Ex wives and children
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Ex wives and children
| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:15pm |
I have been dating a guy for almost 2 years now. I knew he had baggage when we first started dating (2 ex wives and a child from his first marriage). I didn't think it would bother me. Well, after we moved in together about a year ago it did begin to bother me. His daughter (age 7) wouldn't listen to me and I waited too long to tell him there was a problem. He fixed that after I brought it up to him. But that put a big damper on my relationship with her. She makes little comments about how she doesn't want any siblings and is always questioning me on how much money he gives me for stuff and she has said some of this stuff in front of my mother so then my mother questions me about the relationship. I have feelings of anger and bitterness about his past. I find myself depressed and hurt and even jelouse of his daughter and ex wife. I have been dealing with these feelings for awhile now and I can't seem to fight them off. He has to talk to his daughters mother all the time and she has been known to call him at work and to present herself to the receptionist as
" The mother of his child". I have never been in a relationship like this before, I wonder if it is too far over my head or too mature for me. Also, I have found out that it may be difficult for me to carry a child to term and there is a small possibility I may not be able to have a child of my own at all. This makes me even more angry that he has a child already. Does anyone have any advise to help me get over my feelings about his baggage? I want to love his daughter or at least accept her as part of my life and I also don't want to hurt whenever he is on the phone with her mother. Any advise would be appreciated>
" The mother of his child". I have never been in a relationship like this before, I wonder if it is too far over my head or too mature for me. Also, I have found out that it may be difficult for me to carry a child to term and there is a small possibility I may not be able to have a child of my own at all. This makes me even more angry that he has a child already. Does anyone have any advise to help me get over my feelings about his baggage? I want to love his daughter or at least accept her as part of my life and I also don't want to hurt whenever he is on the phone with her mother. Any advise would be appreciated>

Second, you need to present a united front with your boyfriend - that means having a heart-to-heart conversation with him about your concerns. If that means going to couple's counseling, so be it, which might be a good idea for you to go alone also to help you sort through your feelings.
Then work on building a relationship with is daughter around those boundaries, finding something that you both enjoy and can do together to build love and trust - take her for a manicure and pedicure - teach her to cook, or sew or crochet or paint or something you are creative at.
What you feel is normal and hopefully you will be able to work through it.
Carrie
If you feel anger, resentment toward her and him then I would seriously think this through. How will you get to a place where you accept her and his relationship with her 100%?
'I find myself depressed and hurt and even jelouse of his daughter and ex wife....I wonder if it is too far over my head or too mature for me.'
Have you thought about therapy to work this through?
'she has been known to call him at work and to present herself to the receptionist as
" The mother of his child".'
And how does that affect you or your relationship?
'This makes me even more angry that he has a child already.'
It concerns me that you don't embrace the fact that there is a child whom you can help raise since you may not be able to have children.
Why do you think you may not be able to have kids?
Thank you for talking to me about this, my friends and family are hard to talk to about it. They all think I should not be with a man who has a child.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot.
I'm guessing that her mom puts her up to most of it....
As far as him having kids with the possibility of you not being able to have any.... those feelings of anger (life is so unfair) and resentment/envy (he has them and I don't / can't) are normal, but thankfully you are hiding them. Unfortunately, they won't stay hidden as you are finding. Therapy can help, really it can.
My best to you.
Carrie
hi... sorry about your cancer, hope you are ok (i am also a cancer survivor). parenting is not easy - and step parenting is probably even more difficult. your BF is a package deal, as in "love me-love my kid" and i am sure its not always easy. your BF is a parent, and he has a little girl. and that means that for at least the next 15 years - he will be involved in this child's life - that means his time, his energy, his money. and as his GF, i think he would expect you to be somewhat involved with her as well.
you really can't honestly get ANGRY at an 8 YO child (tho i know how annoying that can be at times....). she is a CHILD. and whether she is saying these things because she wasn't taught how to behave, or because her mother puts her up to it, or whatever - she is still a child.
you are angry and jealous - and i am wondering if you are putting a little too much responsibility for your feelings on her shoulders. if YOU are angry and jealous - then you need to figure out why, and work on those issues. its not this girl - its something to do with YOU.
and just one other thought ---- its possible that due to the cancer and/or medications/hormonal changes ---- that you have been going thru emotional upheavel that is not even related to this relationship. talk to your ob.gyn.