feeling really down
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feeling really down
| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:31pm |
I have been maarried for 28 years to the same man. I am almost 50. We have had a series of financial problems after he changed jobs several years ago, and I have developed severe asthma,fibromyalgia and plantar fasciitis which makes walking very painful. I teach high school and have the primary income now,as well as carry the benefits. We have 2 children still at home,11 and 17 and a 19 year old,in the area.I cannot get him to take our financial situation seriously and I also cannot get him to understand that he has to do more at home since I am almost disabled,and need to rest every night in order to get out of bed and drag myself to work in the morning. The house needs repairs,the laundry is all piled up and my "work" clothes never come back from the laundry room,so I go to work looking and feeling very frumpy. I cannot do steps,so I cannot do this myself. We cannot afford household help, and the kids are really tired of helping.He comes in every night and lays on the couch .I have all this resentment. I have little or no sex drive,which upsets him,but somehow I just cannot look at him the same way anymore. It is not so much all the physical stuff, it is more of the disappointment that we are living like this and a sense of hopelessness.I feel like I am carrying all the weight of our situation all by myself,but it is his career change that has done this to us financially. I can't seem to get past it.
Signatures On
| Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:26am |
Wow, I feel for you so much!! Sounds to me like he needs to have a wake up call, NOW before it gets worse or before you get worse. Sometimes when one person becomes almost disabled the other person doesn't really know how to handel it. Sometimes they feel helpless and kind of lost and tend to lack in areas because of this. He also may be suffering from depression due to the fact he is no longer the "breadwinner". Sometimes this makes a person feel insignificant and it sounds to me like he may have some of those "symptoms" (although that is still not an excuse for his behavior). Also if he's been dependant upon you (say for chores etc) for so long it's hard to change habits. I think you need to set down and have a very frank talk about how he needs to "get his act together." He needs to understand that circumstances have changed and so should he. I would suggest since the kids have been helping out so much, if you think they can deal with it, even having them sit this one in for SOME or all of it. At least the older ones. Be up front and VERY honest. He really needs to understand that you physically cannot do the things you used to do and you need help and more than just the kids help too! I think he needs to try to find a job or if he has one find a better one. This will help you both financially and help him with his insecurities. Under the circumstances I feel you have every right to feel resentment toward him but keeping them to yourself is helping neither of you. When he comes home...before he plops on the couch...tell him you need to talk. Turn off the tv and any other distractions. Tell him you need him to listen because there has to be changes. (Keep it a mature discussion though, not an argument.) Be prepared too. Make a list of what needs to be done and tell him what you can and can't do on that list. Also let him know why you have no sex drive. Make him go to the doctor with you sometime so he can hear for himself what is ailing you and how that affects you. Maybe even give him a list of things to do that would help you out if he'd be willing to go along with it. The most important thing is to let him know how you feel and why he needs to help. Counseling could probably even be benificial and you can find inexpensive or free in just about every local area. Maybe contact your local social services to see if they offer that type of thing or if they know of any other office that does. I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated...we'd like to know how it's going.
