Feeling Unappreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Feeling Unappreciated
4
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:49am
I need to to talk to someone besides my mother. I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year and a half. This is my first real relationship. Most of the others have lasted only about a month. We are still in the lust phase of our relationship, but it is dwindling away quickly. I knew this would happen, but it has been difficult. For the last 6 months we have been fighting a lot more. They are not small fights, they are always deep feeling fights. I have recently been questioning our relationship. I have had feelings that want to break up with him, but then I have a lot of feelings that want to stay with him. When we fight, I have been starting a lot of them lately. The fights are usually me feeling not important to him. He has best friends, and I feel that people who have been dating for as long as we have should be best friends too. I have realized that I love him and care about him more then he cares about me. He loves me too, but he has told me that he does not care about me as much as I do to him. We have talked and we are working on that part of the relationship, but I still get those uneasy feelings like he doesn't like me anymore. I also had a fight with him, because I feel that I am not his best friend and I get the feeling from him that I never will be. We know a lot about each other and we have a lot in common, but I don't know if he likes me the way I like him. I want us to be best friends, but I don't if he does. These fights have gotten to the point to where we are asking each other if we need a break. We always say no, but I really don't know what to do. I care about him, but there's that bad feeling every once and a while I get in the back of my mind. I know this doesn't really help for you to try and help me, but it would be helpful to maybe get alittle advise about what I should do, or even what I should say to him to make him understand me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:11am

>>what I should say to him to make him understand me<<

Oh, I'm sure he understands you loud and clear. But understanding you and agreeing with you are two completely different things. Ever heard the term "agree to disagree"? This is what it refers to. It appears that you feel he will change his mind if he understand you...but the mind doesn't work like this.

The thing is, he's telling you that he doesn't feel the same as you and you're not listening. No amoung of communication can change how he feels.

Please remember that a breakup doesn't have to be a mutual decision. Stop 'discussing' the idea of breaks and make a decision on your own.

Stay or Go, it's your decision. If you decide to leave and he doesn't agree, then it's tough luck for him.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:49pm

A couple of absolute truths:

1. You should be best friends with the person you love.
2. You should ALSO have other close friends that you can talk to, hang out with, and generally learn from.

Your boyfriend should value you AND his existing friends while making you a priority in his life. This doesn't mean that the two of you have to spend all your free time together! In fact, you should be out there hanging out with your girlfriends and having your own adventures without him.

That being said, he's kind of an ass for saying that he thinks you care more for him than he does for you. Why would you settle for anything less than equality? Don't you want to be in a relationship where you are valued just as much (if not more) than you value your partner?

From the way he speaks, it sounds like he doesn't really respect you because he's got you wrapped around his finger. I would leave him if I were you.

However, if you really want to make this work, please take my advice and have your own life on your own terms: make plans with your own friends; go out without him; make sure that you aren't always free when he expects you to be. You'll grow as a person and meet new people... and you'll be surprised how quickly the tables will turn when he realizes that you don't live to keep him company!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:54pm

Even though you are in a relationship and love each other, it's perfectly healthy and necessary for each of you to have other friends...even best friends. You can be very close and love each other and still spend time with other people. If you do not allow him to have his own life and be close to friends of his own, that is being too possessive and suffocating. Also, that is not love. It comes out of fear and lack of security. The best way to make a relationship work is to give the person a lot of space to be who they are and not feel guilty or obligated about making you happy all the time. Each person has to build a fine lilfe of their own where they make themselves fulfilled and happy. The relationship is an important part of a life, but it cannot be everything. When you try to make it everything and cut other things out fights always start and things go bad. He will then see you as needy, rather than as someone who is exciting and who he wants to pursue.


Build up your own life and friendships. Make yourself fulfilled. Then enjoy the time you have together. Things will get a lot better soon.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:31pm

Hi erin,


I agree with the advice you got, especially that he's not going to suddenly feel more for you and the question 'don't you want it to be mutual'? and the it's ok to have other interests.


Good luck with your deciison.