exclusive relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
exclusive relationship?
1
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:27pm
I have been dating this guy for almost four months. We are both reserved and quiet people. He's more quiet than me. Also we are both a little shy in expressing our feelings towards one another. We have told each other that we "like" each other. I initiated this. I think he is new to relationships so he has a harder time expressing his feelings. I haven't been in a relationship in more than seven years so this is sort of new to me also.

We see each other once or twice a week. So far we have a very pleasant dating relationship. We end our dates with pleasant words and a nice kiss. We however don't talk on the phone alot except when he asks me out on dates. We both do the same amount of calling. I don't know if he is seeing anyone else. I have never brought up this subject. However, I am wondering if I should bring it up. I don't want to assume that we are exclusive and it is starting to bug me not knowing because my feelings for him are growing stronger. How can I casually bring up exclusive dating and not scare him? Is it usually the girl who brings up this question? I want to know what he thinks and how he feels but at the same time I don't want pressure him if he is not ready. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:37pm
Well, like you said, you are both shy people so it sounds like it is not something you can just come right out and say. However, you might need to get a little more courage than normal to bring this topic up because it is something that is a little scary. When I was in school, it was referred to as the DTR (determine the relationship) talk. Cheesy, I know, but that is what it was. As in, we just had the DTR talk...or I think we are going to have the DTR talk. It is never easy (in my opinion) but it is necessary. Before you talk to him I would really think about what you want. Regardless of what his opinion is (he wants to date exclusively, he doesn't yet, he already is...) you should find out what you want. It is easy to get into the conversation and have your mind changed or skewed because of what this other person is saying. I am not saying to just go in there and open your heart to him, but make sure in your mind you know what you want and you also know what you don't want. I would just bring it up and let him know there is no pressure either way, but you feel like you are at a point in your relationship where you want to know if it is just for fun or if there is a future. You can really stress that you aren't looking for him to get all serious that instant, but you really want to know where his feelings are. I would ask him, would it bother you if I was dating another guy? That might be easier for him to discuss than to just say, hey you wanna be exclusive? But also, be honest with him and tell you enjoy dating him and wouldn't mind being exclusive (if that's how you feel.) The talk is not just to determine where you are but to find out where you might go. If you are interested in a serious relationship, want to get married soon or whatever, you need to find out what his expectations are. You don't want to waste your time. Just a couple of questions -- do you consider him your boyfriend? How intimate are you guys -- just the kiss at the end of the date? Anyway, that is just my two cents, sorry it's so long.