Failing Relationship
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Failing Relationship
| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:57pm |
Hello,
I need some advice on an relationship issue/dilemna that I'm currently having regarding my boyfriend/ ex-fiancee. We've been having problems in our relationship since the day he proposed 05/10/06. Our problems range from everything from differences in parenting, ex-wife issues, kid issues, $$$ issues, housekeeping issues and differences in affection. Despite all of the above problems, we're still together. Even though, he broke off the engagement and took back the 3 1/2 karat diamond engagement ring (I could care less about the ring, it's the sentiment and significance behind the ring that's important).
After nearly 1 year of living together, I moved out 3 weeks ago and was ready to end the relationship for good. However, I didn't because I still love this man very much. He has all the qualities that I looked for, good role model to my 11 yr. old son, educated, mature, family oriented, responsible, not a party animal and no bad habits. Sounds wonderful! The problem is that he will degrade me and make me feel like I'm not to his par. I'm 5 years younger, a college graduate, have a career that I love, am family oriented and love being around him. I do tend to act before I think and let my emotions get in the way of rationality, which is his biggest gripe about me.
My dilemna is that I don't know whether or not to stay in the relationship. He is moving out of the home we had together and moving in with a family member, who has a very bad reputation of being a ladies man. Also, by him moving out of our home, it tells me that he is not interested in getting back together. I told him how I feel about it but he says that I'm the one who decided to move and now he can't afford to live there. His parents offered us a home and he refused it and preferred for his EX-WIFE to move in with their 2 kids. WHAT???!!!!!! His ex-wife is still very controlling of him and uses the kids to get him to oblige. He's a great dad who will do whatever it takes to be part of hischildren's lives, however, I think she needs boundaries, which he has never set with her and it drove me away. Was I wrong in my decision?
I'm still helping him pay the bills that we have calculated together, which is making it hard on me financially. I don't want to make things worse for him because I feel that I put him in this situation. He's always been good to me and my family but I don't want to be in a relationship that is going nowhere. Can you please help me? Thank you very much for your attention and assistance.
I need some advice on an relationship issue/dilemna that I'm currently having regarding my boyfriend/ ex-fiancee. We've been having problems in our relationship since the day he proposed 05/10/06. Our problems range from everything from differences in parenting, ex-wife issues, kid issues, $$$ issues, housekeeping issues and differences in affection. Despite all of the above problems, we're still together. Even though, he broke off the engagement and took back the 3 1/2 karat diamond engagement ring (I could care less about the ring, it's the sentiment and significance behind the ring that's important).
After nearly 1 year of living together, I moved out 3 weeks ago and was ready to end the relationship for good. However, I didn't because I still love this man very much. He has all the qualities that I looked for, good role model to my 11 yr. old son, educated, mature, family oriented, responsible, not a party animal and no bad habits. Sounds wonderful! The problem is that he will degrade me and make me feel like I'm not to his par. I'm 5 years younger, a college graduate, have a career that I love, am family oriented and love being around him. I do tend to act before I think and let my emotions get in the way of rationality, which is his biggest gripe about me.
My dilemna is that I don't know whether or not to stay in the relationship. He is moving out of the home we had together and moving in with a family member, who has a very bad reputation of being a ladies man. Also, by him moving out of our home, it tells me that he is not interested in getting back together. I told him how I feel about it but he says that I'm the one who decided to move and now he can't afford to live there. His parents offered us a home and he refused it and preferred for his EX-WIFE to move in with their 2 kids. WHAT???!!!!!! His ex-wife is still very controlling of him and uses the kids to get him to oblige. He's a great dad who will do whatever it takes to be part of hischildren's lives, however, I think she needs boundaries, which he has never set with her and it drove me away. Was I wrong in my decision?
I'm still helping him pay the bills that we have calculated together, which is making it hard on me financially. I don't want to make things worse for him because I feel that I put him in this situation. He's always been good to me and my family but I don't want to be in a relationship that is going nowhere. Can you please help me? Thank you very much for your attention and assistance.

Unfortunately, you can love someone with all your heart and still not be right for each other. Love is wonderful and necessary but it will not keep you together if you don't have compatible values, goals, ambitions, et cetera.
Think about WHY you are with this man and don't use "because I love him" as an answer. Why are you two still together if he degrades you and is still controlled by his ex-wife?
If it's going to work out between you two it's going to be with a LOT of sacrifice on either part, and with a lot of give-and-take in order to come to an understanding about how each of you solves problems and communicates since that seems to be a problem for you. You should enlist the help of a relationship counselor if you are serious about keeping your love alive.
If you and your kid are in a better position now than you were before, then no you did not make the wrong decision. But you're going to have to go beyond feelings and emotions to determine why you're staying with someone who doesn't seem like he fits you well enough.
'The problem is that he will degrade me and make me feel like I'm not to his par.'
Do you think this is a good quality in a man that is a parent to your 11 year old?
Get away from the mess and let him do what is best for his kids. The ex will always be in his life for that reason.
Aly
Welcome to the board flamily,
This is not a good relationship in my opinion.
why would he really want to be with someone who can not meet his maturity level?
See, dear.. he is insulting you.. it hurts your feelings... but he does not believe this.. he must say it as a way to control you... to make you do what he wants/ see things his way..
Get out before your self-esteem is so shot down that you start to question your own value!
A man in our life should build us up -- not tear us down..
And he is moving in with a 'ladies man' type... lol it sounds like HE is the one who needs to grow up.. is he really your ideal guy? or is it ego, lonliness, fear and sympathy that is making you stay... it took me awhile to realize that a lot of times, us women confuse those feelings with love.. and its not until we truly feel worthy of real love that we hold true to what we really want in life... and are able to let go of what we do not...
good luck.
There is never a reason to be in a relationship with a man who degrades you.
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