Feeling alone and taken for granted

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Feeling alone and taken for granted
7
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:34pm
I have a problem and I'm not even sure where to start. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and it was a rocky start...we'd been dating for 6 months when I became pregnant. To make a long story short, he stuck by me and we ended up getting married when our now oldest child was a year old. But I've often wondered over the years if he did it out of obligation. Our relationship has its ups and downs, and I *think* we are slowly growing closer over the years, but we have a huge failure to communicate that is frustrating me to no end. We are complete polar opposites--I'm an emotional person and he's very emotionally distant...too much emotion makes him very uncomfortable. Anyway, he's also a workaholic, very ambitious person always striving for one rung higher.

All in all, he's a very good man... a good father to our two boys, a terrific provider. I think I read somewhere on this board where someone said that on the outside, it would seem that we have the perfect marriage, that I have it made. But on the inside, I am slowly dying. He works so much these days, has so many priorities that I'm beginning to think me and our relationship is on the bottom on that list. Once, years ago, when our youngest son was about a year old, his sister offered to babysit the boys, so that we might go out on a date, get some time for ourselves--he was totally and completely against it...turned her down and said that we didn't need it without even bothering to ask me whether or not I wanted to. That is the perfect example of how he is.

And I just feel like I'm dying. We're slowly drifting apart, and there are days when I seriously wonder if I simply disappeared if he'd even notice at all. He is so wrapped up in himself and his work and his priorities that I often wonder if he realizes that the three of us are standing behind him...and he's slowly leaving us in his dust.

There are times when things look up, when he's more attentive to me and the kids, but they're few and far between, very sporadic and short-lived. It's never anything I can count on.

The thing is, I really do appreciate how hard he works and what he does for us and the kind of life he's made for me and our boys. I tell him this all the time, thank him for everything he does, right down taking the trash out and mowing the lawn. I am ALWAYS praising him.

But without him, this life doesn't mean anything. I'm starting to feel taken for granted and unappreciated. And it leaves me feeling extremely lonely and isolated. I have given up everything for this man. If we actually split up, I don't know what I'd do, because my life literally revolves around his. We see his family at least once a year (and they live far away...we live in the Northwest and they live in the Midwest)...but it's been four years since I saw mine. And I went with just my son, because, again, he couldn't be torn away from his work. Everything seems to revolve around him and his work and his family. Us splitting up scares me to death, simply because I have no idea how I would survive. I have no college degree and haven't worked in at least four years.

I cannot talk to this man. No matter how nicely I try to word things (so it doesn't feel like an attack), or how hard I try not to sound defensive or angry, he always interrupts, never lets me finish, gets really angry and defensive and I end up feeling like it really was all my fault and I was making something out of nothing. He is VERY reluctant to change. So frankly, it's been years since I've spoken up about how unhappy I am with the state of our relationship. I usually put up and shut up and simply accept it.

But I'm at my wits end. I can't take it anymore. I am so lonely. I feel more like I'm in a marriage by myself. There's this man who says he's my husband, but I don't feel it anymore. And I know I need to tell him, that I want things to change. And heck I don't expect miracles. I don't expect him to be perfect. But I can't stand walking on eggshells around him all the time, and pretending like everything is hunky-dorey when it isn't. But I don't know how to talk to him, without him feeling like he's being attacked (cause like I said, I've tried) and him blowing everything way out of proportion.

Can anyone help? How do I talk to him? How do I make him see that I can't go on like this without him jumping to conclusions and thinking that I don't want him at all? I want to make this work, but I just know that he won't see it that way. He'll see it as a personal attack. I love this man. He is my heart and soul, but I just can't live like this anymore. I'm starting to lose myself in this marriage.

I know this is long and a bit conviluted, but I'd greatly appreciate ANY kind of insight! Thanks SOOO much!!

~Lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 4:02pm
Lonely,

I can sympathize with how you feel. I have been in much a simalar situation. Although I can not offer advise on how to fix it. I ended up having an affair with an old BF. That did make him stand up and take notice. Now are working towards being in the best shape of our marriage (13 years next Tuesday). But this is not a fix to any problems. They need to be voiced and worked through. Before it gets to the place that I went to. There is too much pain associated with what I did. You need to make sure you are happy with yourself. You need to commuincate with him no matter how P***y he gets. Because talking now is a lot better than some of the other consequences. This is one lesson we have learned. Now we talk about everything, even what's for dinner. But I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of, more like his room-mate than his wife. I almost left at one point my self esteem had been so low. But I realize now, I love my H but he does not define who I am. Join some groups, you have boys (as do I), get involved in Scouting or join the Little League Board. I too have given up my family for my H, but email is a wonderful invention and it keeps us close. And if you want someone just to listen, I can do that. I may not be a good example of how to handle the situation, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:50pm
Marriage counseling. Now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 10:28pm
Lonely housewife I am sorry for your situation, it sounds like those described by many women that are having an affair. I for one don't believe that women ought to depend on a man for a living. I know small children etc. are a responsibility but a number of things can happen that would change your finances. Your husband could be a car accident, another an illness that comes out of no where, so you need that security of a job skill. Think of what you would like to do if you had never had children or gotten married. Learn how you get qualified to do that job and start finding a college to begin taking courses. Don't get a entry level job that uses all your extra time for little money but use money your husband earns to enjoy life and develop job skills. Study, work out at home or gym, walk, jog, listen to music that you like, visit with friends, in short control what you can which is YOU. Figure out what you need to be totally independant and start working to get there. Right now your husband can take you for granted but he won't be able to when you can walk away any time you want.

Best wishes !!


Edited 9/3/2004 10:33 pm ET ET by txguy2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 1:40am


This all sounds so familiar to me. I'm going to be more of an understanding supporter than someone with good advice about how to "reach him". I lived in a situation very much like yours for years. I felt so lonely. I totally understand.

Like you, I started building my life around my husband (now ex-husband). Eventually, I realized I had lost myself.

I know the loneliness. It's like you've dug yourself into this isolated pit, and you look up and there's your husband with this rope he could lower down, but he won't do it. At that point, you think he's the only one who can. You look back over the years and realize that by making him the center of your life, you've lost touch with your old friends and your extended family.

The one thing I desperately wanted at that time was a man/woman relationship with my husband. I wanted a date. He wouldn't do it. You mentioned having a babysitter lined up, and he declined without asking you. I know exactly how that feels. I had been begging my (now ex) husband for a date for years. A friend of his was having an adults only Christmas party and had childcare arranged for any guest that needed it. He told this person "If my kids aren't invited, I'm not invited." You just feel like saying.....wait...wait...this is our chance...don't you care?

It's hard because you're doing everything you can to make things good for him. You're putting your career goals on hold because you want to do what's best for your family. I'm sure you're thinking like I did.....I can do that later. You're making sacrifices so that your family has the best life possible, and in return, you don't get any respect. It's so very hard mentally.

Then to see your husband's coworkers and such getting so much more consideration and respect than you when you are sacrificing so much of your own life for him.....it's hard to take. This may not be how you feel, but I experienced this.

If you can get into marriage counseling, I would definitely try it. It didn't work for me, but I feel like I did everything possible to save my marriage. What I liked most about the counseling was the therapist was like a translator. If you can find a therapist that can take your concerns and put them in such a way that your husband finally understands how you feel, that would surely help. This type of counseling is sometimes covered 100% by employers who want their employees to be mentally healthy. Maybe it's available through your husband's workplace. I think one of the hardest things is making that first call for an appointment.

I went on for years, mostly in silence about my needs. When I did try to tell him how I felt, it would be viewed as a personal attack on him.....something you know all too well. Coming from a therapist, he may listen.

Please get some sort of training for a decent job while you two are still together. There are a lot of classes and programs that you can complete online or in the evenings. I didn't finish my degree before my divorce, and I hadn't worked outside the home for ten years. I'm able to work from home right now, but I'll be looking for work soon. Employers will look at my application/resume and all they see is a non-steady work history. They don't care that you were raising children. It's not fair, but it's reality. Meanwhile my ex-husband has an engineering degree and has been with his company for twelve years. Now I'm hoping I can find something other than the night shift at wal-mart. Learn from my mistakes.....get training now.

Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk. There should be a link for that somewhere, I know I checked the option of members being able to send me email.

I wish you the best.....



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 2:10am
I think that you need to keep trying to talk to your husband. Because of not communicated well my 10 yr marriage is on the rocks right now. If we could financially do it, he would be out of the house. But he cant leave because I can't afford to support myself. I have three children 9,6,15 mo and have been a stay at home mom. He thinks I can find a job that will pay me 1200 a month. But, I too have no degree and spotty work history. Since we are stuck together we are trying to work through it somewhat. I have found that I too lost myself over the years in my attempt to please him at no cost. I now see that I have to be my own person and live my own life too. Lately I have been the one to force the issues with him and made him talk to me. It actually made him feel better to get things off his chest. So, I think you need to keep trying to talk to him, dont worry about making him mad. Talk right through it, you have to get it out into the open. I also think that he is working so hard because that is his "out", to get away. I understand how you feel about feeling alone and taken for granted. But it is your choice that you are alone. Get out of the house, call someone, email. I am now reaching out to people and found people who want to be there for you and support you. Best wishes to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 9:24am
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better this morning. Things always look better in the morning. I bought that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and I'm hoping it'll help me learn to talk to him. I do have something, career wise, that I'm working toward. I write fiction and I've been studying and honing the craft of writing a good book, and I have an editor at a large publishing company who loves my writing, so according to what everyone tells me, I am close to selling a book (yeah, I think I just wrote that all out mostly so *I* could see it in writing. lol). And writing is something I've discovered that I love, but even if I do sell, it's not something you can really rely on, not to mention it takes years just to get there. And when I wrote that post yesterday, I was in the frame of mind, "What if we split up BEFORE I sell?" So at this point, I still think of it as a hobby.

He does support my writing, knows I'm serious about it. And I do have online friends, in my writers groups. And if I have to be really honest, I have already had an affair. Well, what amounts to one--a cyber affair. Online and phone a few times. It was what sort of woke me up to the sorry state of my marriage and made me decide that I couldn't stand it anymore, and I ended it a week ago.

I've thought about counceling. May still look into it. Depends, I guess, on how perceptive he is to me telling we've got a problem. But while I'm on a mission to improve my marriage, I'm also on a mission to improve myself. I'd volunteer at my oldest's school, but I can't take the youngest with me. But I'm also trying to lose weight, trying to feel better about myself. The biggest thing that bothers me is the lack of communication, the feeling like I'm alone in my marriage, even despite that he calls to talk to me while he's on his way home. Cause half the time this man doesn't talk TO me, he talks AT me, will ask my opinion and do the exact opposite of what I tell him. At one point, he was thinking about moving back home, closer to his family, and the man had his mother and his older sister looking for houses out there before he'd even bothered to tell me about it. Gee, can you tell I've got some built up resentments? lol

Thanks everyone. I don't know where I'll start. Maybe I'll start by writing him a letter, to get things started. Then insisting we sit down and talk. Cause I am just not good at confrontations...my brain just shuts down. He thinks well on his feet, which is where he's got the advantage in a face-to-face talk, cause I get nerous and he interrupts, and then I get all flustered and I'm lucky if I can remember my name. lol. So I was thinking that maybe if I wrote him a letter, I could tell him everything I needed up front.

Thanks again. It helps just knowing that I'm not completely alone.

Okay, posted this then wanted to come back in here and add...I tend to have hermet tendencies. Meaning I'm a very introverted person, and I know I'm not the easiest person to live with sometimes (very moody person, and even *I* know it). So I know I only ascerbate the problem simply because I'm afraid to speak up, afraid to "rock the boat". So I do understand that I created part of the problem, simply because I allowed it. I was just so frustrated when I wrote this post yesterday, because I don't know *how* to talk to him. Getting my feelings across is extremely difficult for me, especially when I'm aggitated.

I also posted this on another board, the "Problem Solving for Couples" board, and a great woman over there gave a TON of help, on how exactly to talk to him without him feeling like I'm attacking him (cause like I said, I get flustered face-to-face, and I *know* things don't come out the way I want them to, and then he gets upset, and things snowball out of control). She's the one who suggested I read "Men are from Mars." And the book gave me the idea of writing him a letter.


~Lonely




Edited 9/4/2004 9:37 am ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 12:36pm


Oh, that Mars and Venus book is the greatest. There's one more book I think you might find helpful. It's called "Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach To Making Your Marriage Loving Again".

Here's a link:


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671797255/qid=1094315345/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/102-2067300-5998505?v=glance&s=books&n=507846


Good Luck!

bluelelle