Feels like "Pretending"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Feels like "Pretending"
4
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:01pm
I'm having a struggle here.

My husband and I have been through a lot in the last year of our marriage (been married for 2 years now), and lately, things have been rough. I've suggested counseling more than once very nicely, and he refuses, saying "Things will get better" or "We're working on this part of our reletionship" or "We don't have the money right now." etc... So last night was our "date night" and I tried really hard to be interested, but I've found we don't have that much to say lately and when we snuggle and smile and all that, to me, it feels like pretending. I felt a real connection for about 45 minutes of a 3 hour date (dinner, tea, a little shopping in a local music store and then home).

Is this too far gone? Or if I keep "pretending" everything's fine, will my heart be able to follow suit?

I said nicely this morning that my mom recommended a good counselor and I'm going to go see her. Finincially, this is important so I'll make it work (afterall, what good is it to pay off the credit cards when you're reletionship is dissolving?).

Anyone else been there? Any help? Please?

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:42pm
Reading material to consider:

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page


The first one talks aboug going through the motions until the feeling comes back, conversations start, etc.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 2:54pm
I think that you should get marriage counseling. I think the fact that your husband provides excuses for not getting counseling - to me, appears like he is in denial of the truth - the marriage is in trouble.

I have been in relationships (not marriage) where I was going thru the motions, trying to make it work when my heart wasn't in it. As a result, I started to build up resentment towards my mate because I felt like we were living a lie. I started to resentment everything about him and our relationship - when the relationship finally ended, I realized that the only person I should have been upset with is myself because I stayed way longer than I should have. The most valuable lesson that I learned was that I had to stay true to myself, which is something that I think you should consider as well.

I think that you should go to counseling on your own and perhaps once you share your experience with your husband - he will follow suit and join you.

Good luck.....

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:02pm
I think all relationships have their ups and downs. My husband and I have gone through some times when we weren't very connected. It happens. If the foundation of your relationship is solid, you can definitely come back from this. Counselling may help, but I don't think it's the answer for every problem. Sometimes an objective opinion and some tools are what you need and sometimes people can work things out for themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 5:17pm
I'm all for trying to work things out between us, but the fact that most of this keeps recurring tells me the root of the problem has never been delt with. I did make an appoinment for my own conseling, (as this kind of disintergration is never ONE person's fualt - though I feel like I'm really trying to connect with him, but find my heart not in it). I'm hoping this is a dive we can pull out of.

We've had a lot of stressful changes in our reletionship this last year. He was out of work for 13 weeks last year at one stretch. Then he got a job and jumped back in school. We moved out of an apartement we could no longer afford and into a room at a friend's house which is cheaper rent for us (we now live with 2 20-something guys). I took on an extra job to help us get by (which brings my grand total to 3 jobs). 2 of my grandparents died last year (one of which helped raise me for 18 years). My job is very stressful, but we can't afford for me to go into something I enjoy rather than something that brings in the bucks as I'm the major breadwinner (all the benefits are through me) and we have conflicting schedules (I work 8-5, he works 1-9:30, 10pm and when he's not working, he's in school - I have weekends off, he usually gets 1 week day off). So - needless to say, I refer to 2003 as "the year of change".

I did make an appointment for myself though.. maybe he'll follow suit...And yes, this time I'm demanding the car.

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr