Feeling Rejected
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Feeling Rejected
| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 6:08am |
I have been married to my husband for six years this coming August, and we I have a daughter (age 8)from a previous marriage and a three year old son together. Overall, my husband and I get along very well. We share similar views and values. We enjoy doing similar types of activities, and we have only minor differences when it comes to raising our children. Yet, the intimacy in our marriage really suffers. I wouldn't say that I have a high sex drive at all, but it is difficult for me to accept that my husband never wants to have sex. In fact, I was shocked to learn that I was pregnant with my son because we had so raely been together. I have brought this issue up with my husband several times in the last three years, and even when he agrees that there is a problem nothing ever changes. He is always giving excuses that he is too tired, too stressed, he is too worried about money, etc., etc. Gratefully, he has never accused me of being the problem. At first, I thought that his excuses were real, and that I should just give him time. However, after three years of life becoming less stressful, and our finances improving, things are still the same-if not worse. I have seen a therapist, but my therapist thinks that I should just learn to "deal" with the problem since we all have things in a marriage that we don't like. The problem is that I don't know how to handle this. My self-esteem has really taken a beating. I have told myself over and over that it is not me, but when you are in the situation where your own spouse doesn't want to be with you it really hurts. He has even told me that he doesn't like it when I initiate intimacy. That was probably the hardest thing for me to hear. I know that he likes women, I have caught him looking at porn. That is what bothers me the most. I can't help but think that he loves to look at beautiful, perfect women and that he can't be with me because I don't live up to what he wants. I have had two children, and couldn't look like those women if I wanted to. I also know that he self stimulates quite often which also angers me because he is pleasuring himself at my expense. I am of a religion that does not tolerate self-stimulation, and so that is not an option for me. Neither is divorce. I'm not looking at getting out of my marriage, but I am desperate to find a way to cope with this issue. Thanks to all who respond!

Welcome to the board gueniver,
First, find a new counselor, one that will work with both you and your husband.
First of all, I don't know who your therapist is, but I have never ever heard of a therapist who said to ignore the fact that there is no sex in a marriage. This is not a marriage, it's a relationship of convenience. A marriage includes sexual intimacy. This is part of your husband's responsibility and yes, of course, it is absolutely natural and understandable that if a woman feels her husband does not want her, or is not attracted to her, her self esteem can take quite a hit. The first thing to say is of course for you to realize that the reason he isn't attracted is due to him, his problem, not due to you. It's easy to say this, quite another to live with the situation day after day. There is no reason in the world that you have to live your entire life without having a partner who loves and wants you. From the little you've mentioned, it is quite possible that your husband has some kind of porn addiction...that often goes with self stimulation. It's easier in this situation for him to fantasize and have fantasy sex rather than give to and deal with a real life and blood woman. He needs therapy. He's ill. It's not a matter of waiting for him to bring it up. You have to let him know that this has to be handled. It's an illness. If you don't handle it, you will also suffer from the effects of it.
I don't know what to say about the fact that divorce is forbidden in your religion. I can understand the need to keep a marriage together, but is this a marriage? Can divorce be forbidden under "all" circumstances? Even if the husband is not being a husband? These are questions you must grapple with for yourself. I strongly urge you to find another therapist and get a different opinion.
Take good care of yourself,
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