FEELING GUILTY ABOUT CHEATING

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
FEELING GUILTY ABOUT CHEATING
9
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 6:10pm
HOW CAN I COPE WITH THIS FEELING OF GUILT WITHOUT HAVING TO TELL MY BOYFRIEND THAT I CHEATED??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 6:44pm
it all really just depends on how long you two have been together. How long ago it happened and why it happened. does he suspect anything or is he still totally clueless. I know me personaly I would be extremely hurt but I would rather hear it from my girl friend than some one else.

I guess if you truely love him you should tell him otherwise it will alway's eat away at you and your relationship. who know it might even make your relationship stronger
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:01pm
WELL, WEVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS AND WE RECENTLY MOVED IN TOGETHER. MY BIGGEST WORRY IS IF I TELL HIM....I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HE WILL LEAVE ME. THE SAD PART IS THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE...WHY.....BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT.....BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT I LOVE HIM AND HE IS THE ONLY PERSON I WANT TO BE WITH. I KNOW THAT YOUR REPLY IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, BUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW, I NEED TO KEEP THIS TO MYSELF. I NEED TO TRY TO MAKE THIS FEELING GO AWAY, AT LEAST SOME OF IT, WITHOUT LOOSING EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:23pm
If it makes you feel any better I'm in almost the same situation as you exepct I suspect my girlfriend of cheating. She's constantly talking to some other guy on the phonebut she swears up and down that there just friends. I know I love her enogh that I would probly forgive her if she agreed never to talk to him again. so I think you should tell him but you have to make the decision not me or any one else. so I wish you the best of luck. the only thing else I can say is follow your heart if you love him and he loves you things will work out for the best.

Godd luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:58pm
Well I suggest you try the "my affair" board or the "ending an affair" board (I think thats what it's called) and you might get some helpful tips there. If you really want to stay with this guy then I suggest you break off all contact with the person you cheated with, no friendship, no nothing.

Personally I don't believe you love your guys as much as you say you do because you've cheated several times and now you're lying to him. I understand why you feel hiding it is the best thing, you know him well enough to know that he would end the relationship. Are you positive you want to stay with your bf for "love"? Could it be that you know he's dependable and feel comfortable in that? I dont know, I'm just speculating.

I'm just curious as to why you cheated. Was the other guy sexier, more exciting, better listener? Maybe thats not something you want to talk about, but I really am curious because I know a girl who cheated on her bf, never told him, and last week she just got engaged to him so I'd like to learn a little bit about what goes on in other people's heads.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:16pm
Speaking as someone who has been through this herself and will never repeat it, I know where you are coming from. You really need to take a long look at your current relationship and access your level of happiness. Is this relationship really what you want? Maybe it was a knee jerk reaction to moving in together but I suspect that maybe this relationship is 1. moving faster than you want it to or 2. missing something. Speaking from personal experience my cheating experience was a warning sign that I wasn't with the right person. I was feeling neglected. I think I was immature as well in that I just wasn't ready for the bland stage relationships enter. We women like the initial attraction and newness when everything we say and do is appreciated, but when the newness wears off and the relationship becomes "work" we start to look at the grass on the other side of the fence. You really need to think long and hard about what you want. If you come to the decision that you want to remain in your relationship and truly do love him, than make a promise to yourself that this was an isolated incident that will never happen again. You do have to atleast consider what may happen if he finds out, but I think sometimes we think we need to tell the other person what we have done to cleanse or absolve ourselves of the guilt. I don't think that necessarily makes it right. You are not married, you are technically single, and you made a mistake. Don't do it again, and if you do, then you should really consider leaving the situation because clearly you are not ready for a relationship. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 1:18am
I can see and agree with all of the perspectives presented to you -- so I will give a different take on it --

You say that this has happened before. Did your BF find out about that time, or did you keep it a secret again?

The problem is, something is driving you to cheat on your BF -- and the fact that it has happened before in the past, and is happening again now, leads me to believe that it will repeat again in the future until the problem is solved within YOU. Are you ready for a live-in relationship? Do you just feel the need to meet guys and not be attached? I mean, you really cannot have your cake and eat it too. "You are wherever you go." So think through your underlying issues, desires, and motives. You are acting this way for a reason.

If you think that he is a bad BF, or you are not receiving attention from him, why not communicate with him and try to make this work before going somewhere else for your needs? Just like drinking is not an excuse for cheating, I also don't believe in the "I am lacking in this area in my relationship" excuse. Are there issues that drive you away from him? If you feel you have tried every approach and he isn't what you want, isn't making you truly happy where you feel the need to keep seeking other men, you need to break up with him. Let's face it, if you were happy and fulfilled, and/or ready for this type of relationship, you wouldn't cheat not once, twice..... Perhaps this is not the right man for you.

The fact that your BF may not know, all together, that you are doing and have done this on the sly is a bit selfish of you in my opinion. This leaves him with no freedom of choice; he cannot choose if HE wants to remain in a relationship where his GF cannot be commmited or faithful to him. Does he trust you? It seems like you owe him the freedom of choice if you truly love him -- and the noble thing to do would be you dealing with the consequences that might include losing him. To some people cheating can be excused, but to him, it does't sound like it is. Based on what you wrote, that's a dealbreaker for him. Therefore, because of WHAT you will lose based on your needs and coverup of what you have done a few times, he loses his freedom of choice. You'd rather reap the gains, then lose out on something you claim is important to you.

Then again, I am not sure if you truly love him. You saying "Because I am an idiot" does not display you learning from previous mistakes. You knew what you were doing when it happened, now you just have to deal with the after affects -- it almost appears that you are sorry for the way you feel and the negative feelings associated with it, not that you truly did it again TO him. Regardless, if you two do not have an open relationship, and you find yourself participating in behavior that consists of lies and cheating, this isn't a healthy relationship to begin with. Take off the blinders and look within to see why you feel the need to be with other males and let it happen so easily. Is it just the sex? Is it the affection? Whatever the reason, it sounds like you need to step away from the relationship even if you don't choose to tell him. I think this space will be good for you and him and that in the near future, you will be sorry if you don't take time apart, when you feel "trapped" again or when you are admired by another male, or when your BF is not paying attention to you.

Please know I am not trying to be harsh since I agreed with the other posters opinions, just giving you a different take on the situation. Good luck.

G702

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 8:15pm
There is another side to the coin.....if you truly will not cheat again.....why tell him? So you can make him feel as badly as you do? Do you want him to be miserable, too? Ignorance is bliss. Your punishment is to feel guilty and have to learn to live with it. That's what will keep you straight the next time you feel tempted. Take it from one who knows.....ald all I had was a flirtation....no sex involved....on the internet with an old friend.....My husband has never gotten over it and our relationship is civil, but nothing like it used to be. Besides, he confided in his friends and family so I have no contact with any of them anymore. Even though he's supposedly forgiven....they have not & they wont. I'm the slut who cheated on their boy. My advice.....suck it up and learn to live with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 12:53pm
I have agreed with many of the posts except the "keep it to yourself". I have been in this exact situation only I was the one cheated on. You did not mention to what extreme you have cheated but I think it would really be best to tell your boyfriend. You have no idea what he will say. Most likely he will want to take a brake to think things through. Your relationship could either become stronger or you may decide to go your seperate ways. Whatever the outcome, it is obviously eating you up inside. That in it self will help you to ruin your relationship, albiet slowly. You are going to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and what you think is right, but I am speaking from the happy side of some one who had a boyfriend kiss another girl. At that point, our relationship was troubled but we worked through it. I did not even find out until a year later and I really needed time to think things through. Today, we are stronger because he told me the truth. His guilt was finally gone and that weird tention whenever we would discuss cheating was gone. I suspect that even if you two see a movie together and there is a cheater in the movie, it may make you uncomfortable. And trust me, the other person always knows.. even if they don't want to believe it or dig deep enough to find out.. he knows deep down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 4:54pm
i think you should tell him, not only to move past the guilt which is eating you inside but for health reasons also.

I was married to a cheater who brought home an STD to me, one that forced me to have a hysterectomy. I didnt think that I needed to keep getting checkups as regualr because I was married and all. Well, HPV doesnt always show signs. I went a few years without a OB/GYN visit and then found out that I had the onset of cervical cancer because of genital warts, which never showed - no outbreaks.

I didnt find all of this out for years after that (nightmare) marriage dissolved, and I was getting married to a new man.

My ex's cheating did more than hurt my pride and my feelings, it nearly ended my life and took me away from my children.

Something to think about anyway.