Ex won't give back the Ring

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Ex won't give back the Ring
9
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:50pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months. We have such a solid relationship, and I truly believe I've found my soulmate. We've started talking about marriage seriously a month ago, and he brought up a small problem. His ex fiancee, whom he broke it off with about two years ago, refuses to give him back the engagement ring. Now they had an agreement (unfortunately not written) that if something were to go wrong, she'd return the ring to him. They were engaged for two months before he broke it off - he felt they just weren't right for each other. When he contacted her about it (about a year and a half ago) before we started dating, she said she is not over him and doesn't want to give it back. She told him she doesn't wear it but looks at it every day. The thing is, the ring is worth a lot (I do not know the exact value) and he wants to get his money back for it. When they broke up, she kept everything he gave her (including a Rolex and a plasma TV) AND everything SHE gave HIM, including a $3,000 ring she bought him with HIS credit card (he just found that out recently).

Now everyone is probably thinking that I sound like the jealous new girlfriend, but the thing is I had no problem with it - it's not my business and I have better things to focus on - until very recently. Tim has decided to take legal action when his ex started calling me racial names: "chink, yellow-fever, slant-eyed" because I'm Korean. That is what gets me mad. I had nothing to do with his decision to get his ring back, so why does she have to stoop so low? It hurts him to know that she involved me - even if only by association - and is insulting me. I know the best advice is to ignore it, but here is an older, educated woman reducing herself to racial slurs.

I guess I just wanted to vent my frustrations out to everyone. I hate to see him stressed out over this, he has enough stress with his job and his real estate business, and he does not need this too!!! Thanks, everyone, for just listening to me vent!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:37pm
What an ugly, foul-minded person she is! Sorry you have to be on the receiving end of this. It could be one of the reasons he broke the engagement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:03pm
Your boyfriend waited a year to ask for his stuff back? I have been through a similar situation. Where we broke up and I have had his stuff in my garage for 3 years. I finally threw away what I didn't want and kept what I wanted. I think if he came back and wanted his stuff I would tell him I threw it all away. I know a ring is expensive but he could have asked for it back right after they broke up. I too have a big screen tv, courtesy of my ex. It sounds like they broke up and left everything. I he should kiss everything goodbye and learn from this. Sorry if this is harsh but that is a very long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:12pm
gymgirl1338,

Sorry I sent my post before I was done. Even though I posted my cheap 2 cents in my last post. She is a real wicked one for using the names she uses. I think she is just jealous of you! Don't let her get to you. If she know she is getting to you and your boyfriend she will keep doing it. You don't want to stoop to her level. Why is your boyfriend still in contact with her? You don't need people like that in your life. Good luck in the legal action you are taking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:27pm
gymgirl1338...

First...Pianoguy loved reading your profile. You've got some wonderful desires and excellent goals ahead of you....and I certainly hope you achieve everything your heart desires.

Do you mind if I be honest with you?

The attitude of your b/f's EX FIANCEE is typical of a lot of women. I guess some feel that the "fringe benefits" are fair compensation for the time they contributed to the relationship! While this might be justifiable, it's more along the lines of 'having the last word' and exercising a parting (aka CHEAP) shot!

Your b/f is LUCKY---TWICE!

1. He didn't have to go through a few years of a bad marriage to realize his 'almost fiancee' was a materialistic shrew. Granted...your b/f has to pay off the credit card debt, but a financial responsibility is sometimes 'better' than consistant emotional turmoil. .

2. Tim now has a woman (YOU) who is more interested in him...than in acquiring a lot of costly possessions. And if the two of you can survive through the bad and good times as a couple...he'll realize what a very lucky guy he is with YOU by his side.

Try not to stress yourself out about the nasty remarks made by the EX. Once again...this is what desperate women try to do when they can't get their own way. Most men can usually tune this verbiage out, but it's not always easy for another woman to do so.

One thing for sure...Tim's EX...even though she's supposed to be "an older educated woman"...can easily act like spoiled child when she doesn't get what she wants?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:40pm
I watched a Judge Judy once where a guy was trying to get an engagement ring back from his ex. Judge Judy said:

If the man breaks off the engagement, legally the woman can keep the ring. He can ask for it back, but there is nothing legally he can do to get the ring back.

If the woman breaks off the engagement, then the woman has to give back the ring. If a man takes her to court, she wil be forced to give it over.

It's all about the fact that ring is a symbol, a promise to get married. Whoever breaks that promise loses out on the ring. I have also read about this on theweddingchannel.com - they had an article asking about who gets the ring and the advice was the same as what judge judy said on her show.

So even though I think this xgirlfriend should give back the engagement ring - she can legally hold on to it. Who knows why she would want to... probably more out of revenge than anything.

I also think it's wrong she's calling you names. Sounds like she is immature.

I hope she realizes she needs to move on with her life and returns the ring.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:48pm
Thanks everyone for letting me vent!!! I;ve been trying my hardest to stay out of this situation. My boyfriend hasn't had much contact with his ex since the breakup but is still friends with her older brother. Brother thinks his sister is acting childish but refuses to get involved. A good family friend of his is a judge in the court system where we live, and Judge has been telling my boyfriend that he's been too nice to his ex for too long, and legally the ring is his to reclaim and return. All this has actually showed me that even the most educated, mature woman is capable of acting like a spoiled, greedy witch, and I am determined to make an effort to NEVER behave like one!!! I'm glad that I have a relationship that is strong enough to realize that monetary and materialistic things are not the foundation to any relationship!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:35pm
I'm not excusing her behavior by ANY means (she sounds HORRIBLE!), but it's completely tacky of him to be asking for the ring back when HE broke it off, IMO. Some states would allow him to get it back legally (and it sounds like yours is one of them), but that doesn't make it RIGHT. The person who didn't break it off gets the ring...that's the long-standing rule of etiquette.

And gifts are just that...gifts. They don't get given back when you break up; they are not conditional. She was wrong to keep those she gave to HIM, but not to keep those he gave her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 7:14pm
::His ex fiancee, whom he broke it off with about two years ago, refuses to give him back the engagement ring.

Even Dear Abby says if he breaks off the engagement, she keeps the ring. If she breaks it off, she gives back the ring.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:14pm
How do you know she calls you such horrible names? Is he telling you? Are you talking to her?

Why did he let her take things that she bought him?

He can take her to court but he may have to take a loss. Can he not afford a ring in the future for you without the old ring?