Feel hopeless and alone. Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-1998
Feel hopeless and alone. Please help!
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 2:24pm

I’m sad and thought I would turn to you lovely ladies to see if you might be able to offer me some advice.

I just turned 40 three days ago. Turning 40 wasn’t such a big deal but the symbolism of it all and the timing in terms of where I am in my life has been difficult for me. I feel like my life and my dreams have passed me by. All my life I dreamt of having a family. Now that I am 40 and have no children it is hitting me hard and I am realizing that my window of opportunity is getting smaller by the minute. I did get married and that did not work out and I guess it is a good thing that we did not have kids since we are divorced and he lives in another country. However, the dreams I had as a child, as a teenager and as a young adult never fully materialized as I had hoped (even regards to my career) and now I am feeling a deep, deep sadness and loss that is permeating my existence.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2008
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 7:50pm

Hay Borrkita,

I am a 47 year old woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Wed, 11-30-2011 - 6:05pm

I'm not a woman but I am a father who has enjoyed being a dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 11-30-2011 - 1:21pm

oh; My..

You are the same poster that posted about not having kids and wanting to run away.. Now it all makes more sense to me. If you are being abused then the story changes.

I know exactly why you are feeling the way you feel. You want to change your life, job, get a baby but the underlying dilemma is that you are being abused by your boyfriend.. I was in an abusive marriage (now divorced) and it makes you feel like you cant think clearly. I was always looking for ways outside of myself to fix what I thought was me.. but little did I know it was the abuse I was taking from my ex.. We all seem to look for external things to make us happy when we are in abusive relationships. I used to have a job traveling so that alleviated alot of the abuse from my ex. I did all of the outward things I could do to think this would help me. Guess what?? It never did.

Please dont bring a baby into this mix.. but look for ways to find your way out from this current relationship.. Get into some individual counseling or call a domestic abuse hotline and see what programs or classes or someone you can speak with concerning his abuse. This will lead you into a direction of peace within yourself and you will find your way out step by step. Trust me when I got out of my abusive marriage my life turned in a so much better direction. It was hard at first but I no longer looked for outside sources to make me happy.. I searched within and found all of the resources I needed where in me and me alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 11-29-2011 - 5:18pm

Brookita, I've bumped this post because it missed it the first time around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 12:09pm

I think the wording may have thrown off the other poster but I got what you meant. when adopting a child, race is sometimes an important factor. Sometimes it's not. That's up to the OP. I hope this thread doesn't turn into a racial debate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 10:51am

Excuse me too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 8:02pm
Well, I'm 45 and alone. I did marry in my young 20s and have a son, but guess what? He grew up and now he's out of the house and I'm childless again, just like I was in my 20s. I see my son once every 2 months and that's it. I have no boyfriend or husband and I'm not currently dating. So here's what I've chosen to do.

I didn't like where I was living, so I packed up and moved to another state. I don't like my current apartment and I'm not crazy about my job, so I'm moving in a few weeks and I'm sending out resumes. I got tired of sitting home alone with no friends so I joined a few singles groups (NOT dating groups!) that are specifically for those 35 and over and I am attending events. I attend alone, but I always find some neat people to talk to. I made a couple of good friends at work and I meet up with them every 2 weeks or so for dinner or happy hour. I go to the local bar to watch football (again, I go alone) and I have fun cheering for my favorite team along with other fans of the same team. I put on some weight so I am dieting and exercising.

The point I'm trying to make is, it's one thing to complain about being unhappy with your life, but what are you going to DO about it? If you want a child and your current boyfriend doesn't, I'd rethink the relationship. You are going to have a child one way or another (I am being optimistic here) and he's not interested, so he'd end up fading away anyway. There's options for those who want a child that others have mentioned. My aunt and uncle-in-law adopted 2 girls in their 50s! The contacted an agency that set up an open, private adoption with a young girl who chose them to adopt her child. I know single women who have adopted by answering ads. So it can be done and it doesn't have to cost thousands. Or, as others suggested, become a foster parent to perhaps a toddler or a grade-school age child.

As for the job, what is stopping you from looking for a new job? I live in the state with the highest unemployment in the country and I've managed to be offered 4 different jobs, so it can be done.

Remember, if you change nothing, nothing changes. Go do it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 12:48pm

I so agree with your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 09-17-2011 - 2:31am

I can understand that you feel your clock is running out and your desire to have kids. But before you run out and start trying to adopt a kid especially with someone who is not interested, I think you should get some counseling and make sure you are mentally stable and able to care for a child. You sound as if you are dealing with some depresion issues and unhappiness with your life. Then to bring a child into that would not be fair to the child or your frankly.

Some people think that having a child will make everyting ok in there life and fill an empty void, but kids should compliment your life and not be the fixer of whats wrong in your life. Having a child in more than a notion and should be thought out carefully and not rushed into because of a biological clock ticking.

Before you embark on having a child I strongly urge you to get counseling and above all don't bring a child into a household where

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 3:11pm

I can understand how you feel if you're 40, always wanted kids and now it's looking like you probably aren't going to have any.