Ex wives and children

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Ex wives and children
6
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:15pm
I have been dating a guy for almost 2 years now. I knew he had baggage when we first started dating (2 ex wives and a child from his first marriage). I didn't think it would bother me. Well, after we moved in together about a year ago it did begin to bother me. His daughter (age 7) wouldn't listen to me and I waited too long to tell him there was a problem. He fixed that after I brought it up to him. But that put a big damper on my relationship with her. She makes little comments about how she doesn't want any siblings and is always questioning me on how much money he gives me for stuff and she has said some of this stuff in front of my mother so then my mother questions me about the relationship. I have feelings of anger and bitterness about his past. I find myself depressed and hurt and even jelouse of his daughter and ex wife. I have been dealing with these feelings for awhile now and I can't seem to fight them off. He has to talk to his daughters mother all the time and she has been known to call him at work and to present herself to the receptionist as

" The mother of his child". I have never been in a relationship like this before, I wonder if it is too far over my head or too mature for me. Also, I have found out that it may be difficult for me to carry a child to term and there is a small possibility I may not be able to have a child of my own at all. This makes me even more angry that he has a child already. Does anyone have any advise to help me get over my feelings about his baggage? I want to love his daughter or at least accept her as part of my life and I also don't want to hurt whenever he is on the phone with her mother. Any advise would be appreciated>
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:32pm
She's 7? Time for some boundaries, as the questions she is asking you (even in front of your mother) are none of her business. Respond back with - why do you want to know? (don't answer the questions).

Second, you need to present a united front with your boyfriend - that means having a heart-to-heart conversation with him about your concerns. If that means going to couple's counseling, so be it, which might be a good idea for you to go alone also to help you sort through your feelings.

Then work on building a relationship with is daughter around those boundaries, finding something that you both enjoy and can do together to build love and trust - take her for a manicure and pedicure - teach her to cook, or sew or crochet or paint or something you are creative at.

What you feel is normal and hopefully you will be able to work through it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:36pm
His daughter has been, should be and always will be a large part of his life. He will also always be communicating with his wife and hopefully be on good terms with her for the sake of their child.

If you feel anger, resentment toward her and him then I would seriously think this through. How will you get to a place where you accept her and his relationship with her 100%?

'I find myself depressed and hurt and even jelouse of his daughter and ex wife....I wonder if it is too far over my head or too mature for me.'

Have you thought about therapy to work this through?

'she has been known to call him at work and to present herself to the receptionist as

" The mother of his child".'

And how does that affect you or your relationship?

'This makes me even more angry that he has a child already.'

It concerns me that you don't embrace the fact that there is a child whom you can help raise since you may not be able to have children.

Why do you think you may not be able to have kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:36pm
You have brought up some things that I have thought of. I have often thought of counseling but have not been able to bring myself to do it. I do feel guilty about the feelings that I have. My boyfriend knows how I feel about everything and he has stood by me and tried to make me feel better. I just have insecurties I guess. As for having children myself, I have just gone through cervical canser tratment. I have been told that my cervix may be too weak to actually carry the weight of a baby. I will know how bad or good it is when I go for my check up next week.

Thank you for talking to me about this, my friends and family are hard to talk to about it. They all think I should not be with a man who has a child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:44pm
She is 8 now. She does not ask these questions in front of her dad. I haven't been able to bring it up to him because he knows how I feel about the situation, he knows i have trouble accepting her. I do not want him to think I am picking on her. He has stood by me and tried to make me feel better about all of it. I have thought about counseling. It is hard for me to talk to family and friends about this because they all think I shouldn't be with a man who has a child. I have tried to include her in my day when she comes to visit but if we are alone that is when she starts asking questions and making comments so I really try to avoid being alone with her.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:31pm
Parenting and step-parenting are the hardest two jobs in the world. I have a step-daugher, though her father and I are divorced, her mother allowed me to remain in contact with her after I left her father. Anyway, she's 21 now, but when I met her she was 2 1/2, I left her father when she was 7. Between 5 and 7 she had a lot of inappropriate questions - I'd have different answers - that's adult conversation and information, we are having fun right now, so I'll not discuss it. OR Do you really want to know or does your mom want to know? OR That's a question you will have to ask your father. (period, it's not open for discussion after that.) And sometimes you have to sound like a broken record repeating your answers. Or you have to ask it for her in front of her father (while she's there) hey, SD what did you want me to ask your dad today - oh, yeah, how much money does your dad give me? Hon, care to answer that one? OR better yet make a joke of it "SD wants to know how much money you give me, isn't that funny? Do you think she really wants to know or do you think it's her mother wanting to know?" See where the conversation goes from there (again in front of her).

I'm guessing that her mom puts her up to most of it....

As far as him having kids with the possibility of you not being able to have any.... those feelings of anger (life is so unfair) and resentment/envy (he has them and I don't / can't) are normal, but thankfully you are hiding them. Unfortunately, they won't stay hidden as you are finding. Therapy can help, really it can.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:00pm

hi... sorry about your cancer, hope you are ok (i am also a cancer survivor). parenting is not easy - and step parenting is probably even more difficult. your BF is a package deal, as in "love me-love my kid" and i am sure its not always easy. your BF is a parent, and he has a little girl. and that means that for at least the next 15 years - he will be involved in this child's life - that means his time, his energy, his money. and as his GF, i think he would expect you to be somewhat involved with her as well.


you really can't honestly get ANGRY at an 8 YO child (tho i know how annoying that can be at times....). she is a CHILD. and whether she is saying these things because she wasn't taught how to behave, or because her mother puts her up to it, or whatever - she is still a child.


you are angry and jealous - and i am wondering if you are putting a little too much responsibility for your feelings on her shoulders. if YOU are angry and jealous - then you need to figure out why, and work on those issues. its not this girl - its something to do with YOU.


and just one other thought ---- its possible that due to the cancer and/or medications/hormonal changes ---- that you have been going thru emotional upheavel that is not even related to this relationship. talk to your ob.gyn.