feeling lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
feeling lonely
7
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 12:16pm
My husband & I own our own business & here lately he has been working 20 to 24 hrs a day for days at a time & then he is so tired he never has time for me. I feel like he's doing this because he don't love me anymore & he says he does it for me . This is becoming very unhealthy for both of us because we fight all the time on the phone. How can I make him understand that this is what is wrong with us & cut back on working? I love him very much & do not want to lose him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
In reply to: smartin426
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 4:07pm
Do you work in the family business as well, or are you not involved? If so, have you considered going to work with him, to share the load? Maybe this will take some of the pressure off him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
In reply to: smartin426
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:01am
I did work with him until March 2003 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer & had a radical hysterectomy. Being only 33 yrs old w/ 2 boys ages 13yrs & 9 yrs old made me do some soul searching & I decided to stay home with them for a while. Now I suffer from lymphedema when I stand for long periods of time. This causes my left leg to swell to the point I cannot not stand to wear shoes. We have a diesel repair shop which would invovle me to be on my feet all day & I cannot stand that anymore. Then you have the fact that those crying truck drivers expect you to feel sorry for them & after everything I have been through I can't stand to listen to grown men cry over stupid trucks. As soon as school starts back I will help some while the boys are at school. But my first priority is to live life to the fullest from now on. Once you face death like I did your outlook on life changes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: smartin426
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:42am
Sorry to hear about your health problems and your husband's busy work schedule. I just wanted to say one thing though. A lot of men show their love by providing for and taking care of their families. I used to resent when my husband would spend his time on the weekends finding work to do on the house, but then he and I talked. He explained that by going to work each day, coming home, helping around the house and fixing it up so that it is nice for us is one of his ways of showing his love for me. Men nurture like that. I talked to a friend who recently went through a divorce and his main problem was that his wife couldn't see that by working his butt off to support her and their family was how he showed how much he loved them. Men and women are just wired differently when it comes to this. So when he says that he is working so much for you, he may very well be doing just that. Just my 2 cents.

Nancy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
In reply to: smartin426
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:01pm
This is so true & thanks for the encouraging words. But if I tell him the kids & I are going to the movies,shopping,etc. He gets mad & says I never include him in these things.I have tried to explain to him that he chooses his work schedule not the kids & i & we should not have to sit @ home 24/7 just because he wants to work alll the time. I really miss being with him @ work & plan on spending some time there as soon as school starts ,even I do nothing but sit in the chair & talk to him. He likes to make me feel guilty if I do something with the kids during the day even if it is getting in our pool I guess that is what bothers me more than anything. I try to explain to him that all his priorities are not just in the business he has a wonderful loving family that needs him too. But he thinks I don't what I am tallking about. When he lays the guilt trip on me it makes me mad & then he gets mad & it leads to fight.I don't expect him to work 24/7 either. We used to go to the drag races almost every weekend but since the season has started this yr. we haven't even been to the first one because he can't seem to find the time. I'm at my wits end. Any other suggestions & no I am not contemplating divorce.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: smartin426
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:23pm

Every relationship (just like every person) needs time, attention, play, communication. The heart of a healthy life and relationship is "balance". Let your husband know that you appreciate that he is doing this for you, but that if he really cares about you and the relationship, what he needs to do is to create balance in his life and make sure there is time for the two of you to be together. Let him know the effects this kind of work schedule is having upon you.


Sometimes people do jump into excessive work to hide from issues and feelings. Sometimes they lose sight of the whole picture and it comes from a sense of insecurity and fear. Tell him this. Help him realize that it cannot go on this way forever without having bad effects on everyone. Help him understand what he's wrestling with. Workaholicsm can become an addiction, like anything else.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: smartin426
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:34pm
How about this instead - "Hey, I would like to invite you out. Can you clear your schedule next Wed for family night at the movies? " If he says no, then say - 'sorry to hear that, maybe next time, the kids and I should be home at x time.'

And keep inviting him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
In reply to: smartin426
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:10pm
Tried that & he still keeps laying the guilt trip on me like it's my fault he is working so much. Don't get me wrong I know we have bills to pay but we also need a little time for us w/o the worries of running a business. We are going into our 5th yr. & we have a very loyal clientale. So there is no reason he can't make time for us. I tell him that the truck drivers see him more than I do & that makes him mad. I don't expect him to be home all the time all I ask for is nights & @ least 1 whole day with him. Can't even get that.