fantasizing about other women during sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
fantasizing about other women during sex
20
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 6:33pm
My man told me the other day that "sometimes" he fantasizes about/ imagines other women while we are having sex/ making love. He says that he usually imagines a pornstar... not anyone in particular. This hurts a lot, but he says that it's normal for guys. He asked me, "Don't you think about other guys sometimes?" I replied, "No, I don't... I think about you and ONLY you." I know he loves me... we've been together almost 2 years.

Got any advice?

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Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:12pm
Your man wins the Insensitive Man of the Month award. Woohoo! LOL.

I am all about being honest in relationships, but there are some things that ought not be said. I mean really - who cares if it is normal for men to fantasize about other women while having sex? No woman wants to hear that from her man. What did he hope to accomplish by sharing this insight into the minds of men with you? All this can possibly do is make you uncomfortable, insecure, angry, and/or hurt. And he probably didn't even mean to make up uncomfortable etc. He probably just didn't even think before he spoke.

What to do about it? Tell him how it made you feel and that in the future you would appreciate it if he would think about comments of this nature before he makes them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 1:18am
This may sound strange, but I actually have fantasized about being someone else when having sex with my boyfriend. It's not that I'm very unhappy with myself, but when we engage in a little role playing, it helps me to forget about some of my hangups and resentments I may be harboring. I feel more relaxed, confident, and unihibited this way. This may not be healthy. I don't know. But I will say that the way your bf mentioned his fantasizing to you was very insensitive and tactless. It might help to try to keep in mind that since men are so VISUAL, if they fantasize about a porn star, it's really just a "man" thing. I don't think he finds you unattractive or less attractive than the porn star. It's just that with "that kind of girl" anything goes. However he needs to take a crash course at Miss Manners Academy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 6:51pm
Thank you for your comments & your support. I feel a little better. I read that it is normal for men to fantasize & think about other women (than you) while having sex with you. Most men wouldn't dread of sharing that with you, but mine did & even though it hurt, I appreciate him being honest with me. He's the most honest & "blunt" guy I have ever met. If he feels somwthing or thinks something, he'll say it... he won't hold it back. If we're out in public (let's say at a party or a club) & he sees a fine-ass chic, he'll comment on just how hot she is infront of me. Ofcourse I get jealous, but hey, he's just looking... not TOUCHING or flirting with her. He's done this with me several times. It's not like he's going to go home with her or anything, feel me? I am bi-curious & have talked about having a three-some with my man, but I know that I don't want it to happen & that it's NOT going to happen b/c I love him too much. But if he sees an attractive female, he'll ask me, "Would you have a three-some with her?" Hell, I know what he's thinking... I'm not STUPID... he'd like to bone her if he had the chance...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 4:45pm
but he does have the chance. doesn't it bother you? personally I think he should respect you a little more than to just say "hey look at that fine ass chick" Who says that? That's not blunt, that's just stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:34pm
Ok, so you're right... but whenever I see a good looking guy on T.V., I may blurt out, "Damn, he's hot!" right infront of him, but I see what you're saying. So my man isn't perfect... sheesh!

He is insensitive, immature, down-right-disrespectful, but I decide to put up with it... I don't know what other woman (in her right mind) would. He calls me names (i.e. "you stupid bitch" when he gets mad), used to put me down all the time, gets angry over little things sometimes-- he does have a temper, I gotta say that much. He is 25 years old & is so financially unstable. He never saves up money. He always blows it. And oh another thing, he is a pothead from hell. He smokes weed everyday. He can't live without it. And he does other drugs, but I'm not going to go there... I can't say anything b/c I do them, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:25pm
I know my man isn't going to f*** some girl just b/c he thinks she's hot... he's complimenting on her looks infront of me... it's not like he's flirting with her- it's not like he's gonna hook up* with her... besides, he doesn't have any female friends... none, whatsoever. He doesn't call girls- girls don't call him. He doesn't flirt-- and if a girl flirts with him, he tells me about it. He could have gotten this phone # from this one chic who happened to think he was hot, but he told her, "No, I have a girl friend." Now, how many guys do you know that would do that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:26pm
Lol all that proves is how confusing love is. Why is it that you can see a million serious flaws with someone and love them at the same time? I know I've been there. I think we are a world full of completely insane people, and yes, I'm happy to be here. Sign me in because I'm not going to sane world any time soon.

PS my guy has only called me a bitch once (when he was trying to make me break up with him) and lets just say...he's never made that mistake again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:35pm
what did you do? break it off with him? he calls me names- i call him names, as well. he is not your ordinary guy. like i said, he is immature, does drugs, never saves money, pawns every damn thing; he is very insensitive, uses people, steals/ shoplifts... is this the kind of man i want to marry? yes, b/c i him & i are like two peas in a pod... we are so alike in many ways. i love him & i don't see myself wanting to be with anyone else... it's like those women who stay in abusive relationships...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:26pm
So, you're calling me insane, huh? Well, that's your damn opinion. What a f*cking bitch... to judge people like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:43am
Um yeah...i can see how you and he are so alike now.

ANYWAY what I really said when I was talking about insane was that sometimes I feel like I live in a crazy world with crazy people because of the way love makes us act. Like it's kinda crazy how people in abusive relationships stay in them for so many reasons. You know...I wasn't pointing the finger at you saying "WOW you are clinically insane lady". What I said was because love puts such a spell on EVERYONE I feel like it's a crazy world, you know as a joke. I dunno, maybe you wanna reread it because I wasn't being rude.

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