Exhausted mentally, physically, morally and financially

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2013
Exhausted mentally, physically, morally and financially
5
Fri, 09-13-2013 - 4:31pm

My hubby and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a 1 year old daughter. A very cute loving one too. We had a great first year. I was naive and innocent. He was very loving.

  • Since I earn more than him, he said I should take care of all the bills and he will save for our future. So I did. He said that he will do the cooking and I can do the cleaning. So I did. He said he has money to start his own company, but is short of 10K. So I let him borrow money on my name. He said he will save for our baby. So I let myself to have a cute daughter. He bought the most expensive cars and always convinced me that he had 'extra' money for these things and it came from his business shining. He led a very lavish life. The responsible person in me always never let myself lead that life. So my friends and everyone started seeing this distinction. I used to get questions such as: "Why this for him and not for you?" To me, it didn't matter because I thought it was difference in personality. I never valued a lavish life.

Now 5 years later, I am left with paying all the bills, doing all the chores at home, being the sole breadwinner of my family. The worst part is: my husband keeps demeaning the work I do. He has said statements like "What is the big deal in paying all the bills?", "So what if you are the one to keep the garbage can outside?" "It's on your way to office, why is it so difficult to give the cars for servicing (and pay for it)?" "So you are successful at work. That's only because I asked you to focus on work."

Right now, he does not have a work or a work permit in the US. He cannot work until my work permit situation is fixed and as my dependant, he will get his visa to work. I am waiting for mine to clear. Perhaps it will take another 6 months. He does not speak about these things to anybody. I went ahead against his wish and informed both my parents and his that he lost a job. He got very furious with me and put holes in 2 walls in the house. He does nothing at home, except see TV all day.

We are not talking to each other anymore since this incident. The whole house is a deserted haunted place. This is affecting my daughter. She cries a lot and clings on to me like I am going to leave her. I can see 'fear' seaping into her personality. She is afraid to do anything now.  She is behind on her milestones, just because I don't have time to take care of her. He shows her the television all the time. I don't have money to send her to daycare. The worst part is he sees Gangster, Murder stories, etc in front of my 1 year old daughter.

Everytime I think of leaving him, I am afraid of how I will face the world as a single mom and how my daughter's life will get affected. I also think if I should wait another 6 months, get the visa and then leave him. So it doesn't look like I am not there for him when he is having a helpless visa situation. I trusted him and I feel betrayed. I don't wish for him to think the same about me!

At the moment, I feel completely drained out. I am busy all day working at office, busy all evenings trying to make dinner, do chores and take care of my daughter and busy all nights paying bills and checking and re-checking finances. I have lost my sleep, just get the min. amount done to stay alive. My credit score is at it's worst now.

I don't know what this forum thinks of me or my situation. I just wanted to see if you were me, what would your advice to me be. Thank you for reading my sorrow story.

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999

Are you paying all of your bills and his bills?  Does he have any of his own bills, such as credit card, car payment, etc.?  It seems much more complicated by the work visa issue, but if it were just a plain traditional marriage and he was completely taking advantage of you I would say firstly, stop paying anything that is in his name solely, if he wants it, he can figure out how to work for it.  And I would use that money to at least put your daughter in part time daycare if you feel like that would be more beneficial for her.  Are you close enough to any other family that can assist you in watching her during the day while you work?  I would do what you can to downsize things as much as possible expense wise and start putting money aside for you.  It sounds like you are already doing it all, so honestly, coming from someone who has been a single mom, the only difference from what I hear your situation right now is that you wouldn't have his constant pressure and negativity on you.  I also wouldn't worry about what he thinks about you, at this point, your sole responsibility is to yourself and your child, not an adult man who seems to have taken advantage of you.

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

I don't have a full understanding of the work visa situation, but it sounds like you need to start planning your exit.  (going off the impression that you don't want to work things out, and that you are done.)

Whether you stay married or get divorced, there are some basic things you might be able to cut back on or some items you could sell to bring in some more money.  So, since you are the only one working, are you still in charge of the money.  Meaning, is he running around with a debit card making a budget impossible? 

Either way, I would talk to a divorce attorney and find out what your rights are.  You can still work on this marriage if you choose to, but good idea to have a plan.  And if you squirl some money away and don't leave, then you will simply have a savings account.  No harm done. 

But talk to an professional first.  Since you are the main bread winner right now, you don't want to accidently shoot yourself in the foot and have him to try to get spousal support, or something like that. 

Good luck and hang in there.  I know it is hard.  You may also want to lurk around iVillage and find some other boards that may help.  You have marital issues, financial issues, and possible separation and divorce issues.   Take advantage of them all.  Lastly, you may want to talk to a counselor.  At a minimum, some of your good friends. 

Hugs...

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

As the others have said, it's time to see an attorney.  What happened to all the expensive cars?  If they're still there, sell them.  You are already facing the world as a single Mom with TWO children, and lucky for you, you can get rid of the oldest one.  How your daughter's life will be affected.....will be in a GOOD way.  He doesn't "take care" of her, he puts her in front of a TV, and lets her see horrible things she doesn't understand yet, but she will soon.  Are your parents in this country?  If not, can they come here?  If you had them to take care of your daughter, you woudn't need your husband.  He thinks that you paying the bills is "no big deal".......then throw him out and let him pay his own bill.......then he'll think it's a big deal!!!  You aren't his mother.....let him get his own visa, or go back where he came from.  You need to get your daughter away from his "care"!  Talk to an attorney to see what you need to do to have him deported if that's what it will take.  You need legal advice before you do anything, but you need to do something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Agreed with talking to attorneys and planning on ditching the husband.  However, someone with only a work permit (I assume H1B visa) cannot sponsor her parents to come to this country.  And even an US citizen needs to demonstrate that she can financially support her parents for so that they do not become a burden to the public.

However, the amount of money the OP's husband wastes could most likely cover day care costs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

Please just get out of the marriage.You need to think about your child and yourself.Obviously he's been taking advantage of you for a long time.You shouldn't have to be behind a man to get a job.Now it's about a Visa ....why is it up to you again?Just leave him and you and your child start a new life.YOU are the one holding ALL the cards.Don't you see that?! I know it's not easy leaving someone that you love especially IF there are kids involved BUT you have to do what you have to do to protect you and your kid!