The ex is still on both our minds

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Registered: 03-29-2000
The ex is still on both our minds
5
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:44pm
I've been dating my SO for 3 months now, I'm in the process of moving in with him, we have a pretty great relationship, I think we're a good match and I love him to pieces, I know he loves me as well... but of course there is a catch. From the get go his ex harassed us, she even came up to me on a couple of occasions and told me she was still in love with him, she needed him as a part of her life, even that he was still seeing her when he started dating me. Which is a lie. However he was still "hanging out" with her after the fact, up till I came in the picture. So minus her hanging around the neighborhood (he finally called the cops and she got a warning to stop calling and coming over) she's fairly out of the picture. However I am still angry and feel somewhat threatened. they were together for 3 yrs, shared a bank account, she was on his mortgage... it was serious. Which wouldn't bother me so much if she wasn't still lingering. And that we always talk about her, partly my fault, partly his. Last week he mentioned something about how someone told him she'd lost weight, and then somewhere in there he talked something about what a great sex life they had had at first... And of course right now I'm just not in the mood (can't imagine whY!?) I love him, I do want it to work but I don't even feel like I trust him and I don't know why. I don't want her to control us but at the same time, when he talks about going places just to make her uncomfortable and jealous... well. Makes me feel uncomfortable and jealous. Most of my paranoia comes from those intial setbacks but now what do I do?

BFP: April 4th 2010

Natural M/C: April 17th 2010 @ 6wks 5 days

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 2:18pm

Welcome to the board dixibella,


I see red flags. Please do not move in with him right now. Him wanting to go places just to make her uncomfortable and jealous shows that he clearly is not over her yet. Do not move in with together at this time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 2:42pm

Welcome to the board dixibella,


How long have they been broken up?

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Registered: 03-29-2000
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 3:05pm
They broke up around Xmas time, he found out she cheated on him, although it had been building for a while and he is pretty sure it had been going on for a while. So he and I got together mid-march, so 3 1/2 months they had been split up but he didn't want to "be a jerk" so he still hung out with her (I completely disagree about that...) Thing is we've known eachother for 2 years and we are great together. He was really angry that she sought me out while he was away on business and that was when he called the cops. But now she keeps her horse down the road from us and is always riding by, and there isn't anything we can do so its uncomfortable for us to even be at home in the yard working when she's always around so he sees it as his right to go to the places he used to go and if it makes her uncomfortable, oh well. Unfortunately it makes me uncomfortable, so he doesn't go because he doesnt' want to jeopardize us, but he is still bitter about the whole ordeal. I don't blame him because who isn't bitter and angry when soemone cheats on them, so that part I understand. I just wish we didn't always talk about her. I told him and he seems willing to try but it seems to have put a damper on things. I don't want him to not talk about things that bother him but... I wish it didn't bug him so much. How much is "real" and how much is just jealousy. He is trustworthy, I don't doubt that. But I don't trust her and I just wish she'd go away.

BFP: April 4th 2010

Natural M/C: April 17th 2010 @ 6wks 5 days

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 3:09pm
Sorry, my opinion is that he's not healed enough to be with anyone.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 3:52pm

Yep, I agree with the last poster. If he's still bitter, then he's not moved on from this yet. Of course, no one blames him for being bitter after having been cheated on, but unfortunately, he isn't healed yet. And if he's still carrying that baggage around, which he clearly is, he's not ready for another relationship yet.

I would NOT move in with him yet. 3 months is far too soon anyway. You've known him for 2 years, but you have NOT known what he's like as a romantic partner to you. What's the hurry? Why not wait a few more months to take that step and let the relationship develop, if you intend to stay in it?

Although my bottom line advice would be to back off completely for awhile until he deals with what he needs to deal with.