on the fence

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2008
on the fence
4
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 11:59pm
I have been in a relationship with a man for 3 years now and we live together and are engaged (although we never talk about actually setting a date, he says he intends to get married). The problem is I am not sure if I should continue on with the relationship or not. I struggle internally with a sense of emptiness that I am not sure stems from the relationship or my own neediness. He has a lot of his own interests and those seem to come first for him. He is 10 years older and his son is in college and although he makes reference to the fact that he has two more to raise (my children, who are 4 and 8), he really only disciplines them instead of interacting with them. I don't sense that he gets any joy from spending time with us as a family and I often feel like he is an outsider living with us. When he goes on his trips with his friends he calls but the conversations are very short and never in depth about anything going on with me or the kids. Although our sex life is good and he is very affectionate (mostly at night, not so attentive during the day) I tend to feel like I am not that important to him. When I read about the horrible situations that some are in, I feel guilty for questioning what on the surface isn't unbearable. I love him and want to be closer with him and I think he loves me but I don't know that he can really get close to anyone. Some days I think I can't take the situation because I feel so lonely and then I talk myself out of it. How do I know when to walk away?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: aliciad2008
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 12:09am

Welcome to the board aliciad2008,


Consider reading: Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis - it may help you decide.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
In reply to: aliciad2008
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 4:31am
A lot of "I feels" and "it seems"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: aliciad2008
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 7:29am

I have to agree with americajin, we don't really have enough "hard evidence" here - all you're really giving us are your feelings about your situation, and if all we have to go on is what you feel and sense, then all we can do is agree with you. I'm not saying those aren't important, but can you give us more specific examples of why you're feeling this way? Or times when you have talked to him about this? What does he say? Can you give a little more about his side of the story? Without that, we won't have much to be able to respond to. I'm sorry.

But for all intents and purposes if you're not planning a wedding date then you're not exactly engaged. I don't think you should feel guilty for being unhappy; just because there are people with more serious or immediate problems does not mean that yours are insignificant.

Please provide us with some more circumstantial information and we will be able to help you better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
In reply to: aliciad2008
Mon, 04-28-2008 - 9:49am

From what you posted it appears as though you dont feel like a true family.