Father-in-Law's funeral & ex-girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Father-in-Law's funeral & ex-girlfriend
12
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 6:00pm
Last night I was having a discussion with my husband and he told me that during the time his father passed away, I was not supportive. I was not supportive because I called him and told him that I felt he didn't want me to be there (we live in california and his family in Missouri). I wasn't able to go with him because of my job. Then he told me I wasn't supportive because his ex-girlfriend was upset that she did not know about the funeral and couldn't go and it's my fault. It is my fault because I asked him not to go see her and he didn't. He didn't know where she lived and lost all contact with her. But he said he could have went to her mother's house to find her.

About a month or so ago, this ex-girlfriend went looking for him and went to his family's house. She got our phone number here in California and when they talked on the phone, I guess she expressed being upset that he didn't come see her when he was there and that she didn't know about his fathers passing. So, is it my fault that she didn't go to the funeral? He seems like he's more upset that she didn't get to go and not me.

Yeah, I asked him not to go seek her out because I didn't see what the point was in seeing an old girlfriend. Is that wrong? I thought the point was to go back and be with his family during this difficult time. But later on I found out he went to a strip club. I told him that I have no control over him, he was like 2000 miles away and he didn't have to listen to me and he could have went and did anything he wanted while he was there.

So I'm taking it pretty badly that he's blaming me for the ex not going and that in turn makes me unsupportive. I asked him if those two things meant that I was just overall unsupportive and he said yes. I guess he would rather focus on that instead of me being there for him, giving him my shoulder to cry on, asking questions about what his father was like and how is family was doing and lastly, writing him a letter expressing my sorrow at his loss. I am so hurt by all of this. I've been crying all day over this. I can't express my pain to my husband or show any tears because he will say I turned it all around to get pity. As he says, it is "whoa me." I have made this a "whoa it's all about me" thing. How do I deal with this? What should I do? Should I feel like I'm a crappy wife? Is it wrong for me to feel like my husband hates me?

dprsdwife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 6:51pm
Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. Individuals are unique in how they experience this event. The aching pain of bereavement can last for years.

Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss. There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to loss. Some are healthy coping mechanisms and some may hinder the grieving process. It is important to realize that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process. Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn this loss.

Can you discuss feelings such as loneliness, anger, and sadness openly and honestly with your husband? It is fairly common to experience some feelings of anger following a death of a loved one. Frequently this anger will be directed towards others.

Understand that grieving people are very likely to have emotional setbacks, even after a long period of healing and outward "improvement." Something could spark a memory that causes them to spiral downwards--dates that were important in the loved one's life, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, are often triggers for setbacks. There is often an inability to maintain an interest in those other relationships and activities which formerly provided pleasure.

The death of his father is a great loss, and it is necessary to acknowledge it, not only to one's self but also to others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 8:37pm
You completely ignored everything I wrote.

I hope I can get some other useful replies. Although I appreciate your response, I didn't need a definition of grief and a lesson on grief management.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:34pm
I think your husband is still grieving and blaming you for lack of support is his way of shifting his feelings from grief for his father to being upset with you (and an excuse to keep you at arms length).

I think you should bring up the idea of marriage counseling. It will help you with your feelings and hopefully give him a place to deal with his grief.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:38pm
Let me see if I understand yoru post correctly:

Your husband told you that when his father passed away, you were not supportive. His reasons were that you weren't at the funeral, and specified that he was not allowed to inform his former girlfriend of the death, as in your mind, doing so would be "pointless". According to what you posted, those were the reasons he gave you for feeling a lack of support from you.

You told your husband he was not allowed to visit with, or look up his former girlfriend while grieving for his father. Though he did not see her then, she eventually was able to contact him.

The former girlfriend expressed to your husband what she was saddened at not being able to pay respects to the family by knowing about and subsequently attending the funeral.

Your husband blames you for your advance requirement that he not try to contact his former girlfriend, who, if in the same area, could have shown her caring, respect, concern and support for him and his family by attending the services.

When you husband went along with your demands, he felt upset, hurt, and unsupported by you, his wife. You then informed him that, although he DID honor your request, he in fact (as you said) "didn't have to listen to me and he could have went and did anything he wanted."

You feel you offered your support to him in ways you were comfortable with: "giving him my shoulder to cry on, asking questions about what his father was like and how is family was doing and lastly, writing him a letter"

Despite the things you feel you did that you considered supportive, your HUSBAND'S IDEA of support is vastly different from yours.

Because of your husband's loss, grief, sorrow, hurt, pain, it is quite likely (and normal when a man loses his father) that he is still feeling deeply lost and alone.

You write you cannot express the pain your husband's behavior who, in the midst of grieving for his father, has caused you and that you are crying all day. Are you showing tears due to sharing the pain your HUSBAND feels? Or are you crying because you feel your husband didn't appreciate your idea of support?

You end by asking: "Should I feel like I'm a crappy wife?" No, you should re-think how you comfort and support a man who has lost his father. You use forgiveness and compassion and strength and comfort when he lashes out in pain.

You could take a little more time to understand the grieving process so that when your husband doesn't "snap out of it" within a time frame you feel is acceptable- you will understand (hence my information on GRIEF that you more or less found useless)

"Is it wrong for me to feel like my husband hates me?" Yes, I would offer the opinion that it is wrong to decide to take this all "personally" and make it about your feelings.

I would re-think my demands of "allowing" whom I thought my mourning husband should or should not see when I myself didn't pull out all the stops, break my neck and back, and bend over backwards 10 times to be able to BE with him during his time of loss at the funeral.

I would guess that this man was his ONLY father-- it's a shame you weren't able to take a few days off work to be with him. If your husband resents your behaviors and actions, then as part of the grieving process, he is entitled to mull over the events surrounding his father's death.

Warm regards

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 7:23pm
Wow, interesting.

This was an ex-girlfriend. An ex. She was not close with the family and it is in my opinion that she should not have been the one to offer my husband the kind of support he needed. He didn't want to go find her so that she could come to the funeral anyways. He just wanted to see her, and to me, as his wife, the current woman in his life, I see no point in seeing an old girlfriend. He wishes that I not see my ex's, so why can't I request the same from him?

I do support my husband and do not feel pain because he didn't appreciate my support. I know that my husband said all those things out of anger. He's angry over the fact that I was not happy with the idea of him seeing an old flame. The discussion about me not being supportive was in response to the whole ex-girlfriend issue. This woman just recently split up from her husband, and it is not wrong for me to ponder why is she now seeking out my husband now that she is single. When she was married, she didn't try to find him.

I just disagree with you that I had no right, as you say to make "demands" of who my husband could or could not see when he went back home. It wasn't a demand. I asked him not to do it. And he didn't. So why complain about it now?

Also, as for my job, maybe you don't work, but I was a new employee and not entitled to bereavement leave. A short time before my father in law passed away, my mother had a stroke as a result of heart surgery and my employers denied, DENIED, my request for a day off to go to the hospital for my mother. When I requested the time off to go with my husband, my request was denied yet again. My husband and I talked about it and decided that it was important to keep my job. So, I think you are a little presumptuous on many of the things you said. Perhaps because you felt insulted that I didn't share your lust for grief management, that you felt it necessary to use a negative, attacking tone.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 7:38pm
You wrote: "So, I think you are a little presumptuous on many of the things you said. Perhaps because you felt insulted that I didn't share your lust for grief management, that you felt it necessary to use a negative, attacking tone."

I also feel it is "little presumptuous" for you to call my reply in any way a "negative, attacking tone".

You don't have to agree with somone's feelings and viewpoint to behave respectfully. I get the impression you aren't willing to understand anyone's feelings but your own.

It leads one to wonder if you believe that there shall be "No feelings before mine" and if you don't agree with my feelings, or my words don't make sense to you, then my words/feelings have no validity. Which may very well explain your husband's position towards you.

Though you thought you wrote with caring and generosity about your husband, it was clear you harbored an undertone hinting at hostility below the surface.

I can see now that the last approach you are willing and prepared to take is INTROSPECTION, and I regret wasting any time responding to a person such as yourself.

Please don't feel the need to reply to me- I shall engage the block/ignore feature and will not be viewing anymore of your postings.





iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:38pm
Well obviously, I have offended falucchi. And in defense of that, falucchi feels it necessary to attack. Do you always attack someone who just doesn't agree with you or find your ramblings useful? Well, I can't really blame you for your ignorance. I am sorry that I did not find your original psycho-babble in any way helpful or responsive to what was written. I was seeking out every sort of opinion, just not the nasty tone falucchi provided. So, ignore me! I'm grateful! Now I won't have to read any more of your boring psycho-babble and mean-tempered messages. Good riddens! And I wonder what your relationship problems are. I'm sure many.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 2:03am
I totally agree with her opinion in the first post. If you trusted your husband, it shouldn't have mattered if he wanted to speak with someone from his past. You go on to say that you ponder her reasons for seeking out your hubby, but does that matter? It all goes back to your trust for him. Maybe you should be more willing to listen to other people's opinions and feelings because the way you got so defensive when told that you might be wrong in this situation leaves no doubt in my mind why your hubby feels the way he does. "Sorry that your father died, and I know you need support, but DO NOT talk to this girl who wants to pay her respects to your family and find out how you are doing!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 2:08am
You didn't come here for advice, and you are shooting down everyone that posts to you. You just want someone to tell you that you were right. Maybe you do need a lesson on dealing with grief, not being so self-centered, and showing support to people who need it. If this is how you act towards your husband, NO KIDDING he is having such issues with you. YOU ACT LIKE IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU! He was dead on when he said "whoah is me" because you sound like a "me, me, me" type of person. Ugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 12:36am
I am sorry that some people do not know how to read. If it is your mission to bash someone, you have lofty goals. I know that the two people who have responded to my messages with negativity and attacks do not represent what this forum is all about. This is acutally the first time I had to deal with ignorant and hateful responses.

Thank you everyone else who added positivity and UNDERSTANDING.

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