First, I'm sorry, but can you please stop jumping between bold, normal, underlined, and different size fonts? Your post was really difficult to read. Plain text is best.
I agree that you need to learn to control your heads and communicate better, but first make sure you're on the same page. He wants to be "carefree", does that mean he doesn't want a committed relationship at the moment? I kind of equate "carefree" with "single" (or "essentially single") when that word is coming from a man. I guess I don't know what he means by this.
Have you considered counseling as a couple to strengthen your communication skills? It could really help, it seems like your problem is exactly why counseling exists.
sorry, I wanted to get some attention from the text. we are both 20 years old, and counseling isn't something we can really get into. he says if the arguments didn't come up he would love to spend the rest of his life with me. I think he says he wants to be carefree only because I scared him away with the arguments. but we both just need to communicate better and stop misunderstanding each other
Well I really do understand where he's coming from... Men are very, very, very sensitive to arguing. And they may not say it, but somewhere in the back of their mind, they ARE thinking about what a future would be like, and they can't help but think of a future of constant arguing. And it is a really big turnoff. Something I have learned from the men I have known and dated is that, in a mature relationship, a guy really wants a harmonious companionship where he feels comfortable and happy being who he really is.
So maybe when you're 20 and not considering marriage, couples' counseling is a bit too much of an investment to be the right answer for you right now.
A book that will really help you out is Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is an excellent book to help you communicate better and understand what makes him act and react the way he does. There are some other really good reading materials out there that I'm sure other members can recommend.
Other than that, there's really no one-step solution to communicating better but it would help on your end to listen to what he says and try not to make the Female Mistake of trying to read too much into what he's saying. Take his words at face value. Let him communicate the way he's used to and try to understand things from his perspective rather than the perspective of a woman. This can be difficult but with practice it's easy to talk on the same level as a guy. If something confuses or upsets you, ask for clarification before you react. And if you find yourself getting angry, take a few minutes to yourself. Tell him that you want to cool off for a few and come back to it later.
I also find that writing things down before you say them helps to clear your head of "extra" thoughts that don't help an argument or cause more confusion.
One thing you can try to do is - if you see that your disagreement is going in the direction of yelling and screaming and it is becoming not constructive, then agree to stop everything right there and resume conversation when the climate cools off a bit. Then maybe you'll discuss things more rationally and get something accomplished.
thank you for the advice. i need all i can get. is there anything i can do or say to make him want be back. i know he wants to but hes holding back. he says his heart is telling him he wants to be with me but his head isnt. i told him clear your head, and listen to your heart.
"i told him clear your head, and listen to your heart."
I think it's important that you NOT say things like this to him, you obviously have a biased opinion and really if people only thought only with their hearts they would be in a lot of trouble. It also undermines his ability to think for himself. This is a very strong statement he made and I think that if you're going to get him back it's going to be through the way you act, not telling him to "think with his heart".
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First, I'm sorry, but can you please stop jumping between bold, normal, underlined, and different size fonts? Your post was really difficult to read. Plain text is best.
I agree that you need to learn to control your heads and communicate better, but first make sure you're on the same page. He wants to be "carefree", does that mean he doesn't want a committed relationship at the moment? I kind of equate "carefree" with "single" (or "essentially single") when that word is coming from a man. I guess I don't know what he means by this.
Have you considered counseling as a couple to strengthen your communication skills? It could really help, it seems like your problem is exactly why counseling exists.
Well I really do understand where he's coming from...
Men are very, very, very sensitive to arguing. And they may not say it, but somewhere in the back of their mind, they ARE thinking about what a future would be like, and they can't help but think of a future of constant arguing. And it is a really big turnoff. Something I have learned from the men I have known and dated is that, in a mature relationship, a guy really wants a harmonious companionship where he feels comfortable and happy being who he really is.
So maybe when you're 20 and not considering marriage, couples' counseling is a bit too much of an investment to be the right answer for you right now.
A book that will really help you out is Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is an excellent book to help you communicate better and understand what makes him act and react the way he does. There are some other really good reading materials out there that I'm sure other members can recommend.
Other than that, there's really no one-step solution to communicating better but it would help on your end to listen to what he says and try not to make the Female Mistake of trying to read too much into what he's saying. Take his words at face value. Let him communicate the way he's used to and try to understand things from his perspective rather than the perspective of a woman. This can be difficult but with practice it's easy to talk on the same level as a guy. If something confuses or upsets you, ask for clarification before you react. And if you find yourself getting angry, take a few minutes to yourself. Tell him that you want to cool off for a few and come back to it later.
I also find that writing things down before you say them helps to clear your head of "extra" thoughts that don't help an argument or cause more confusion.
"i told him clear your head, and listen to your heart."
I think it's important that you NOT say things like this to him, you obviously have a biased opinion and really if people only thought only with their hearts they would be in a lot of trouble. It also undermines his ability to think for himself. This is a very strong statement he made and I think that if you're going to get him back it's going to be through the way you act, not telling him to "think with his heart".
Welcome to the board mesmerized00f,
Unfortunately, you can't make someone see it the same way you do. If he wants to be carefree,
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