Ex-wife still in control of everything
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Ex-wife still in control of everything
| Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:42am |
My boyfriend who has non-legal 6 month custody of his 7 & 8 year olds and has his ex's 19 year old daughter living with him, is the love of my life. When we started our relationship I knew there would be problems. His ex, who lives 7 1/2 hours away still calls every day, sometimes up to 9 times, depending on how much she has upset the children by the terrible things she says, and then feels bad. She interrupts every routine, and they seem to cater to her selfish boredom, by stopping everything they do to talk to her about nothing (some of that I'm sure is about the feeling used,step-mother)When I talk to my boyfriend about it, he says he "puts up" with it, because of the kids.I have also had to deal with her, because I want the children to believe "I like their mother"... Children are loyal....It's hard to deal with as she acts like a real "Bitch".
I can walk away, but I love all of them. How do I deal with the "Meddling ex?"
I can walk away, but I love all of them. How do I deal with the "Meddling ex?"

The 19 yr old is old enough to deal with her mother herself. Your bf would benefit his kids a lot more if he would take a parenting class, set boundaries with his ex, and stand up for himself. This woman, their mother, his ex, is making everyone reponsbile for her emotional well-being (or lack of it) if they all learned to set boundaries (through counseling) just maybe she would back off.... they can't change how she behaves but they can learn new ways of coping with it, new things to say that set a boundary, 'hey, mom, I'm in the middle of homework, dinner whatever, can I call you back in an hour/2 hours/tomorrow (then don't answer the phone for the rest of the evening). She's pulling string in his house, with the kids, because she can, because he allows it.
Until he wants to change the situation, or see that there needs to be a change, things will remain the same.
My best to you.
Carrie
Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.
My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.
Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.
Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.
Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.
In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?
If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?
What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.
The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?
Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!
This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.
Carrie
It's like this....the guy has custody of his kids without legal paperwork because he's too lazy and too irresponsible to get full custody requirements and have set visitation and limitations on her. He likes a loose-ended arrangement because that means if he ever wants - he can dump the kids back on he becuase he has no "legal custody" and she does. And he likes hte benefits of everybody thinking he's being such a good and noble guy by putting up with all this "for the sake of his kids".
Let's get you clued in.....good, responsible, loving parents do what is "right" by their kids in order for them to become complete, seccure, self-sufficient, self-aware and self-responsible, successful, mature adults. The goal of parenting is NOT to create obedient, polite "kids"...so that you have very little trouble out of them. The goal of parenting is to create a mature, secure, successful, complete adult so that when they come of age, and define their values, set their goals, and achieve them - you admire and respect them as an equal to yourself as an adult. to produce that kind of adult - you provide a very safe, secure household and lifestyle where honest communication is sought on his part with them, and where they're free to "dream of a future" - instead of "surviving in the present". That kind of parenting takes discipline, it is going to mean lots of sacrifice, effort, work, expenditure, and time on his part - with, to, for, about, towards, becuase of them - all their childhood and adolescent lives.
If that "great adult life by their own definnitions, efforts, means, and standards" is what he prioritized for them- he'd NEVER do what he's doing. He's got a loose ended arrangement that leaves the kids subject to change and upheaval without notification or time for adjustments. This whole situation doesn't have them perceiving that they're safe, secure, prioritized, or of value to him or anybody else. They're a nuuisance that causes lots of upheaval because of who their mother is, and because daddy hasn't "got the money" to pursue legal custody. He's got them and himself pandering and placating this irresponsible and irrational "mother" so that she doesn't come and "uproot" their lives.....because he's not man enough to take on the living heck she'll inflict if he were to pursue and be granted legal custody - ending his support arrangement to her for them, and giving her visitation as per a court ordered outline.
and you're all living with the result of him being "emotionally driven". He feels guilty that she's their mother, that he left them with her, and he's taking them on physically and financially - without giving them the court ordered security that would allow them to breathe deep, grow, mature, and learn. Because he's not got legal custody - he doesn't want to offend her...and so the kids are encouraged and required to "talk to mommy" all the time...and she's emotionallly driven, irrational, illogical and unrealistic - so she calls up saying one thing one minute based on her feelings, has another feeling a second later and calls with with a totally different statement that ocnflicts with what she just did or said. And anything she wants, she gets...so that she doesn't "upset the kids".
I know precisely why you think that everything he's doing is noble, and good and the reasons that it isn't being done "by the books" is because he can't afford it on his salary, while maintaining these kids needs and bills. That's UNTRUE.....it's a line....and he probably bought into it to.
But there are ways for him to pursue and get legal custody - and he should. If he loved his children and understood parenting and relationships on more than just the superficial and external level - he'd do it if he had to get loans, or get it from his parents, or stop dating you in order to have the money to secure a "safe" environment for his kids to call home 24/7/365.
So, you're wondering if "he's worth it" - absolutely not. HE doesn't love the kids or prioritize them..it's just that they're there and impacting him, and he's "dealing with the chaos" rather than "finding a solution". That's his style...again, I understand it.
Some people are raising runnning from crisis to situation to dilemma to chaos...with slight breathers of instant gratification in between wherever they may be found. And as a result - that is all they know to do. They can't figure out why they can't succeed at anything they do, that "everybody is against them", and that "nothing ever works out like they thought it would". Thecommon denominator is them....it's not the changing situations, relationships, and circumstances.
And some people aren't raised that way...but early in adulthood fall into that pattern because they didn't "learn the method of success" in the successful environment in which they were raised. They just assumed that because of who they are, and what they have via that familial tie - that they'd "succeed like dear old dad" - as if it involved inherited brains...rather thna a learned skill.
But any way you slice and dice it...this guy is in "crisis managment mode"...and you don't get out of that continue to temporarily patch the crisis of the moment, while running towards the siren that is rushing towards your next tumultous situation. YOu get out of that by getting realistic goals, and realizing you are ging to lose in some of these "crisis" situations so taht your loan term goals are accomplished. And it requires you to sit in emotional living hell.....while restructuring your thinking pattern and emotional associations.
So really, is it ever going to end? No...not unless what he does is go out and "create a living hell" - by pursuing custody until he gets it, limiting her contact with those kids for their own long-term good despite her clawing at him to get to them, and requiring of those kids good grades to the best of their ability, chores done without backtalk, and by insisting on the one thing they haven't ever had....honest communication. By moving you out if you live there - ntil you're legally married, and legally a part of this family and so taht these kids learn to rely on you from THAT position of authority, not the current position of "I pity you and want to be your friend". He can't make them talk, he can't makehtem be honest, he can't make this an ideal situation...but he can create an environment that inspires it in them.....and he really should...but he won't in crisis management style mode.
So if you love him and you want to stay...realize what you're committing to is this, as it is, with no change.
Because people are always doing what they really want to do. They're doing what their thinking process says to do, utilizing methods their values justify, to get their desired result.
Using that reality based, across the board, concrete fact about all people everywhere - you can easily see what he's doing.
He wants to placate and sooth - rather than fix and upgrade because all he's doing is soothing and placating, because that is the easiest route in order to avoid "this second of chaos" with no realization that in avoiding this moment of chaos, he's building up for years of terror and destruction.
He just doesn't "know" any better...he doesn't understand how to succeed in life...and as a result, he never will.
In this relationship, you won't be a priority over her, he's not a priority with those kids - he's teaching them to "do whatever gets you want you want to someone's face"..and eventually the face they're doing it to is his...and yours if you're around.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hon... you don't. This situation is utterly ridiculous. This man is simply NOT AVAILABLE for a real relationship with you or any woman. Period. He puts up with it for the kids? Oh, pleeeasse...... He puts up with it because YOU ALLOW HIM TO.
There's no solution here and you know it. Obviously, tolerating this situation is something you're willing to do, because you've done it from the start.
You have two choices: stay or leave. Since you won't leave, you've already made your decision. Have fun.
I am summarily impressed by your essay.
Where is the StepTogether message board?
the man is emotionally driven (meaning whatever feels good at the time, or would cause least negative feelings at the time) - he does it He's not goal focused and responsible - he's emotionally driven.
That pervasive modus operandi drives people's lives into the ground......believe me, I drove mine right in about 100 yards deep in 14 years....doing that very same thing.
You're not going to fix this, or fix him. The question is "do you want to involve yourself in it and have it impact you and your potential 100%." Because nothing you do is going to change what they want.
Values justify actions. He 'values" positive emotional feelings.....that is easily obtained in the form of instant gratification vs. long-term goal focused satisfaction and success.
So, it's not how're you going to fix this and him, how're you going to make the ex stop being so invasive, abusive, and impactive, how're you going to get him to stand up to her and put his foot down...it's are you going to be impacted by all these, dealig with the choas, dsyfunctionality and destruction or not.
Because it's never going to "get better' the situations might change- but if his values and thus his modus operandi in life don't - you'll just jump from crisis to crisis.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Carrie