falling for my guy bestfriend/roomm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
falling for my guy bestfriend/roomm
6
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:28pm
So, here's the deal. I met this guy last year, we immediately started kind of dating. That only lasted about a month. Then after a short time, we started hanging out again and eventually became very close friends. A few months ago we decided to be roommates. Starting about a month ago we started having sex and hooking up consistently. Now i am starting to have feelings for him, but i don't want to screw up our friendship and living situation. I am pretty sure i am at the point at which i need to talk to him. I just don't know how to bring it up and what to say. Please help!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:03pm
I'm not really to sure what to do there, on one hand you owe it to yourslef to find out if he feels the same way, or to put it bluntly and I'm sorry but or if your just a casual peice for him. how does he treat you. is he more effectionate with you noe ? do you start every thing or does he ? has he been drinking when you have sex there is so many diddfernt things you need ot look at. so I guess try to talk to him about it it's really the only way your goona find out one way or the other and if he doesn't feel the same way then you'll at least know, unless you'll be happy just being friends with benifits

let us know what happens

Opsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:22pm
How does he treat me? Well, i am the only girl spends any time with. I am really the only girl he talks to, other than coworkers. We play fight and flirt constantly...half and half on initiation. He is the initiater in the hooking up though, i may egg him on from time to time, but i have never asked him for sex. There were 2 instances in which we "had" to sleep in the same bed. On both of these instances, he cuddled and spooned me. We have hooked up many times sober but a few times drunk has well. He text messages me pretty much every day from work or school. I don't know, he acts like he likes me, but i am not sure whether he will acknowledge it or not. I love hooking up with him, but i can't continue if i he is only hooking up with me out of boredom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:26pm
When a guy wants to be exclusive with you, he'll let you know. You'd have no doubt. You've set yourself up to be just a toy for your roommate. I seriously doubt he's thinking about anything more. Most men want a GF that they know isn't just open to anyone. Most want a girl who is 'picky', so to speak. I'm trying to be tactful here, but when you sleep around just for fun in uncommitted relationships, many guys won't see you as gf material. He knows you'll sleep around with whomever...know what I mean? Men also like a challenge...some will take what's availble, but for any real respect and considration, they look for a woman of integrity. If you want to be respected and considered quality gf material, perhaps you need to change your behavior. You can asked your roommate what he thinks about a relationship with you, but don't be surprised if he's not really interested. Sorry if this sounds mean, but it's reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:32am
Hi! I had the sort of same situation with my BF. We don't live together, but in the same neighborhood. We were sleeping together, but not having sex. We were always affectionate and he would say things to lead me on. For months I went through hurt and anger b/c I didn't know where our relationship stood. We would go out together and meet other people while we were out, then always come home to sleep together. Who wouldn't be confused? Then I just came out with how I felt, he didn't return the feelings. He apologized for leading me on and said he loved me, but not in that way and that I would never be happy w/ him. Our friendship was on the rocks for weeks then we started hanging out again. Well, now we know where things stand w/ each other and continue to do the things we were doing before. Things will never be the same though. We argue all the time.

One thing, you should have never had sex with your friend if you had feelings for him and you didn't know how he felt. If you keep having sex w/ him and not tell him how you feel, you are going to be miserable. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel b/c you are afraid of losing what you currently have. All actuality You are probably holding back on seeing other people and he isn't. Maybe he does have feelings for you, but wouldn't you rather know one way or the other. It is hard to tell him how you feel, I know. What finally oushed me over the edge was when my friend started sleeping w/ this other woman and we started being lesser of friends, then one night I just blew up at him. Then he approached me a week later to talk about our feelings. Then he bailed on me for a while b/c he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Reality, he was just busy w/ her. AND if you think this guys doesn't know how you feel about him you are crazy. He knows and is either taking advantage of you or is afraid to tell you his feelings. Either way your relationship needs to be defined!! I would hate to see anyone go through what I do now. Also, if it is defined and he doesn't return the feelings, do yourself a favor and don't continue what you two are doing and keep your feelings hid, making him think you are ok w/ it. It's only going to hurt more. I am so in deep now, that I don't know which way to go. Wish someone would have given me the advice I just voiced to you before I was at this point. Read my post from the first of September in the relationship section. You might get some more good advice from the people who helped me.

Also, an update w/ us is.. we argue all the time and I am the only one who gets my feelings hurt. I keep going back for more. He is either going to hate me or make me hate him. It scares me b/c I care for him so much. GOOD LUCK!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:29pm
That's a tough one. I am sorry and i hope it gets better.

With our situation, you are right, i am holding back with other guys...but way less than he is. I am the only girl he associates with...the only girls that he talks to other than me are my friends. I think he is complacent having a pseudo girlfriend so why would he want to change anything...

I did try to talk to him last night, but didnt get very far. I freaked out beforehand and said all the wrong things...instead of trying to find out his feelings...i asked hims specific questions like...are you hooking up with me out of boredom, because you view me as a piece of ass, or is there another reason.

He denied, the boredom and piece of ass...and when i asked him why he thought we were doing this...his reply was "i don't know" and that's pretty much all he said...so he knows it's on my mind...i am gonna give him time to think about it and bring it back up if he wants to...if he doesnt, i will assume that means no.....i will just have to try to be around less and hang out with other people instead of with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 9:18am
I can tell you one thing. Men hate confrontation and to be put on the spot with direct questions. He is probably at a loss for words. As women, we see the direct approach as the best. We are just not able to "sugar coat" anything when it comes to emotions.

He only talks to your friends as far as you know. I thought I was the only girl that my friend talked to. I found out otherwise. Why they try to hide it, I don't know. Don't continue to have a sexual relationship with him, it will only make it worse for you. Ever heard why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? It's true. My friends have been telling me that I am always there for my guy friend and he doesn't see me as a challenge and that will prevent things from advancing IF they are going to. Try to go out and be with your other friends. I know it is hard, from experience. Your thinking, I'd rather be with him then out with anyone else. Truth is, he probably feels the same, but you are never going to know that if you are so convenient to him.

I will pray for you that your situation gets better. I hope I take my own words of advice. Email me directly so that we can keep in touch. Maybe we can console and support each other. Maybe your situation will turn out better than mine. Hope so!