H may tell him. I think children see the actions beyond the words better than adults do.

I made a lot of excuses in the beginning (even went as far as lying to my boys to cover for stbx) thinking I was protecting them from the pain brought on by stbx's choices. In the end, the best way I've protected them is to let them see their father for exactly who he is and help them learn to deal with it. I can't tell you the number of tears I've dried because stbx let them down or hurt them. When the boys get mad at one another I often hear one of them say, "Stop acting like Dad!" They think he should go to their school for the 'anti-bullying' program.

It's not easy but you have got to just focus on *your* relationship with your son. He will have his own relationship with his father that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's up to them what kind of a relationship that is.

It's time to totally detach. It's the only way. I went to counseling to help me. I only communicate via email. Everything is written down and it's easy to see the attempts at manipulation, guilt triping, etc. If I'm upset by stbx's email, I do not respond until I've calmed down and then I only respond to the facts of events and visitation times and keep all emotions out of it.

It's time to shift the paradym in your mind from "victim of X's abuse and dysfunction" to "single Mom to wonderful son" As you know, he will *never* stop trying to manipulate you. Only you can take his manipulation out of your life.

Keep looking up^, Susan.