Feeling guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Feeling guilty
8
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 9:45am

Hi Everyone,

This problem is apparently small potatoes compared to most topics on the board but it is still bothering me! Here's the story: My boyfriend and I went on a trip to Europe and he brought 2 of his travel books from a prior, special, European trip and I brought some library travel books. I was in charge of carrying all the books throughout the trip and when we got back I accidentally dropped them all off at the library, except one of his which I gave back. A month afterwards, he reminds me that I still owe him one book. But by now the library has sold it (thinking I donated it). He was incredibly sullen and could not believe that I could be so careless.

Needless to say, it was 100% accidental and I have been looking for it so hard but with no luck. He has been very cold, quiet and said some passive-aggressive things to me. This isn't typical behavior for me- I have returned all the other books he's lent me and have trusted things to him. But now I feel like he has something to "hold" over me. I can't decide if I should continue feeling awful and remorseful for not respecting his property or be wary that his extreme behavior towards a book could mean a pattern of overreacting. I'm getting punished from him and my own conscience!

What would you all think? And how can I make it up to him!? Thanks everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 10:11am
I think that if you were careless with his property then you should replace the book and apologize, after that he needs to forgive you and move on. But since it was your error you should take the first step to rectify the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 11:27am

It is the nature of books to get lost, be left behind, find their way to someone else, and disappear forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 2:13pm

Welcome to the board runrgal24,


What is 'valuable' to one person isn't always valuable to another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 2:36pm
I like eggbert's approach...replace the book and apologize. By doing nothing it tells him that you dont take responsibility for your actions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 4:36pm

For the record, you didn't disrespect his property, you were simply not paying much attention.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: runrgal24
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 4:53pm

Welcome to the board,


This was an accident. I can understand him being upset, but there is no reason for him to be holding it over your head and making you feel bad about it. I believe you and told him your sorry. Make sure he knows that you having to be trying to find another copy of it for him. Have you asked him where he got it from?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: runrgal24
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 12:23am

You're right, his reaction is really excessive. We all make mistakes, it wasn't intentional. And, if he can be so punishing over something as small as this, I'd be very careful about being in a relationship with him. What will be do when something bigger happens, as it inevitably will? We all make mistakes in life, it's natural. And, in a relationship, it matters very much whether or not the person we are with is forgiving, and can let things be in their proper place. If he cannot, then realize you could be in for much more trouble with a person like this. There's no reason to punish yourself for an error and certainly none to accept punishment from him.


Make a healthy choice for yourself, don't allow abuse of any kind.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2008
In reply to: runrgal24
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:19pm

i wouldnt ever go as far as to say that you were "careless and irresponsible" (or whatever that other person said) with his things....that kinda mean.


it was an ACCIDENT........i mean come on accidents happen.... its not like you