Feel incomplete without a man in my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Feel incomplete without a man in my life
8
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:36am
Hey, i wrote in before with problems with my ex. I have now got him completely out of my life, feeling very upset but know it was for the best. But i have realised that im not upset because of losing him, im upset that i dont have a man in my life. Why do i feel this need to constantly have a boyfriend? Since the age of 16 i have had a boyfriend (im now 21) I have jumped from one relationship to the next. Now i have no one, im not dating anyone because i know that i will just get myself into another relationship and people keep telling me to be on my own to 'find myself'. But i hate being single, and im so depressed. Im only happy when a guy talks to me, how sad is that? Can some1 explain to me why im like this? Is it because i dont have a Father in my life or any brothers. I have no male role models in my life, does this play a part? PLEASE HELP ME! I dont wanna be this pathetic, wanna be able to enjoy life without a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:12am
Honey,

you arent any more different than the rest of us. I wish that there was some way that any of us on the far side of 21 could show you what you have open to you at that young age. You are so stinking lucky and like we did, you dont see it, lol.

You want a man because you want love which in turn means acceptance (or should). But, youre not yet who you will be. You only just got out of school about three years ago and the world is just now opening itself.

The best thing that you can do is to find things that you like and be quite more than a bit selfish with what you want to do. Focus on you, become a woman who will be ready for everything that happens in your life. Reality and all the ?fun? that comes with committment will happen later. Kids, bills, house payments, laundry, cooking, yadda yadda, lol.

The thing is that right now, all that you have is you and believe me, alot of us would switch iwth you to use what you dont want (because what you dont see will be sorely missed later).

Get yourself a job, which in turn will help you meet friends, go out with those friends, get a place of your own, walk naked through the house eating three day old pizza if you want. Its your choice. If you want to take a 3 hour bath, do it. If you want to spend all day at the movies watching all the new releases, do it. If you want to go to college, do it.

Not having a dad or brothers could easily make you more curious about the male animal, lol, but the truth is that they arent as different as we are. They want love, acceptance, fun, and a good life. We just relate from different places. Men are more mind focused women are more heart-focused. Ask a question to a man and a woman side by side and you will generally hear somethng along the lines of this. Man says "I think..." Woman says, "I feel..." Thats the main difference. Thats why we can work so well together, or can be at great odds. But at the base, what men need are the same as women, because those are HUMAN desires - the others are just extras.

Just be selfish for YOU right now, before everyone else starts asking for your time, your attention, your whole center to be focused on them. You wont get this back. At first, just do things that you never got to but wanted to. Get OUT, force yourself. Before you know it, it gets fun.

The thing is that you consider being without a man to be lonely. The problem is that you can be every bit as lonely WITH one as without if they dont treat you nicely. Dont use them to justify your existence, make it to where they become an asset to your existence. You dont want to build your world around another imperfect human being. Do not define yourself by someONE, define it by the things that make you stronger.

As long as you let yourself be tricked into thinking that youre only a good person when youre part of a matched set, you will be left feeling empty. The emptiness is in YOU though, honey and its time to fill it up with some experience.

Be choosy with whom you let near your heart. You are a value all by yourself, and a great one. Dont let others be so quick to tear you down - that happens anyway. But you need to get yourself to a point to where you KNOW you dont need them, you just choose them. Hope I helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:26am
Thank you for your advice, I think i've been tricking my mind into thinking that i can only be happy with a man. I finish University in a month, and I will then be able to get a job. Like you said, this will mean me meeting new friends and going out to new places. So i'm going to stop panicing about feelings alone, and start looking forward to the future. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:44am
You're incomplete without a man because you have your own identity, success, security, happiness, and future caught up in "being in a relationship". Your thinking goes 'if I have a man - my life will turn out alright"...but yet, no matter who you have in your life you're living by their standards, to pursue their goals, to meet their needs, to fulfill their desires, to maintain thier priorities.

they're never meeting your needs - you've never defined them. You just figure that as long as someone likes you - then that's good enough and you'll be whatever they want and need to keep the identity.

Called "lack of self-esteem"...."lack of self-actualizations".....aka - codependency.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:52am

In order to have a truly healthy, fulfilling relationship it is really important to know who you are, andlike an enjoy yourself on your own. Otherwise relationships often become about dependence, fulfilling losses in one's life (such as you mentioned - not having a father), or using the relationship to escape from other painful feelings and experiences. Finding who you are is a life journey - and it goes step by step. It is good that you are aware that just jumping into one relationship after another is not working and will not bring you the completion and happiness you desire. Perhaps it would be good for you to see a counsellor to explore some of the personal issues you are grappling with - such as not having had a father and the longing for one. There are many ways to work with our feelings...you can spend time learning about this and practicing new ways of dealing with the pain and stress life has brought you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:31pm
I can relate, way back when I was 19 - newly divorced, got my own apt and HATED being alone. I had friends, family that lived close, but I couldn't handle living alone. I tired helping friends clean up after parties, hanging out with friends, etc, but going home alone, looking at four bare walls, I would cry endlessly. I ended up in therapy (best thing I ever did), moved home with my parents for about a year or less (I can't recall) just so I wouldn't have to be alone. It was comforting to have someone else there.

Anyway, the road to self-love and liking your own company. Before my current relationship, I lived alone for 6 yrs and loved it. Such a change in perception.

So is it about living alone, being alone, a man, or missing company, not being able to fill your time?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:18pm
Well I live with my Mum, she is at work during the day while i'm at home studying for my degree. So I am alone in the day, but even when she comes home, I still feel lonely. I have lots of friends and i'm always out at weekends going clubbing with them and to the pubs. But, I still come home feeling depressed and upset that I dont have a man. If i do meet someone when i'm out with my friends, that makes my night. And I dont think this is right, I should enjoy just having fun with my friends but I cant seem to do that. I'm only happy when i have male attention? I want to change this, but I dont know how?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:53pm
So what drives you is attention...which means you feel only validated as a woman, desirable, when you have male attention... yes, a great part of that is from not having male role models that paid you appropriate attention so you knew (felt and believed) that you were good, lovable, attractive, worthy, etc

All this tells me that you need to work on your self-esteem. Counseling is the fastest way to work on it.

Reading material:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD (Great exercises in this book)

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:05am
Oh ok then, cool. Thank you so much for your help. I'm gonna go try and find myself a good counsellor now.