Feeling selfish and confused...
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Feeling selfish and confused...
| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:39pm |
I will try and make a long story short. I have been best friends with a girl for 4 years. Recently we started having stronger feelings for each other. Because of this she felt the need to tell me something. She told me about a year ago she got very drunk at a party and ended up having a one night stand with someone. Before she told me this I always thought that she was still pure. Her innocence was one of the things that attracted me to her. When she told me I got upset because I was her best friend and she hadn't told me this had happend soon after it happened. What complicates this is 5 years ago I made the same mistake and got drunk and had a one night stand. She knew it all along because once we became close friends I told her what I had done. So besides being upset for her not telling me I got upset because a guy took advantage of her. In addition we live on opposite sides of the country and never see each other but talk online and/or on the phone daily. When she told me this I was also jealous because here I am, closer to her than anyone in the world, and due to distance right now I cant even hold her and tell her i love her in person and here is this guy that went way beyond that because of boos and took that innocence away from her which meant so much to me. Now I am confused. I don't know if its selfish for me to feel this way about it. I know its not something she would do sober for she is a very laid back self respectful girl who just made a mistake. As was the case for me when I made the same mistake. But since she told me all I can see in my mind is this guy stealing her innocence from her while she wasnt cohearent. She wasnt raped... she was just very drunk and made a mistake that in normal circumstances she wouldnt ever make. So because of this I feel angry, jealous, and dissapointed, and its all I have been able to think about since she told me. I also feel mad at myself because I dont think the way I am feeling is right and that it is selfish. I am having a very hard time accepting this and a hard time getting over it. She said she doesnt want to talk about it again because she is so ashamed of what happened and the memory scares and depresses her so I cant talk to her about it. I just feel so wrong about the way I feel right now. Does anyone have any words of wisdom that might help me? thank you

Youo're upset that it wasn't with you that she gave up her cherry...that's what you're upset about. You're also now a little unnerved - you've had her on this pedestal as a pure woman that you believe you've fallen in love with - despite distance and apparently lots of immaturity and unrealistic expectations about a future...and you're finding out she's just like all the rest of us - human, she got drunk, and she gave up her virginity by her own choice in the heat of an emotionally driven moment.
Sex is just physical gratification unless there is an existing emotional bond. You know that - you had a one night stand. You'd do well to stop thinking of a future that likely has no potential - you've got her on a pedestal that she'd fall off of in a heartbeatif you two were in close proximity and interacting daily and impacting one another with actions, decisions and words.
And she's not upset about losing her virginity 5 years ago...she migth look back now and regret having done it that way. But she's not in some state of emotional grief and torment that she needs to be comforted - and if she is, she'simmature, irrational, and incapable of having an equality based, adult relationship anyway.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com