Exhausted & suffocating

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Exhausted & suffocating
5
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:19am

Hello all,

Here it is, quarter to midnight, and I cant get this suffocating feeling out of my mind. My DH is verbally abusive. I brushed it off for years...but when my friends and his friends started asking my "how do you stay with him"......well it finally hit me. I always used to say that was just the way he is. Now I realize that yes, that is the way he is, because he's so insecure, its his way of staying on top. Well, Ive always been a pretty head strong girl, but over the past few years lost a lot of myself without even realizing it. And now, Im just plain ticked about it. I hold so much disdain towards him, for all the years he's taken me for granted, ridiculed my in public, in front of our friends..... I know he's at his lowest point....he's gained a lot of weight, never feels successful. He's been taking me down with his sinking ship for the past couple of years, and Ive finally thrown myself my own life vest to keep me from drowning with him. He refuses to help himself, he believes that we have the perfect marriage.....well, from his side it is. From my side, its absolutely miserable.

I fell in love with him for his charisma and spark. Every bit of that is gone now, and what Im left with is the mean and ugly version of him. I resent him so much now. I feel like im suffocating living here with him. I cant even tolerate being in the same room with him sometimes, and he has no clue about it. Over the past years I have allowed him to control me in such a way that Im afraid to ask for what I want, down to whether we should have pork chops or steak for dinner. I nearly abandoned all of the thoughts and dreams of what I want my life to be like, because I knew he wasnt interested in the same things as I. SO id just go along with everything, knowing that he'd call my suggestions stupid, and look at me like had 4 heads and say , now why in the hell would we do that?

I think ive come to the realization that this is NOT how i want my life to be. This is not how Iwant our 2 year old to feel either. I want to live a fulfilling life. And although he can provide me with financial security for life, i cant allow myself to go on living like this feeling like ive lost myself. Even if I end up alone, I can still make some choices for myself, and not have to worry about being told how stupid I am for thinking like that.

Ive began to take the first steps towards actually preparing myself for a separation and/or divorce. I went back to work, make fairly good money as a public administrator, have began to rebuild my credit (my credit was awful when he and i started out, but nearly all of that has been wiped from my record now).... Ive taken credit cards out in my name, and have taken money from a side job and set it aside to open my own checking account with it. Im trying to line my ducks up in a row, on the off chance that at some point, I finally have the gumption to go through with leaving.

My biggest barrier: OBVIOUSLY, his temper. And his depression and lack of self esteem. Like I said, he's so low right now....but he wont help himself. He's always been way WAY too proud to seek any kind of professional help. Just within the past few days we have had two awful stories of deadly domestic abuse in our area. One man even dismembered his wife after he strangled her. All I could think was, i could see him getting upset enough to do something like that if I approached him at all about a divorce. I dont think I could coax him into counseling even if Dr Phil was dragging him by the ear there. And I dont know how I can go to counseling without him knowing about it (He wont allow me to talk to ANYONE about our marital problems....funny, considering 99% of the time he doesnt think we have any marital problems). ANd beyond that, his best friend will be moving across the country by the end of the year, so he will lose that support if I go through with any of this as well. If i go through with leaving, he'll be completely obliterated....some of it will just be because Im gone, but the rest of it I believe will be his embarassment that his secret is out that we dont/didnt have the perfect marriage.

If divorce is eminent, its going to be brutal on me. His family has money, and I am fully prepared to get screwed...and then there is our daughter...the fight over her would be devastating.

BUT I just cant keep living like this. Ive been really stressed with work, and he has been trying to be nicer...but for one, I know it wont last......and two...im so filled with resent that I cant even be nice to him sometimes. He wants to plan a weekend away for us since Ive been so busy. I cant think of a more miserable way to spend a weekend. It would be a weekend, away, with him controlling everything, down to what we watch on TV. Anything but relaxing, just more of me on eggshells. I think ive fallen out of love with him....

Im dozing off while im typing, but I'll wrap this up with this. I feel like my eyes have been opened, and I know I can see where I need to go, i just dont know how to deal with the uphill battle to get there.

So sorry I babbled a bit, getting a little groggy. Just needed to vent to someone, anyone. It really sucks being so lonely in a marriage.

Thanks for listening,
Izzo2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:56am

Hi izzo2,


Here's some good resources for you:


1-800- 977-SAFE - they can help you make a plan, offer shelter and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:49pm

Izzo2,


I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It is good that you have realized what the problem is and that you can't fix it. It is also good that you are starting to prepare your financaly for a divorce. You said you were worried about

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 6:40pm

Wow, You weren't kidding when you responded to my post saying that we have the same problem. I know for my dh it comes out of fear and shame, but it doesn't make it any easier. You are so brave for getting yourself back out there and prepared for the worst. I wish I could do that...I feel so selfish because I want to be home with my kids and can't seem to prepare myself.

Stay in touch and keep your head up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:19pm

Hi again, thank you for your response!

Its just crazy isnt it? You never really saw yourself in the place youve ended up. I know I didnt. Its one of the loneliest feelings Ive ever felt, not being able to talk with anyone about it all.

I completely understand all of your hesitancys...from the in-laws to the support system. Ive often thought about how all of this would be explained to my in-laws...its their son....how do you tell them how awful he can be? And then there are my parents who think that because we're so financially set that my DH is the best thing thats ever appeared on earth. It gets so overwhelming so quickly when you think about it. Ive always been the type to say that "oh it will all work itself out"....but Ive realized that this isnt working out for anyone but him.

One of the hardest parts Im dealing with is knowing that he's still making plans for our future, and I have completely ceased any type of future plans with him. He bought me a surround sound system for our living room for valentines day (certainly not because I asked for one, especially since we have a whole media room thats already packed with that junk). As soon as I saw it I thought to myself: Great....another thing for us to fight over come separation time. He made mention of another baby last night. The thought nearly turns my stomach. How awful to say that about your husband, but its true. He's planning vacations in September to the family house on the ocean in Maine... and as soon as he brings it up I think to myself "am I still going to be here in this house in September?" He knows Ive been grumpy lately, and Ive been able to blame it on my work since this is such a stressful time for me there. But he has no clue how unhappy I am...and that at this point, I dont want to even try at it anymore.

I think I could write a book of all of the things im feeling. There are so many facets to all of this that my mind just wants to melt down sometimes. But then there are those days when I just know that im doing the right thing by getting ready to walk away. Ive got to scoot, he'll be home soon... But hang in there Memphis!!! Its not going to be easy......you cant let yourself lose anymore of yourself. I know its hard. Its so hard. just a little bit at a time, do little things that remind you of how you used to be. And dont stop. Your kids will love you for you loving you.

Keep in touch!!

-Izzo2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:25pm
Do you have anyone you can talk to? I mean really talk to? I feel like I don't have anyone like that. I can't talk to family, because of obvious reasons. I can't talk to friends for the same reasons. When something serious happens in a relationship, there are so many different feelings and, I personally, don't want to jump to any conclusions.
I feel really similar to you. Some days I just feel like it's not worth it any more to keep trying and letting go of all the resentment that has built up over the years. For a really quick background.... We have been married for almost 14 years. I've known him for 17 years. When we were dating things got ugly and I left and came back several times. there was physical abuse involved, but I was too ashamed to say anyting to anyone and I started to lie and cover up, etc.etc. Well, SO many things happened and I ended up marrying him, thinking I knew what I was getting myself into. We separated after our first child was only 2 months and I put him in jail for spousal abuse. He served 3 weeks. I filed for divorce and left for 10 months. When our son turned 1, I came back because I really really wanted to believe that we could work. We have been working since then. I use the term "work" in the literal sense. He has never laid another finger on me in anger. But, he has started to slowly feel more and more depressed and just all around negative. As soon as I want to see the other side or the positive, he gets angry and we stop talking. I feel like I have no voice unless I'm agreeing with him.
Just like you, he thinks our marriage is just fine. He says he happy. He doesn't see anything wrong at all. When I bring anything up, he blames me for even thinking about it. I'm the reason I'm feeling sad, rejected, alone, unvalued. It has nothing to do with him. We now have 4 beautiful children and although we struggled, he worked hard so I could stay home with the kids. We aren't poor, but we aren't wealthy either. Our baby is in kindergarten adn I started working part-time at the school.
I guess my biggest problem is that I don't feel like I can talk to him. He's my husband and I can't talk to him. He doesn't see himself as abusive, because there is nothing physical. When he says I'm stupid, or jokes that everything is my fault, or gets angry at the suggestions I make, he doesn't see or care how it hurts me. Is that love?