ex-wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
ex-wife
3
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:29am
I have been dating this wonderful guy now for 4 months. Probably one of my longest relationships and I'm 24. He's great and makes me feel wonderful, except for one thing. His soon to be ex-wife. She cheated on him, and since it wasn't a great relationship anyways he left her. I should also say they got married when he was 21 and she 19 because she got pregnant. They had broken up, but then she found out she was pregnant she they got back together and got married

Two months ago, she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted him back. He said he needed time to figure stuff out but didn't want to lose me. He said he saw a future with me and wanted to know if I felt the same way. There was never a break in the relationship between us and things have been good ever since. But today I was having a bad day. I needed him. I had a whole evening planned for after his son went to sleep. Then she called, saying she quit her job and needed to talk. He asked me if I could go home.

He acts like it kills him to see me so upset, but why does he still feel he has to be there for her. I'm not the persistant bitch that she is. She will call and call until he agrees to see her. He won't turn his phone off though, cause his Dad is sick and he worries his mom won't be able to reach him. I don't want the relationship to end but I don't know what to make of his ex-wife or my role. Help!


Edited 8/2/2004 6:10 pm ET ET by geode97

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: geode97
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 10:08am
He's not divorced yet. That's the problem. People need LOTS of time to recover from a divorce, even if they've been separated for quite some time. Your bf is living proof of this. He's not got his head on straight right now and he's expecting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you to wait until he gets stuff figured out while he goes and answers to his wife's every whim. This is not fair to you. Right now, you are the rebound. His feelings are real, but they're based on his unhealthy desire to be desired, after he was so betrayed by his wife.

I HIGHLY recommend you give him the space he needs. Tell him to concentrate on his divorce and concentrate on regaining his emotional health. In the meantime, go out and see others. Or just see your friends, family, anyone but him. Then, if you're still around when he's ready, great! If you're not, well, you're probably better off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: geode97
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:55pm
Some of this will be hard to hear - my apologies

Interesting book you might want to read, should you decide to stick it out with him -

How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind by Robyn Todd

He's still married. He's still emotionally tied to her, hence he sees her when she demands it. He hasn't healed from his pending divorce. You maybe a rebound or transitional relationship for him to help him heal. He hasn't set any boundaries with her to let her know it's really over. And whatever his reason, bottom line - the stbx's (soon to be ex) feelings matter more to him than 1) his own feelings and 2) more than yours.

It could take him a long time to heal and if you stay you will be in for a lot of heartache.


Edited 7/31/2004 1:01 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: geode97
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 1:25pm
O.k. being technically married to someone doesn't necessarily mean they are still tied to them emotionally but in this case he is. I am sure that her personality hasn't changed since they met. She was probably always demanding and he married her anyway so her constant calling isn't going to turn him off. He loved her and she cheated. Now he is hearing what he wanted to hear in the first place (no matter how serious she is) so he is mulling it over.

The other issue is his child. He is probably thinking about what is best for the child and wondering if another try with her is the right thing to do. Of course he and his ex should have thought about not dating at all so soon after the divorce for this child's sake.

This is mess. So what can you do? What are your options? Do you want to continue to live this way?