Exes and friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Exes and friends
9
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 1:43am

Three years ago I started dating my current boyfriend. We moved in together but as the first year went on, I started slipping into depression. Needless to say my unhappiness started to affect him and ultimately he broke it off. However, he went straight to his best friend, who is a female, and they had every intention of making a long term relationship work. They had tried a few times in the past to date but one thing or another prevented its success. He went away for a month for employment training and came back to single life. He had neither me or her. He came to terms with the effect of his choices. We kept in touch as friends over the course of the next year and decided to get back together. My issue now is that he still holds this friendship with the "other girl". Granted they were friends for several years before him and I ever met, I feel like its time for him to rid her. I absolutely do not think its ok for them to hang out anymore. I guess I'm waiting for the day that history repeats itself. But where is my proper place in this situation, how should I really feel or handle it in a mature manner??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 9:25am

Your mature way of handling things is not to expect him to ditch a friend he has known longer than you because you are insecure.  Either you trust him or you don't--it's pretty simple.  Of course their relationship should be above board--no secret meetings with her that he doesn't tell you about.  It should be a relationship where you all do things together or you invite her over, etc.  I mean they tried to make a relationship work, but it didn't--why would they try again?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 1:22pm

It isn't about "ditching" her, but rather having an appropriate R with her.   Granted, with time their R will probably change if things work out with the two of you, but hopefully that would happen on its own. 

Does he need to be going to dinner and movie with an xGF while seeing you, I don't think so.  I can't say it is impossible, but very rare that he would continue to go to her as a friend after moving on into a serious R. 

I know lots of guys I consider "friends," but I don't socialize with them without my DH.  If I run into to them, we can have a great visit, but that is about as far as it goes.  I rarely have reason to call them on my own. 

Hope that all makes sense. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 1:57pm

I think you have to be straight with him and say " I know she is an important friend to you and you have known her longer than you've known me, but I am your girlfriend and I need to be your priority. If you want to hang out with her sometimes that;s fine with me but It makes a bit nervous because you had a relationship with her before. So could you keep that in mind and remember not to cross anylines because I really trust you and love you and want you to be friends but not at the expense of our relationship." Then maybe have her over and make friends with her if you can. Make it hard for her to cross that line and be her buddy too. Invite her over where you can both visit with her and you can keep an eye on them both until you are sure you can trust her. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 12:10am

 Be very,very careful.  She was there before you.  And she can be your biggest booster or you worse nightmare.  it is your choice.  If you feel insecure then that must be dealt with.  No mature male will throw away his friends because of the GF's insecurity.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 12:20am

Tell him "I'm not comfortable with you hanging out alone with her" and see how he reacts. If he acts highly defensive of them hanging out alone and isn't willing to stop (and maybe agree to just hang out with her and you together) then you have to decide whether you want to keep dating him or not. Not everyone can handle their significant others hanging out alone with opposite sex friends and if this isn't acceptable to you then you need to move on. I see no reason why you and her could'nt also become friends, and once you get to know her (and see how they act around each other ) you'll get a better idea of whether you trust their relationship or not. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 9:27am

I agree with Peaceyma. I'm the type of person who couldn't handle a man having a woman as a best friend. Male/female friendships have a different dynamic. What I'm fine with is casual opposite sex friendships where we do things as a group. Maybe at work I would go to lunch with a male co-worker, but not the same one regularly. I wouldn't give my phone number out to any of them to chat with. I have guy friends who we make comments about each others stuff on Facebook, etc. But boundaries have to be drawn. A guy I was friends with as a teen befriended me on facebook and started making sexual comments so I deleted him, since I'm married and don't play games like that. I would not seek out a guy at work to talk to everyday about problems. That leads to an emotional affair.

Basically, you should enter into a relationship that you don't want to change. He has the right to have a close female friend, and you have the right to tell him that this doesn't work for you. Even if he never cheated, he once had sex with her. Even if he didn't, most women want to be their significant other's female best friend and have a guy who has only close guy friends. He will probably resent you for wanting him to sever that relationship. Best to move on and find a guy you don't want to change. Good luck.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 11:16am

  May I add that even same sex friends can be sources of conflict.  When a person is in a relationship you are now entwined with all of the people they are/or have been associated.  I suggest a deep rethinking of your "supposed to be's".   Many people find themselves in social group whose characteristics make them uncomfortable.  You are not just with the object of your affection but with their history, friends and enemies as well. 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 09-02-2013 - 11:16am

musiclover12 wrote:
<p>Your mature way of handling things is not to expect him to ditch a friend he has known longer than you because you are insecure.... Of course their relationship should be above board--no secret meetings with her that he doesn't tell you about.  p>

Yes, asking him to cut her out of his life won't work. People also have different attitudes towards friendships with exes. What I would do instead is set ground rules-e.g. that they only see each other in public places ( not alone in her house), you are invited along whenever they meet, etc.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 4:16am

 I disagree with Trenner on this idea of ground rules.  I am older and would not tolerate any interference whatsoever.   The reason is that it is my friendship.   To stop the friendship for someone's insecurity or to change it is a black flag.  I can move on.  

Goldfish