Fearful of the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2012
Fearful of the past
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:16am

Ok... I have quite the story to tell!

In April I started dating a man named Vince.  He was wonderful and we had some great times together although we ere very opposite.  I was looking for a relationship and he was not.  I am a artsy and creative girl where he is a pilot and likes to be out with the guys having drinks.  We did have a lot of fun though and shared a lot of laughs together!  We ended up going our seperate ways after a few months of dating.

August 7th was the last time we spoke.

Four weeks ago I received a text message from an unknow number saying "Hey its Vince."  My first reaction was "Why are you contacting me?"  He explained to me that he was in an accident on August 13 and was getting better.  Not believing him I called my father, who is a coroner in the city where Vince was in the accident.  It turns out Vince was in a deadly plane crash where only him and pilot who was flying survived.  My father was the coroner on his case.  Vince was then in a three month coma and had just woken up from it a week prior to texting me and had full blown amnesia.... but remembered me. 

Vince and I continued to text back and forth that evening and decided to meet the next day.  When I went to meet him I was very scared.  I didnt know what to expect.  When I picked him up (as he cant drive for another while) he looked the same, but a lot thinner.  We drove to a local restaurant and spent the night talking.  It was amazing catching up and hearing about his recovery and what he knew about his accident.  He then said to me "Remember how I didnt want a relationship before?  Well I want one now."  So we agreed on being a couple again.  It has been four weeks since then and his recovery has been incredible!!  We spend every evening together and Ive spent a few evenings in the hospital snuggling in his bed (He is now out of the hospital and living in a rehab facility and in January will be back in his own place).  He has had all his surgeries and is recovery wonderfully!  His memory is coming back and I am beyond excited for him!!!  Its fantastic watching someone get excited when they remember their life.

So here is the kicker....

I fear he wil go back to his old life and want his old life back when he is better.  He has said many times he cant wait until he is better and can have his old life back and be out drinking with his friends... but he also says he cant wait for his life back but with me in it.  I am holding my feelings back as I do worry he will go back to his old ways once hes better.  Am I being a total idiot?  Or am I being realistic?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:35am

Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

Look at it this way: one of the first things he did when he came out of the coma was to contact you, not make a date to go drinking with his boys.  That should say something to you... something really significant.

Ask him how much of his old life is he intending upon picking up again, with regards to his friends, etc.  I wouldn't be surprised if those days of carousing with his boys will be scaled back considerably.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 8:39pm

I say don't worry about things you have no control over. No one knows if he will revert to his past ways or if he will move on to something greater. As was previously pointed out, he has experienced a tremendous life changing event. He may have realized just how precious his time and his life are. He wants you to be a part of that. If you worry about the future and what his behavior may be you will not enjoy the here and now. The here and now is all we are guaranteed in this life. So i say enjoy your precious moments together and deal with issues as they arrive. Nothing good comes from fear and worry. You are both given a second chance together, so take full advantage of it. When you find yourself worrying and fearing the worst, let it go. Refocus your thoughts on the here and now and take it a day at a time.

Be well always,


Be Well Always,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 3:04pm
Only time will tell if he's going to revert back to his old ways once his health gets back to normal. You should just date him with NO expectations for now cause that way you won't get hurt if he does. Good Luck
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 7:02am

I don't think you're being an idiot but I do think it is unlikely that he'll go back to his old lifestyle. However much he remembers about himself, he has been through a very significant, life-changing event. He nearly died and he was in a coma for months - this has probably changed him and his perspective on life significantly, permanently. He's been given a second chance and he's probably thinking that he's not going to take things for granted anymore. He's not going to take for granted that he has all the time in the world before he settles down and is ready for commitment because now he knows he doesn't have all the time in the world for that. The fact that you're one of the first things about his life that he remembered might have made him realize that maybe there is something special about you. And the fact that you are the one who has been there with him for much of his recovery and supporting him is not something he'll take lightly.