Feeling so lost and confused

Avatar for razzmatazz580
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Feeling so lost and confused
4
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:24pm

I just don't know what to do right now. I feel like I've been posting on different iVillage boards (for YEARS) about my relationship and nothing gets better in spite of all the great advice I get. Of course it's also my fault at times for not really following some of the advice I get. But I have just reached a point where I don't know what to DO anymore. I feel very lost. Don't know what direction to move in to better my life. I feel like such a failure.

I work as a pharmacist. My boyfriend does too ... we met 5 years ago in school when we were classmates. Anyways, he is a little "rough around the edges" - not polished (to say the least). In addition, he is of a different culture .... my parents had always hoped that I would marry someone who is Indian (they still do) .... but my boyfriend is Vietnamese. He hasn't done the greatest job of forming a good impression with them. But the thing is - no matter what he does, my parents never think he's good enough. I keep asking him to do this and do that to get along better with them but he asks "Will it really make a difference?" And I wonder if it really would .... In addition to all the things I mentioned, my boyfriend's family is very poor (and will likely need a LOT of financial help for the rest of their lives). This is another reason my parents don't want me to end up with him.

Now I'm 27 years old and my boyfriend is 31. He made it clear that he wants to marry me. For some reason I wasn't jumping for joy when he brought this up. It made me sad. I don't even talk to my parents about him whenever I visit them .... we avoid the topic. They are probably hoping that I've changed my mind about him and I don't know how to bring it up. I want to tell them that he is a very good person with a kind heart .... generous, funny, trustworthy. He's all of those things .... but my parents said before that if I marry him, they will not invite any family members/friends of theirs to the wedding because it would be the most humiliating day of their lives. This makes me want to avoid the topic at all costs with them. I felt so sure before that I wanted to be with Tony (my boyfriend) but now when the moment comes that he's practically proposed to me ..... my answer is "I don't know." I know he's heartbroken right now that my answer wasn't a definite "yes". How can you be with someone for almost 5 years and then NOT know that you want to marry them?? What's wrong with me? He's wonderful and he's been so good to me ....I am his top priority. But when I picture our wedding, I see my parents' dissapointed faces and it sucks all the joy out of it. I really don't know what to do. I feel like either way (whatever I decide), I'm gonna hurt myself AND either Tony or my parents.

I know it's far too easy to blame my parents and I should "do what is best for me". But the problem is I just don't know WHAT that is! What is best for me? Letting go of Tony even though that breaks my heart and *possibly* finding someone else in the future? What if that person doesn't treat me as well as Tony does and I don't have as much fun with that person? What if my parents love that person but I don't feel quite as strongly for them as I did for Tony? What if I marry Tony only to find out how much heartache I have to endure with my family and realize that it wasn't worth it?

On my days off from work, I just sit on the couch and consider what to do next in my life. And I get nowhere. Marry Tony? Be single for a while and figure out what to do on my own? It just depresses me that I can't seem to make a decision and move forward with my life. As if the above wasn't complicated enough, back in March I went on a trip with my best friend and her boyfriend. I was attracted to one of the friends (of my best friend's boyfriend). He was engaged to be married and I was in a long-term relationship. Nothing happened but we were both very tempted. Afterwards, I found myself daydreaming about him. Anyways, I forgot that in my drunken state I had given him my phone #. He just recently called me to inform me that he broke it off with his fiance and they cancelled all the wedding plans. He asked how my situation was .... I told him that I was still with my boyfriend but very unsure about things. He said that if I ever was in his area, I should call him to get together. Damn it! - To be totally honest, I am tempted to call him. But that's so unfair to Tony. Tony is my best friend and it would break my heart to hurt him. So I won't do it .... but it makes me feel guilty that I'm even TEMPTED by another guy.

I do love him. I DO. But then why am I hesitating? I feel like a horrible person.

Thank you for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:58pm

Hi razzmatazz580,


I think you could benefit from individual counseling to help you sort through your emotions? Is the guy that you gave your phone number to Indian also? If not, you are following the same path with a different guy.

Avatar for razzmatazz580
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:04pm

Thanks Carrie ....

I appreciate your response. I have heard of that book (Are you the one for me) - somebody else suggested it before but I forgot about it. Since this is the 2nd time I'm hearing about it, I think I will pick it up at my local bookstore.

The guy I gave my # to is NOT Indian (interestingly enough, he is also Vietnamese .... somehow I am attracted to East Asian men, LOL). You are right about the counseling idea. I have considered it for some time now .... since nothing seems to be happening for me, I think it's time to consider seeking someone professional to talk to about this. Thank you so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 9:16am

In my opinion, after 5 years of a relationship it should be pretty clear if you want to spend your life with someone or not. I too would be devastated if I asked someone to marry me whom I had been with for 5 years and they said I don't know.

You say you love him, but are you in love with him? There is a difference. Can you see yourself with him every day for the rest of your life? having children with him? growing old with him?

I believe that if before marriage someone needs to seek counceling for that relationship or issues in it that is probably not the one for them.

I do not think there is anything wrong with you. You are in a very stressful situation, one where someone will get hurt. You have to put everyone else aside and think for and about you.

You are tempted to call another guy, that says a lot about your relationship. How would you feel if Tony felt that way about another girl? To me, it shows you are not ready to be married or engaged and that you may not be in the right relationship.

Getting married should be a happy time not a upsetting or sad time.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 10:35am
I have the same problem with my mother! Which in turn lead me to my best friend's boyfriends friend. Which in turn lead to the break up of me and the one I love (4 yr relationship). I was with this man for 4 yrs. We bought a house together, he had a child that we were raising together, and everything was good. Except that my family didnt really approve. He is Puerto Rican and I am white. He family is not all the best and richest of people, but I still loved them. My mother couldnt accept it though. She would tell me to just break it off, break it off, and fianlly I got scared and I did. And not, 9 months later, I still cant let go. I am head over heels in love with this man still, and am lost at what to do. I did cheat on him and he knows it. He was going to take me back, but I didnt know what to do and I told him I needed some time. He moved out and tryed for months to get back with me. I guess part of me was scared of what other people would think if I got back with him. Not just of how we would be. I finally went to confess my love and feelings for him, and now he has another girl. He told me that it is nothing serious, and he still loves me also. But he has definatly sent some mixed messages. I know he is probably scared now also, since I had said no so many times. I really think this is what I want though. Maybe If i never messed it up in the first place, it wouldnt be like this, and I wouldnt feel so horrible!