Feeling alone and taken for granted
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| Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:34pm |
All in all, he's a very good man... a good father to our two boys, a terrific provider. I think I read somewhere on this board where someone said that on the outside, it would seem that we have the perfect marriage, that I have it made. But on the inside, I am slowly dying. He works so much these days, has so many priorities that I'm beginning to think me and our relationship is on the bottom on that list. Once, years ago, when our youngest son was about a year old, his sister offered to babysit the boys, so that we might go out on a date, get some time for ourselves--he was totally and completely against it...turned her down and said that we didn't need it without even bothering to ask me whether or not I wanted to. That is the perfect example of how he is.
And I just feel like I'm dying. We're slowly drifting apart, and there are days when I seriously wonder if I simply disappeared if he'd even notice at all. He is so wrapped up in himself and his work and his priorities that I often wonder if he realizes that the three of us are standing behind him...and he's slowly leaving us in his dust.
There are times when things look up, when he's more attentive to me and the kids, but they're few and far between, very sporadic and short-lived. It's never anything I can count on.
The thing is, I really do appreciate how hard he works and what he does for us and the kind of life he's made for me and our boys. I tell him this all the time, thank him for everything he does, right down taking the trash out and mowing the lawn. I am ALWAYS praising him.
But without him, this life doesn't mean anything. I'm starting to feel taken for granted and unappreciated. And it leaves me feeling extremely lonely and isolated. I have given up everything for this man. If we actually split up, I don't know what I'd do, because my life literally revolves around his. We see his family at least once a year (and they live far away...we live in the Northwest and they live in the Midwest)...but it's been four years since I saw mine. And I went with just my son, because, again, he couldn't be torn away from his work. Everything seems to revolve around him and his work and his family. Us splitting up scares me to death, simply because I have no idea how I would survive. I have no college degree and haven't worked in at least four years.
I cannot talk to this man. No matter how nicely I try to word things (so it doesn't feel like an attack), or how hard I try not to sound defensive or angry, he always interrupts, never lets me finish, gets really angry and defensive and I end up feeling like it really was all my fault and I was making something out of nothing. He is VERY reluctant to change. So frankly, it's been years since I've spoken up about how unhappy I am with the state of our relationship. I usually put up and shut up and simply accept it.
But I'm at my wits end. I can't take it anymore. I am so lonely. I feel more like I'm in a marriage by myself. There's this man who says he's my husband, but I don't feel it anymore. And I know I need to tell him, that I want things to change. And heck I don't expect miracles. I don't expect him to be perfect. But I can't stand walking on eggshells around him all the time, and pretending like everything is hunky-dorey when it isn't. But I don't know how to talk to him, without him feeling like he's being attacked (cause like I said, I've tried) and him blowing everything way out of proportion.
Can anyone help? How do I talk to him? How do I make him see that I can't go on like this without him jumping to conclusions and thinking that I don't want him at all? I want to make this work, but I just know that he won't see it that way. He'll see it as a personal attack. I love this man. He is my heart and soul, but I just can't live like this anymore. I'm starting to lose myself in this marriage.
I know this is long and a bit conviluted, but I'd greatly appreciate ANY kind of insight! Thanks SOOO much!!
~Lonely

I can sympathize with how you feel. I have been in much a simalar situation. Although I can not offer advise on how to fix it. I ended up having an affair with an old BF. That did make him stand up and take notice. Now are working towards being in the best shape of our marriage (13 years next Tuesday). But this is not a fix to any problems. They need to be voiced and worked through. Before it gets to the place that I went to. There is too much pain associated with what I did. You need to make sure you are happy with yourself. You need to commuincate with him no matter how P***y he gets. Because talking now is a lot better than some of the other consequences. This is one lesson we have learned. Now we talk about everything, even what's for dinner. But I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of, more like his room-mate than his wife. I almost left at one point my self esteem had been so low. But I realize now, I love my H but he does not define who I am. Join some groups, you have boys (as do I), get involved in Scouting or join the Little League Board. I too have given up my family for my H, but email is a wonderful invention and it keeps us close. And if you want someone just to listen, I can do that. I may not be a good example of how to handle the situation, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings.
Best wishes !!
Edited 9/3/2004 10:33 pm ET ET by txguy2004
This all sounds so familiar to me. I'm going to be more of an understanding supporter than someone with good advice about how to "reach him". I lived in a situation very much like yours for years. I felt so lonely. I totally understand.
Like you, I started building my life around my husband (now ex-husband). Eventually, I realized I had lost myself.
I know the loneliness. It's like you've dug yourself into this isolated pit, and you look up and there's your husband with this rope he could lower down, but he won't do it. At that point, you think he's the only one who can. You look back over the years and realize that by making him the center of your life, you've lost touch with your old friends and your extended family.
The one thing I desperately wanted at that time was a man/woman relationship with my husband. I wanted a date. He wouldn't do it. You mentioned having a babysitter lined up, and he declined without asking you. I know exactly how that feels. I had been begging my (now ex) husband for a date for years. A friend of his was having an adults only Christmas party and had childcare arranged for any guest that needed it. He told this person "If my kids aren't invited, I'm not invited." You just feel like saying.....wait...wait...this is our chance...don't you care?
It's hard because you're doing everything you can to make things good for him. You're putting your career goals on hold because you want to do what's best for your family. I'm sure you're thinking like I did.....I can do that later. You're making sacrifices so that your family has the best life possible, and in return, you don't get any respect. It's so very hard mentally.
Then to see your husband's coworkers and such getting so much more consideration and respect than you when you are sacrificing so much of your own life for him.....it's hard to take. This may not be how you feel, but I experienced this.
If you can get into marriage counseling, I would definitely try it. It didn't work for me, but I feel like I did everything possible to save my marriage. What I liked most about the counseling was the therapist was like a translator. If you can find a therapist that can take your concerns and put them in such a way that your husband finally understands how you feel, that would surely help. This type of counseling is sometimes covered 100% by employers who want their employees to be mentally healthy. Maybe it's available through your husband's workplace. I think one of the hardest things is making that first call for an appointment.
I went on for years, mostly in silence about my needs. When I did try to tell him how I felt, it would be viewed as a personal attack on him.....something you know all too well. Coming from a therapist, he may listen.
Please get some sort of training for a decent job while you two are still together. There are a lot of classes and programs that you can complete online or in the evenings. I didn't finish my degree before my divorce, and I hadn't worked outside the home for ten years. I'm able to work from home right now, but I'll be looking for work soon. Employers will look at my application/resume and all they see is a non-steady work history. They don't care that you were raising children. It's not fair, but it's reality. Meanwhile my ex-husband has an engineering degree and has been with his company for twelve years. Now I'm hoping I can find something other than the night shift at wal-mart. Learn from my mistakes.....get training now.
Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk. There should be a link for that somewhere, I know I checked the option of members being able to send me email.
I wish you the best.....
He does support my writing, knows I'm serious about it. And I do have online friends, in my writers groups. And if I have to be really honest, I have already had an affair. Well, what amounts to one--a cyber affair. Online and phone a few times. It was what sort of woke me up to the sorry state of my marriage and made me decide that I couldn't stand it anymore, and I ended it a week ago.
I've thought about counceling. May still look into it. Depends, I guess, on how perceptive he is to me telling we've got a problem. But while I'm on a mission to improve my marriage, I'm also on a mission to improve myself. I'd volunteer at my oldest's school, but I can't take the youngest with me. But I'm also trying to lose weight, trying to feel better about myself. The biggest thing that bothers me is the lack of communication, the feeling like I'm alone in my marriage, even despite that he calls to talk to me while he's on his way home. Cause half the time this man doesn't talk TO me, he talks AT me, will ask my opinion and do the exact opposite of what I tell him. At one point, he was thinking about moving back home, closer to his family, and the man had his mother and his older sister looking for houses out there before he'd even bothered to tell me about it. Gee, can you tell I've got some built up resentments? lol
Thanks everyone. I don't know where I'll start. Maybe I'll start by writing him a letter, to get things started. Then insisting we sit down and talk. Cause I am just not good at confrontations...my brain just shuts down. He thinks well on his feet, which is where he's got the advantage in a face-to-face talk, cause I get nerous and he interrupts, and then I get all flustered and I'm lucky if I can remember my name. lol. So I was thinking that maybe if I wrote him a letter, I could tell him everything I needed up front.
Thanks again. It helps just knowing that I'm not completely alone.
Okay, posted this then wanted to come back in here and add...I tend to have hermet tendencies. Meaning I'm a very introverted person, and I know I'm not the easiest person to live with sometimes (very moody person, and even *I* know it). So I know I only ascerbate the problem simply because I'm afraid to speak up, afraid to "rock the boat". So I do understand that I created part of the problem, simply because I allowed it. I was just so frustrated when I wrote this post yesterday, because I don't know *how* to talk to him. Getting my feelings across is extremely difficult for me, especially when I'm aggitated.
I also posted this on another board, the "Problem Solving for Couples" board, and a great woman over there gave a TON of help, on how exactly to talk to him without him feeling like I'm attacking him (cause like I said, I get flustered face-to-face, and I *know* things don't come out the way I want them to, and then he gets upset, and things snowball out of control). She's the one who suggested I read "Men are from Mars." And the book gave me the idea of writing him a letter.
~Lonely
Edited 9/4/2004 9:37 am ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000
Oh, that Mars and Venus book is the greatest. There's one more book I think you might find helpful. It's called "Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach To Making Your Marriage Loving Again".
Here's a link:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671797255/qid=1094315345/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/102-2067300-5998505?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Good Luck!
bluelelle