fantasizing about other women during sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
fantasizing about other women during sex
20
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 6:33pm
My man told me the other day that "sometimes" he fantasizes about/ imagines other women while we are having sex/ making love. He says that he usually imagines a pornstar... not anyone in particular. This hurts a lot, but he says that it's normal for guys. He asked me, "Don't you think about other guys sometimes?" I replied, "No, I don't... I think about you and ONLY you." I know he loves me... we've been together almost 2 years.

Got any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:45am
Ok, this may or may not help you but this summer I took a course at Loyola University of New Orleans and it was based around sex and sexual relationships. And the teacher was a certified sex therapist with his phd in sex therapy for over 20 years. Very down to earth guy and very very helpful to things I have been through. He explained to us that it is very normal to fantasize and both sexes to it. Women usually fantasize about past sexual experiences and future anticipations but all of our fatasies are based on reality. On the other hand, Men fantasize about other women. Mostly women they can't have and would never even go after. He explained that this is perfectly normal and healthy. And always remember that they are just fantasies. The other suggestion that I have it from me. Personally, somthing you can do is find out what he likes and what he fantasizes about. Then you can act on the fantasies. You can act them out any way you want. I hope you don't find this kinky but college class this summer was based soley around sexual relationships, problems and satisfactions. Hope this helps.

P.S. you shouldn't be hurt by him. He doesn't love you or want to be with you any less because he fantasises.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:35pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ADVICE, lmflmf!!! THAT'S THE BEST ADVICE I GOT YET! I ADDED YOU TO "MY FRIENDS" LIST. WHAT YOU SAID MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE I LOVE MY MAN. THANK YOU, ONCE AGAIN! YOU ARE TRULY A HELP...

E-MAIL ME AT: hightek669@yahoo.com & we can talk some more!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:19pm
I am sorry if this sounds a little harsh ---

but hightek you have much much BIGGER problems than if your man is thinking about other women.

You want to marry someone who can't save money? who is 25 and has no future? and who calls you names?

It sounds like you have low self esteem. You need to make a change and lose the loser. It is not healthy at all for you or him to call each other names in a fight or not. What will happen if you do get married, have kids and he can't keep a job, pawns all your stuff and gets high all the time? Your kids will be messed up if they hear their mom and dad yelling and calling each other names. That is verbal abuse... and if he abuses you verbally, he may start to hurt you physically or verbally abuse your children.

You need to find someone that you respect -- someone you can be proud of - so that way you won't even think of calling him names, and he will respect you and won't call you names and won't be checking out other women with you next to him.

I almost think your post was fake, because I can't believe there is really a woman out there would want to settle with a guy like this.

I don't know how old you are, and I don't know your life situation, (you said that you and him are 2 peas in a pod) but even though I don't know you NO ONE deserves to be treated the way your man has treated you... and if you think low of yourself, you need to do something to improve yourself so that you will not put all up with this guy's abuse.

The only reason I feel like i should post this is b/c I was with someone for almost 4 years who was verbally abusive and was mean and insensitive. I got rid of him and found a wonderful man and I can't imagine why in the world I stayed with my jerk exboyfriend for so long.




Edited 9/29/2004 5:21 pm ET ET by batharine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 6:11pm
I am 23 years old. And thank you for your advice, batharine. I know I can do better than him & I "know" I deserve better. I'm just hoping that he'll change... I know I can't change him- he'll only change if he wants to. Same for me... I want to change my ways. I can do without him & I can do without the drugs. But something's holding me back... I can't figure out what it is. And I do have a low self-esteem. I always have. He has hit me in the past... he never laid a hand on me until I started hitting him (I was physically & sexually abused as a child). You're right, he souldn't be checking out other women infront of me... he shouldn't be fantasizing about other women (even if it's "sometimes") when we're having sex. What hurts it that when I ask him to go down on me, he won't, but when I go down on him, he won't return the favor. It hurts a lot. We have sex once or twice a week... I would have sex more often, but he says he is often too tired (from work). We've been together almost 2 years. I don't know why I continue to put up with his bulls*it. I don't think he will change. He'll continue to do drugs, etc. I want a future with him... why? I don't know. We both have problems- maybe that's why. I can't see myself wanting to be with anyone else-- and I can't see him with another woman. Thinking about it makes me want to cringe. (<-------- did I spell that right?) And no, my post is not FAKE.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 7:34pm

Many men do fantasize about other women during sex..it seems natural and does not mean that your husband does not love, admire or desire you. If, this a great majority of the time, however, it can indicate that there is a problem and should be attended to.


I can understand that it would make you feel uneasy and unwanted. Talk to him about it further, without blaming or criticixing him. Just find out more about what's going on. Listen to what he tells you. Decide together what's the best way to go about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:21pm
When you say that men fantasize about other women during sex, do you mean that they picture themselves having sex with someone else at the time? I can't understand why my man fantasizes/ thinks about anyone else other than me... this is like a slap in the face... it hurts a lot. Now that every time we have sex, I can't help but to think to myself, "I wonder if he's thinking about me or another chic." Wouldn't it suck if your man told you that sh*t?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:34pm
I need to find a different man. Bottom line.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:23pm
Please answer my question... when you say that men fantasize about other women, do you mean they're picturing f*cking another woman while having sex with you? Somebody please answer me... I am so CONFUSED!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 2:15am
I know you don't like my replies but I know what everyone is trying to tell you. When I guy says he is fantasizing about another women while you guys are having sex, yes, it means that he is picturing he is having sex with someone other than you (the porn star you mentioned in the original post) instead of you. I don't think this means he doesn't love you or want to have sex with you, I think they do it for variety or to make it seem more kinky? I don't know. But all I can do is answer your question with yes, that means he is picturing someone other than you. (I don't think you should take it personally though, because from what I know almost every guy does this....unfortunatly.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:20pm
Oh ok, I guess I'm cool with that. I can't stop him from fantasizing. It's his brain! lol As long as he's having sex with me & me ONLY, then everything's GRAVY, baby! lol

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