Father -in-law hit my son, very long....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Father -in-law hit my son, very long....
3
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:50am
My husband and I have 2 children ages 2 and a 1/2 son and 10 month old daughter. My relationship with mother-in-law has been superb. My father-in-law and I are like oil and water unfortunately. Before the children were born, my dh and I decided that the only time we the relationship between his or my parents and the kids would get "wierd" is if #1 they hit the children or #2 they did not let us know where the whereabouts of our children were or they lied to us about where the kids were. And it would be at this point that visitation would be limited and babysitting would cease. And it was at this time (before the children were born) that we expressed this to the in-laws.

Unfortunately, my son is still having issues with the baby and is very jealous of her. My son also has a strong tendency to hit the baby and when he is frustrated with the attention put forth to her he will also hit adults. This is a problem we are working on. I have mentioned to my dd's parents that I EXPECT and ALLOW them to put my son in time-out if he hits or displays any aggression towards another person.

Ok, so this past weekend they came in town so that they could babysit one evening while my dh and I had a date night. The following evening, my FIL told me that he smacked the back of my son's head the night before because my son hit his sister. Well, I told him in a non-yelling, but emotion-packed tone that that upset me very much and that the only people who can spank my son are his father and myself. He then told me that he could not control himself because that is the way he raised his children. I then told him that I don't feel comfortable with his watching our children if he can't control himself. Then he said "well, don't let us watch them." I then said "that's exactly what I'm going to do"

Then I told MIL what just happened and then FIL came in the room trembling and full of rage stated "I did not hit your son, I thumped him on the back of the head, if I had hit him, he would not be alive today." Honestly, at this point, I thought he was going to hit me, and my fight or flight response was to put my hands on my hip and give him a "bring it on! I dare you to fight mother bear" face and I said in a non-attractive, sarcastic way "that's something to brag about"

The heightened problem is this: my husband is now starting to change his mind about whether we should stick to this earlier rule that we discussed prohibiting babysitting. He has always had a tendency to be persuaded by his father. I feel that our marriage is truly going to end because of this. the in-law issue has always been a hot topic in our relationship. He stated to his father 4 days after the heated event that he understands why his father had this knee-jerk reaction and that MIL and FIL should place our son in time-out in the name of consistency. Before DH had this conversation with my in-laws he told me that he was going to tell FIL that he overstepped the line and it is not his job to be the parents. Well, clearly, to me these are not the same conversational goals. I agree that my son provokes this response, and does my son deserve a spank, YES! I feel this even though I don't spank him when he hits so that he doesn't get a confused message. Do I spank him 2 times on the bottom for other things? YES!

The issue is that no one else besides mother and father are to spank. I don't think this is unreasonable and I am at my wit's end because I am dismayed at my DH's tendency to cower before his parents. So, DH told them to be consistent with our ways. So now in-laws will see me or Dad spank and then they're going to get the feeling that they can spank too in the name of consistency.

Any thoughts, please. Please don't feel obligated to reciprocate a lengthy response. Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:16am
I think your decisions about prohibiting baby-sitting in certain cases, and the rules governing it are totally reasonable. It sounds like your FIL is an intimidating man. Your husband is also a grown man now, but he no doubt remembers all the times he was intimidated and under the control of your FIL. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical, and it sounds like there was both. Your FIL can probably get much more violent than he's shown to you so far and your husband is probably still afraid of him on some level, even though rationally he knows there's no real reason to be afraid. I would suggest counseling for your husband just to help him address those unhealed emotions, because it sounds like he's acquiescing to his father even though it isn't necessarily what he wants to do. Maybe you could join in the counseling with him so you could travel the journey together. You may be able to see your husband in a whole new light and learn to love and appreciate him even more. I certainly hope this issue doesn't break-up your marriage, because your FIL doesn't deserve to have that kind of power. Very best wishes!
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:10pm
I think that you are 100% justified in prohibiting your inlaws from babysitting. You have GOT to stand up for the welfare of your kids even if it pisses people off.

IMO, the thumping on the back of the head is not that big of an issue. I'm not trying to trivialize it or anything because I think your FIL was definitely in the wrong. If things stopped there, your FIL appologized and said he would make sure it didn't happen again, then I think you could try having them babysit some more. Sometimes it takes a little bit for people to get on the same page about stuff and it takes the older generation a little while to learn new ways of disciplining kids.

Your FIL's response to the whole thing is very troubling to me - his response is what would make me refuse to leave the kids with them. He told you that he could not control himself and later went into a rage when the subject was brought up again saying that if he had hit your son, your son would be dead. This is serious. The man has been out of control twice over this issue and you can't have out of control people taking care of your kids. I understand that it is difficult to deal with a jealous 2 year old, but that is no excuse to hit a child or go into a rage. Besides, how in the WORLD does a child learn not to hit by being hit? I have never understood that. But that's a side issue.

I don't know what to do about your husband, but he will have to come around to your point of view because you can't allow your kids to be in the care of an out of control person.

This whole thing reminds me of the issue my parents had over me spending time with my dad's mom and her husband. They drink. They don't get smashed or anything, but they drink regularly. My grandma wanted to take me on a trip with them, which my parents allowed on the condition that they NOT drink and drive. They promised they wouldn't. We had a blast and when I came home I told my parents all about the trip, including that my grandma's husband liked to drive with a drink can in his lap. I thought this was odd because wouldn't it get warm that way? My mom knew that this was a beer can and not only did he drink and drive, he was drinking WHILE driving. That was the absolute end of my vacations with them. It pissed my grandma off royally and my dad, not wanting to make his mom mad, tried to pretend that it wasn't that bad and that they should give his mom another chance. My mom basically said no way in hell was she going to let her child go on a trip with someone who drinks while driving and if my dad didn't like it, he could lump it. She was quite unpopular with my grandma for a very long time and my parents had big fights about this - I was in elementary school at the time so I was old enough to know what was going on. But this was about the welfare of her kid and she wasn't going to compromise for anybody. My dad got over it eventually. I don't know if my grandma ever did. But the important thing was I wasn't hurtling down the interstate in a car with a drunk at the wheel and survived my childhood. I also learned how to stand up for what was right even if it was unpopular.

I think sometimes there are situations where you cannot compromise because the stakes are too high. This situation with your out of control FIL is one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:50pm

i agree with the others about not letting the inlaws baby sit - at least for now. unfortunately this whole issue escalated - IMHO it should not have even been a DISCUSSION. *YOU* (you and DH) are the parents and YOU are the ones who make the decisions (unless, of course, it was an emergency situation, which this wasn't). there should not even BE any discussion about who is or is not allowed to spank, and why, etc.