Feeling ignored

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2001
Feeling ignored
18
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 9:55pm
My fiance and I have been together for 4 and a half years and up until recently things have been great.
We moved to Texas almost 2yrs ago and we are raising my 2 children from my previous marriage. He is a paramedic and I am a nurse for a local doctor. I have some ongoing health problems that have kept me from working full time for quite some time. He is the main bread winner and works hard to give us a good life.
In the last few weeks he has become more distant and spending a lot of time, talking and texting a female coworker. I asked him what they talk about and he says he is just helping her through a hard time(her marriage is ending). I know this woman and she is wonderful and a sweet person. I worry that they are becoming way too close. Tonight he got a text from her and jumped right up and went to see her. He was gone for almost 2hrs then text to say he was stopping by the grocery store. The more distant he gets the more I worry. He still wants to have sex but that seems like the only connection we have been making.
We are getting married next May and I am worried that I am wasting my time planning our big day. I try to talk with him but he just tells me nothing is going on and I need to relax. He never acted like this with me. If I am having a bad day he doesn't jump up to talk to me and help. I have gotten used to this but never really gotten over it.
Am I jutting being paranoid and need to relax or should I be worried?
Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 1:42am

freespiritangel, I'm not a suspicious person by nature, but I do agree that something is not quite right here.

I can imagine how frustrating it is when he's denying anything going on (even if it was some type of emotional connection).  So I'm wondering if he can acknowledge that you're worried and scared and feeling on the outer.    Have you explained this to him without putting direct blame on his relationship with this woman?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 3:24am
There are a lot of red flags here that they may already be more than friends. And him becoming more distant is a big one. All the signs point to a possible affair, could be just emotional at this point or it could already have turned physical. Has he become more protective of his cell phone lately? Would he have a problem with you seeing the texts that are going between them? especially the ones he gets right before he leaves to go see her for 2 hours?
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 11:28am
She may not even see it as anything more than him being a good friend. It could be just on your fiances end. He is allowing himself to connect with her too much and become too close to her. You have every right to be worried and demand more respect from him. Even if there is absolutely nothing else going on between them at this point other than friendship, he is stepping outside the bounds of acceptable behavior from someone in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 1:17pm

Bottom line here is that HE should not be the one helping and comforting her thru her divorce. She should be turning to her family, female friends, or a counselor if she is having a hard time with her divorce, and NOT to someone elses fiance or husband for comfort. Even if nothing is going on physically, his becoming more distant with you is a sign that he is turning away from you emotionally and turning to her. And the more emotionally involved he gets with her the more likely this WILL become physical. You definitely need to nip this too close friendship with her in the bud before it's too late and they end up in a full blown affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2001
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 2:54pm
Thank you for all of your replies.
I am glad that i am not over reacting and others understand how I feel. I don't think anything physical is going on but I know something emotional is going on.
He was caught sending and receiving naked pictures with another woman before we got engaged. I had a lot of trust issues after that. He promised to stop the messages and I made him text her and end their communication and delete her from his phone and block her on Facebook. Everything seemed to work out and we went on until now.
Being the type of person I am, that little bit of uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. I want to trus that there is nothing going on but the actions are speaking louder than the words. I brought it up with him last night and he tried to reassure me that nothing was going on.
We are going on a small family vacation this weekend but I know i will not be able to enjoy myself unless this is resolved.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 3:54pm
Ahh so he was cyber-cheating on you previously. No wonder you are even extra sensitive of this area.

Nothing is going on he says. Well that's good news I guess. The problem is, that's not the problem. Even you were just about positive nothing was going on.

The real problem is his growing connection with her and spending time with her and spending time communicating with her. In light of his previous indiscretions, you would think he would be extra sensitive to your feelings in this area. You must make clear that yes you know nothing is going on, but still what he is doing is not appropriate, makes you uncomfortable, and what he is doing is playing with fire.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 12:50pm

I don't buy that "nothing is going on" - not one little bit.

Here's the scenario I see:  you and he started off with a relationship that was a little more equal:  you were working, he was working, you had two children but all was fine.  Now you're living in a different place, you're having a hard time working, and he's having to do more to support you and your children.  You're engaged, but increasingly he's feeling the reality of what it's going to be like to be married to someone who comes with the normal baggage of a divorced parent.  So, he starts fantasizing - sending naked pictures to someone else and probably telling himself it's harmless because, hey, he isn't having sex with her.  Then a very nice, sweet woman from work just "needs" him to be there, and he tells you it's harmless because you buy it, so really, what is the harm - what you don't know won't hurt you, right?  Wrong!

Any man who would bolt from his fiancee to spend two hours with another woman is NOT someone you want to marry.  A real man who is ready to marry is simply not going to do that if for no other reason than that it looks bad.  My DH would never in a million years spend 2 hours with a woman on his own, unless it was for work - even if she were a nun, he would view it as being cause for concern on my part or cause for gossip from other people, and HE WOULDN'T DO IT.  Neither would any decent man who respects his wife.

So what if your fiance deleted her from his phone and blocked her on FB - he will find other ways to communicate with her.  Spend an hour or two on any of the iVillage boards about affairs and read what people do.  It's quite an eye-opener.

As Ann Landers used to say, wake up and smell the coffee.  Do not marry this man and do not subject your children to what will happen if you continue in this relationship.  Stop NOW before it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 3:08pm

I'm sure this could have started as an innocent thought in his mind--oh my work friend is going through a hard time, as you said she's very nice, so he feels bad, starts listening to her problems at work & tries to help her out.  But when it comes to the point of ignoring you & rushing to her side, then his behavior is not appropriate.  Does she not have one woman friend that she can confide in?  i don't say that people shouldn't help out their friends if they are of the opposite sex, but it should maybe be some kind of practical help--and the spouse or fiance shouldn't be threatened by it.  When people start becoming very emotionally close, it can easily lead to physical things happening as well.  If she's really a nice lady, then she probably didn't start out thinking about having an affair w/ someone else's fiance but she's in a very vulnerable place right now--maybe her DH left her & she didn't want to get divorced, then the nice male coworker comes around and pays attention to her and the next thing you know, they are starting an affair.  So under these circumstances, I would definitely not get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2001
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 3:11pm
After my last post, I sat down with my fiance and voiced my concerns.
Again, he told me nothing was going on and I demanded to see the text messages. To my surprise, he didn't delete them. Several of them were related to work but most of them were about her divorce. I explained that him running off for 2hrs to talk with her was inappropriate. Of course he didn't understand and I had to explain to him what was wrong with the situation. He said that he understood why I would be upset. I will say he was very caught off guard when i confronted him about this.
With his phone, I called the woman and told her that the relationship between her and my fiance had become inappropriate and I would not allow it to continue. She said at no point did she ever want to harm our relationship. She could see how it could look like something it wasn't. I told her that their conversations needed to be limited to work only. She completely understood and promised to keep it that way.
We had plans for a mini family vacation and if it would not have hurt the kids we would not have gone. The whole time we were gone, he only received 1 text message from her and it was completely work related.
Its too soon to say he was learned his lesson and the wedding being 9 months away, all of the plans have been put on hold until such time I feel comfortable continuing with them. He was upset that I would put our wedding plans on hold but I told him that this way because of his behavior.
I guess only time will only tell if he really wants this to work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 8:41pm
I'm glad to read you're proceeding with caution.

Just FYI, I dated a guy for almost 3 years who did almost the exact same thing. This woman supposedly "needed" him to stay overnight at her apartment because her ex was threatening her. I saw a text on his phone (he'd handed me his phone and told me he was having trouble texting and I saw the text, so I wasn't snooping) that said "Hey Sexy, missed you last night. See you tonight?" He claimed she was "trying to grab on" to him. He also claimed when he stayed over at her apartment, that he slept on a chair in the living room. Ok...

So guess what? After he and I split (I ended the relationship because he was spending less and less time with me and I was feeling ignored...sound familiar?), I found out that they had been living together! Yes, while he was still seeing me! And now they are either married or in a committed relationship, I'm not sure which because I ended all contact.

I talked to a male friend about it, and he explained that my ex probably had a rescue complex. He'd often comment to me that I had it together and was great at taking care of myself and my child, but he was always rushing off to "rescue" these women who were helpless and couldn't seem to make it on their own (the last woman certainly wasn't the first!). He needed to be needed, and I didn't "need" him, so he found someone who either did or pretended to because a self-sufficient, confident woman like me turned him off. He wanted to be "The Man" and I guess I didn't make him feel like "The Man".

I don't know if any of this applies to your situation, but I would keep my eyes open and make sure that everything regarding her is an open book with him.

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