Feelings for the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Feelings for the ex
5
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 7:53pm
I recently posted to this site and two people responded that if my SO is upset by something that his ex did or didn't do in this case then it means that he still has feelings for her. I must admit that I thought it was something he should just let go of and move on, but those were my feelings. After he explained to me that it wasn't about having feelings for her, but that he was just disappointed that she wasn't there for him at a low point in his life when he needed her help. He says that now when she needs him to be there he remembers her not being there for him and he gets angry and feels that she shouldn't ask him for anything. Keep in mind they share a small child. He decided that that was being childish and he wanted to clear the air and discuss it with her, which he did. The only thing he didn't consider was her calling me and telling me about the call.

I think it is somewhat reasonable to still be affected by your ex if you have a child with them. Things my ex husband did or did not do for me or my son would sometimes hurt my feelings or make me angry. At times we would argue, but I never did I want to get back together with him. I just thought that he should treat me and his son better than he did at times. So I'm looking at this situation with my SO the same way. I know that he loves me and we've been through a lot together. I also know that he has a history and a past with his kid's mother as well. I think he was trying to do the right thing, but he should have told me how he was feeling abou the issue before the call not after.

Do you all think that it is unreasonable to be affected by things that the parent of your child does even after a break up? Does it always mean that you still love and care for your ex an an inappropriate way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:34pm
I think there was a lot more to your post and to your relationship than just him being upset by something his ex did. It involved your ex being in jail, yelling at you, trying to get his ex to bail him out and bringing up the past with her.

'Do you all think that it is unreasonable to be affected by things that the parent of your child does even after a break up?'

If I had an ex that upset my child or did something with that child that I disapproved of or that we hadn't agreed to then I would be upset by how it affected the child. If I felt a need to bring up the past and call him when I was in jail to bail me out, there is something else going on.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:50am

Being affected by the behavior of your ex when you share a child together is perfectly normal. It does not mean that you necessarily have feelings for him or want to get back together again. It means that you share a child, do have a link (for life), and one can easily be affected by anyone they have a link or relationship with. It sounds as though your ex wanted to do the right thing. That he behaved with consideration for the situation. He has a right to call her and work things out in their relationship. This is not cheating on you. They do share a child and will have on-going contact for many, many years. If he didn't want to handle the situation properly, he most likely would not be someone you would respect.


When you have a relationship with someone who has an ex and a child with them, it is necessary to realize and accept that your SO will be in communication with the ex and with the child. In a sense you must share them in some ways. You can also discuss rules and boundaries about how much communication goes on, and whether or not you want to be told about it in advance. You need to setup a situation in which you feel comfortable. All that is required is open discussion and working it out so that no one feels left out or as though something is going on that they are not aware of.


What you are dealing with is very common these days. It is not necessarily easy, because there is often a question of divided loyalties when there is an ex and a child. The new partner must become mature and learn to feel secure in themselves and in the love that they have together. Unless you trust this man and feel secure in your love with him, it can be hard to go on. But, realize that many people are going through this, and the fact that she had feelings about something he did, or even if he has feelings about something she does, it does not mean that they want to get back together or that he does not love you.


All best wishes.


A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:41pm
I'm divorced from my son's father, the only time I care what he thinks, does, etc is in relationship to our son. The difference is I would never ask my ex for a personal favor, as your guy did when he asked her to bail him out of jail.

He's hurt, angry by her behavior, he's not healed. I stand by my opinion.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 10:03pm
I see your point, but realize that he and I were broken up when he asked her for the favor. He knew that she had the money and the time to get him out. He didn't ask me because I had just told him I never wanted to see him again in an arguement. If he asked for the favor during our relationship, it would be clear that he has an issue, but the situation being what it was he asked her. If her not helping him is taking a toll on his relationship with her and his son, then I think he did the right thing by trying to clear the air. At first I felt like you, but now I see things diffrently. If my ex was arrested and he didn't have anybody else to bail him out, I would, no questions asked. I wouldn't want my son to know his dad was arrested, I wouldn't want my ex to lose his job and not be able to give me child support. It wouldn't mean I loved him. If I didn't help him and he wanted to know why, I wouldn't take it to mean that he loved me either.

You said that you don't ask your ex for personal favors, what if he asked you for a favor if he was arrested (for example)? Would you let him sit in jail if he asked you for help? If you didn't help him would he care or is that what he would expect from you. When I reversed it and put my self in his shoes, I was able to see the situation differently. Thanks for your opinion. It helped me to dig deeper.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:50pm
I've been divorced for ages and my ex would never ask me to bail him out if he were in that situation. However when we first divorced, if he called me and asked me, I wouldn't bail him out either, but I would call his parents for him and have them do it.


Carrie