Feel hopeless and alone. Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-1998
Feel hopeless and alone. Please help!
14
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 2:24pm

I’m sad and thought I would turn to you lovely ladies to see if you might be able to offer me some advice.

I just turned 40 three days ago. Turning 40 wasn’t such a big deal but the symbolism of it all and the timing in terms of where I am in my life has been difficult for me. I feel like my life and my dreams have passed me by. All my life I dreamt of having a family. Now that I am 40 and have no children it is hitting me hard and I am realizing that my window of opportunity is getting smaller by the minute. I did get married and that did not work out and I guess it is a good thing that we did not have kids since we are divorced and he lives in another country. However, the dreams I had as a child, as a teenager and as a young adult never fully materialized as I had hoped (even regards to my career) and now I am feeling a deep, deep sadness and loss that is permeating my existence.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 2:48pm

If you're so concerned about having a baby, why are you "stuck" in a relationship with a man who doesn't want children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 2:56pm

Hi;

I def. know how you feel in many ways... I am 57 and female and now due to divorce and other things am living with my sis and mom.. I am out of work and have no man in my life for three years .. This is not how I want my life to go either and I want to run away all the time but I dont know how to do it.. I am fortunate in that I do have a son but he is an adult now..

Okay; Back to you... Here are some ideas for you...

Are you in the US?? What about a foster child? If that doesnt work and you are so wanting a child and your boyfriend is not supportive i would get rid of the bfriend.. but that is me. I am not you.

If you do find a way to adopt or find a foster child you are going to have to support that child. I was a single parent and I did it. It was tough and challenging but it can be done. My friend does it and she works full time .. Her daycare though is very expensive. You have to weigh out all of the pros and cons.. Can you afford a child and work? How much is the sperm bank?

Oh; and you are 40 now and raising a child takes a ton of energy and all.. Do you have family and friends around to support you?

That saying it takes a village to raise a child is very true.. So a foster child who is already in school could be a better option.(just an idea)

Sounds like your boyfriend is not fullfilling any of your needs and he sounds like dead weight.. So I would most likely get rid of him and find someone more lively and happy and who supports

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2011
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 3:02pm
Excuse me? A child of the wrong race? I find that so offensive, there is NO wrong race, only the wrong racist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 3:02pm

I have to agree with fissatore that it is taking a lot of energy out of you to BE this sad and depressed... It must hurt a lot to live like that. but you don't have to. You could take that energy and use it to motivate yourself to leave this relationship because it's not what you want. If you want kids, then have them. The time to do that is now. This isn't what you envisioned when you were younger, but you would need a time machine in order to have everything the way you used to want it, and that's not reasonable. You're focusing on how hard reality is without really putting any true effort into making your life better for yourself. You could spend your time depressed and wishing things were different, or you could seize control and start making changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 3:11pm

I can understand how you feel if you're 40, always wanted kids and now it's looking like you probably aren't going to have any.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 2:31am

I can understand that you feel your clock is running out and your desire to have kids. But before you run out and start trying to adopt a kid especially with someone who is not interested, I think you should get some counseling and make sure you are mentally stable and able to care for a child. You sound as if you are dealing with some depresion issues and unhappiness with your life. Then to bring a child into that would not be fair to the child or your frankly.

Some people think that having a child will make everyting ok in there life and fill an empty void, but kids should compliment your life and not be the fixer of whats wrong in your life. Having a child in more than a notion and should be thought out carefully and not rushed into because of a biological clock ticking.

Before you embark on having a child I strongly urge you to get counseling and above all don't bring a child into a household where

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 12:48pm

I so agree with your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 8:02pm
Well, I'm 45 and alone. I did marry in my young 20s and have a son, but guess what? He grew up and now he's out of the house and I'm childless again, just like I was in my 20s. I see my son once every 2 months and that's it. I have no boyfriend or husband and I'm not currently dating. So here's what I've chosen to do.

I didn't like where I was living, so I packed up and moved to another state. I don't like my current apartment and I'm not crazy about my job, so I'm moving in a few weeks and I'm sending out resumes. I got tired of sitting home alone with no friends so I joined a few singles groups (NOT dating groups!) that are specifically for those 35 and over and I am attending events. I attend alone, but I always find some neat people to talk to. I made a couple of good friends at work and I meet up with them every 2 weeks or so for dinner or happy hour. I go to the local bar to watch football (again, I go alone) and I have fun cheering for my favorite team along with other fans of the same team. I put on some weight so I am dieting and exercising.

The point I'm trying to make is, it's one thing to complain about being unhappy with your life, but what are you going to DO about it? If you want a child and your current boyfriend doesn't, I'd rethink the relationship. You are going to have a child one way or another (I am being optimistic here) and he's not interested, so he'd end up fading away anyway. There's options for those who want a child that others have mentioned. My aunt and uncle-in-law adopted 2 girls in their 50s! The contacted an agency that set up an open, private adoption with a young girl who chose them to adopt her child. I know single women who have adopted by answering ads. So it can be done and it doesn't have to cost thousands. Or, as others suggested, become a foster parent to perhaps a toddler or a grade-school age child.

As for the job, what is stopping you from looking for a new job? I live in the state with the highest unemployment in the country and I've managed to be offered 4 different jobs, so it can be done.

Remember, if you change nothing, nothing changes. Go do it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 10:51am

Excuse me too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 12:09pm

I think the wording may have thrown off the other poster but I got what you meant. when adopting a child, race is sometimes an important factor. Sometimes it's not. That's up to the OP. I hope this thread doesn't turn into a racial debate!

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